Thursday, April 30, 2009

losing your virginity:

so, I've been getting A LOT of e-mails asking for advice on how to lose your virginity. e-mails from girls who are between the ages of 19 and 26 who are still virgins, asking me for advice. i didn't really know how i could help or what i could say. so i gave it some thought and here's what i came up with:

wanna lose your virginity? It's super easy! just spread your legs and place the dude's erect penis into your hopefully wet privates aka vagina. Super easy! Virginity GONE! What more do you need to know? 

Oh, sorry. you mean; how do you go about picking the right person? Getting tested? Approaching a guy in the first place? Trusting him? Trusting yourself? Being brave and jumping off the cliff into sexdom? 'sexdom'? Sometimes I write shit and I say to myself "who are you? Why did you write that? you're totally misrepresenting yourself." But then I shrug and keep writing. My style is more stream of consciousness. I just have to keep going or else I'll panic, over think and stop writing all together. Feel free to use this as an analogy regarding your sex life and losing your virginity. 

What else is it called? Popping your cherry? Gross. Anywayzies. It's a big deal cuz you'll ALWAYS remember the first person you ever let inside you, but you probably won't be marrying this person. They are a stop on your life's path! A memory. A hurdle to jump over. a tool used for growing up. Just make sure he doesn't have herpes, gonorrhea, warts, chlamydia, hpv, and isn't HIV +. cuz that shiz will haunt you forevs.

Listen, it's pretty cool you've waited this long. (i'm talking more to the 19 year old. 26 is bordering on tragic heap.) It means you're nervous, thinking about it, and take yourself seriously. So since you've waited this long, you shouldn't be worried about waiting a teeny bit longer for you and the dude to get tested. Don't pick up some random guy off the street or some mall dude over the weekend. (any other time, that would be cool- but not to take your virgin status!) If you're in high school or college, there are tons of dudes. All aching to get in some girls vadge! Duh! Don't forget, YOU have the power! your vadge is- to a guys dick- like the entry way into some exclusive Hollywood club! 

Maybe you should lose it to a close heterosexual male friend you have that you never really looked at that way. Like dawson's creek styles! It would be COOLER if he's more experienced than you too! Then you could ask him questions about giving blow jobs and stuff. giving a great blow job is a beautiful and powerful thing. haters, you can hate, but it's the truth. 

let him go down on you too! don't let him stop until you cum. Take a bath first so you're all scrubbed up and clean- so there's no room for embarrassment or self consciousness! and I'm praying to GOD you've been masturbating long enough to even KNOW what an orgasm feels like! It's like a warm tickley explosion in your nether regions! Make it a familiar feeling! 

How's that? I can't hold your hand through this, but I can leave u with this: Have sex (whether it's the first time or the millionth time) with someone you trust, who makes you feel safe. and ALWAYS use a condom. AND even though he's wearing a condom, make sure he pulls out before he cums! Cuz condom's break and if something goes wrong- unfortunately it's on the girl to take the morning after pill, get an abortion or HAVE the baby! So, take care of yourselves beautiful girls! Xoxoxo

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

sex in a subaru:

the other night I went on a date with a dude. we met up at real food daily; a vegan restaurant on la cienega. I still prefer m cafe-but whatevs! I'm not gonna slit my wrists or anything. I just LOVE it when straight dudes like to eat healthy! We finished our food, and I got in his car so we could drive to erewhon market to get dessert. we sat outside sharing raw vegan ice cream and a piece of cake (it was actually pie, but i think the word cake is so much cuter) and continued our hangout sesh. we liked eachother. i just know it. 

We got BACK in his car and headed towards RFD- where MY car waited. but somehow we ended up in the parking lot of norms; a coffee shop up the street from RFD. We sat in silence looking at eachother. he leaned in. I leaned in, tilted my head to the right and we kissed. 

