Felix and i went out for eight months. or did i just say eight, when it was REALLY only six, to make it sound more important than it was?I'll never know. sometimes i can lie to myself better than anyone could ever lie to me. cuz I'll believe it.
under his influence, i tried drugs for the first time. THAT did NOT help what had ultimately began as a dream romance. I'm moody/crazy/and self conscious enough without the help of illegal substances. NOWADAYS, there's no way you'd even catch me smoking a cigarette!
but ULTIMATELY, Felix and i could have never been together forever. i was too young. he was too young. we weren't a perfect fit in general, because we just weren't. but even if we WERE, there's no way we could have been at THAT point in our lives- because i don't think our brains were fully developed YET. mine probably still isn't. jk jk! or am i jk'ing?! life experience was lacking for both of us.
i was fifteen by the time it ended, and though i have the small tendency to be a bit needy now - at FIFTEEN i was at the BEGINNING stage of my ride with full throttle neediness. i pushed Felix away. one night i suggested we break up, in the hope he would beg for me to take him back, shower me with love and desperation! but this was not the case. instead he just said 'ok'.
i walked from his car onto my porch. i sat down on the bench outside and watched him, just sitting there in his car. we were both sad. it had mattered to him. he had loves me too. but it was too hard. and the joy was gone. that night was the equivalent of experiencing a death.
i can still conjure the mental image of Felix looking at me from his car, and it can STILL make me cry if i let it. he'll always be the boy who taught me what love is supposed to feel like. and he'll forever be the boy who took my virginity... or more like the boy i happily gave it away to. xo
9 comments:
brilliant part 4
Super finale!!!! I totally understand the feeling of it being an equivalent to death. Its crazy how it really feels like the world is crashing in on you for a while but then you realize there is so much more out there...
oh my gosh. that was pure poetry, you need to write a god damn book already.
can't help but wonder where he is now...
Nice story. I like your blog and I've got it bookmarked now.
I am boy crazy too, so keep writing!
Awh :), that's such a cute story! Even though it was a sad ending.. but also a happy ending because you learned from it.. wierd haha. But anyway it was way cute.
Please do a proper story on how you lost your virginity!
If only I had the power, the emotional stability and creativity to write something. Your stories are so engaging and from what I read ... is it real?
if so JEEEZZUS you been through a lot!
haha give me more
The first guy I ever fell in love with (and even though I tell myself otherwise, sometimes I think he's the only guy I've ever truly been in love with) was with me for a year. I was 15 as well when we first started dating, and was COMPLETELY devestated when it ended. He told me he thought we were too young to be so serious, and broke up with me. Two years later, he showed up at my house, and said that breaking up with me was the biggest mistake he ever made, and still loved me. He cried and begged, but I told him I didn't want to get back together because I was afraid of being hurt so badly again. A year or so has passed since then, and luckily, we're good friends. I may not be madly in love with him anymore, but he'll always have a place in my heart. Sometimes I think I made mistake not taking him back that night...
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