All I could think was "oh my god, it's like 11th grade all over again!" And "wait a minute, this parking lot is WAY too bright to have sex." And "oh shit, am I about to get finger banged? Do people still do that? Am I ready to backtrack like that? Are his fingernails encrusted in filth? Did he wash his hands? Do I really want to be associated with finger banging at this point in my life? It's 2009 for gods sake! Oh fuck it, fuck it. This dude can finger bang the shit outta me if he wants! Tonight I will be the mayor of finger banged city." FYI: This was all going on in the privacy of my mind! What a horrible phrase btw: 'finger bang'. I'm writing it over and over just to free myself of any power it might have to make me feel uncomfortable or low brow.

all this internal jibber jabber, and the dude totally did NOT even put his finger in my privates! INSTEAD, the dude and I kept kissing. sometimes hard and fast. sometimes very slow and soft. ALWAYS charged with meaning. It's like I was feeling lips for the first time. Hyper aware of what it feels like to kiss. it was as dirty as sex. revealing and vulnerable. this 'sensual'(gag) kissing required time to be taken and technique. Thank god I slowed down and stopped being as rough and passionate as i CAN be, or else i would have missed the entire experience! i can be soft and tender too! 

Yuck, this post is even grossing ME out. HOW are YOU guys doing? hang in there. We stopped kissing, looked at eachother, and said nothing. he started the car and pulled into another empty lot across the street. but this lot was dark enough to be naughty in. 

He got on top of me, and well.....did lots of stuff. he did ALL the BEST stuff. but the point of the story is this: I couldn't believe how conducive his car was for EPIC f**king! It was a Subaru. who knew? understated. reliable. disguising itself as a family car. close to the ground. Wide enough not to feel claustrophobic. cushy leather seats, plush against my skin. plenty of things to grip onto, allowing me to switch it up and hold myself in various positions. What a night! What a date! And what a car! i love you.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

the blind leading the blind PART 6:

1. on a date, order mint tea, instead of the sugary chai late you'd rather drink! you'll look way more fem and alluring! you might even lose a pound! PRIVACY is for bloating; NOT dates in public!

2. if you read a blog and it pisses you off, stop reading it. if you continue to read it, get upset, and comment like a raving lunatic- it means the following: you are a fucking retarded waster of time! on the other hand, if reading a blog makes you happy and entertains you, go right ahead!

3. the phrase is: "couldn't care less"! NOT, "could care less"! for example: "i hate my ex boyfriend so much, i COULDN'T care less if he fucked another girl!" the point is, you care SO LITTLE, you can't possibly care any less than you already do. this phrase is misused all the time. i think beyonce even used it incorrectly in her last single. such a bummer. in a perfect world I'd like to believe that everything beyonce does is right! but, that's simply not true.

4. if you get everything waxed off your privates, don't go running errands around town in a mini skirt. you're vagina can't be trusted and discharge could fly out of it at any moment. without hair OR undies to prevent this from happening, you could have an uuber embarrassing accident while looking for soup on the top shelf of aisle six in the super market and there's a stock boy below you, restocking soup cans. 

5. Jesus, what was # 4 all about? that was random, riiiight???

6. when dealing with perfume, spray once and glide through it like the angel that you are. too much perfume could ruin your chances/induce a hard off with the boy of your dreams AND/OR even the dirtiest of the long haired, broke, sexy dudes who hang out in dark corners of pianos/little joy/the short stop (insert hair shaker bar here) with five o'clock shadow, a drug & cigarette addiction- who you don't even want a relationship with;just a casual sex sesh, where hopefully no one gets gonorrhea! so, one spritz please. less is more.

7. if he doesn't go down on you; he doesn't get inside of you.

8. don't forget to have sex in cars this summer. tinted windows or not, cars are awesome cuz there are lots of things to grip onto. and the possibility of getting caught is kind of sexy too, I'm not gonna lie.

9. if you're over 25 (male or female), not religious, still a virgin and don't want to be......I'll be over in 10 minutes. jk, jk: but, seriously, go to whole foods/trader joes/the 101 cafe/the arclight/m cafe and hit on the next hot babe you see. power moves could change your life! good luck. and try not to get aids.

10. if he only texts back to your phone calls, move on. you're better than that. i love you.

Monday, April 27, 2009

meet the FACE HUNTER!!!

meet yvan rodic AKA the face hunter. i did! and the entire experience was awesome! he's a blogger too(except he has a way bigger following than me), he's a boy, and he takes pictures of interesting faces that he finds all around the world. he also has an Internet TV show even!!!

he's part Serbian, part Swiss and now lives in London. he speaks English, french, German, some Serbian and Swedish. 

yvan was recently in the states for a few weeks- passing through Los Angeles after going to coachella! Rickey Kim put us in touch and yvan and i interviewed eachother/cross blogged by the light installation outside LACMA! it was a beautiful setting for a fist time meet. i recommend it to anyone who has an upcoming blind date and no idea where to rendezvous!
check out this very candid interview yvan granted me; where we talk about monogamy, privates, relationships, french, and love. ALL from a boys perspective! he even has a neato accent that will enchant all the girlies who are sick of the usual American accent they can find from any Starbucks or mall guy they meet in their boring home town. pow! check it out:

boycrazy meets the Face Hunter: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

it's important you like his friends:

So, you managed to fall in love! that's AWESOME! CONGRATULATIONS! you're euphoric. the sex is beautiful. you make extreme eye contact when he's deep inside you. he inspires you to be brave and take over the world. you can look at eachother and know exactly what the other is thinking, without saying a word. you laugh SO HARD at the exact same things, it's like you're little kids again! tickle fights ensue and you want to hug him/SQUEEZE him sooo tight and never let go, cuz you can't believe you've found the LOVE of your life..........AND THEN YOU MEET HIS ASSHOLE FRIENDS! epic love story RUINED!

after i broke up with my ex, every once in a while i thought about getting back together with him. maybe
I'd just suck it up and get married and pretend nothing bad every happened between us. i thought, 'I'll just accept his flaws, hope he accepts mine, and this will be our life.' but SOMETHING always popped up. something that love and growing up and therapy could never change: I HATE HIS BROTHER. 

my ex and his brother are in a band together. they have a bizarre love hate relationship. a 'bromance' if you will. but one that is SUPER dysfunctional. NOTHING like Brody and Freddy's relationship on the hills! THOSE guys are TOTALLY functional. this is more along the lines of Brody and Spencer's relationship; but WAY darker and angry/broody styles).

from the first time i met my
ex's brother (i remember it as if it was yesterday) it was at the beauty bar on Cahuenga. it was loud. i REALLY wanted him to like me and i immediately put my foot in my mouth; saying something about his parents not being together and my parents not being together. i guess i was trying to show that i could totally relate to his childhood or whatever? who knows? i blew it. but i didn't think THAT was gonna be my only shot!

he got pulled into another conversation and i never got to explain what i meant/what i was TRYING to say: that i was a good person who had a huge crush on his brother. 

i wonder if the mean bro even remembers ANY of this. but from then on, it was a downward spiral. see how wanting people to like you only bites you in the ass and makes you look lame?! I'm exhibit A! 

as my relationship progressed (it lasted 5 years), i was always a bit nervous around mean bro. mean
bro's silent gaze/aloof nature made me feel super duper uncomfortable. and because of the fact that boyfriend and mean bro were in a band together, it was nearly impossible to escape being near him. SHIT! at shows, on the tour bus, planes, traveling, parties. bf, mean bro, and me. i would even hang out with MB's girlfriend every now and then. (because we were the girlfriend, we got lumped together when the band had band stuff to attend to. it's in the how to be a band dude's girlfriend rulebook.)she's lovely. even now i have a place for her in my heart. i ALSO got along with their mom and other brothers too! WHAT THE FUCK?! WHY WAS THIS SO HARD? 

the MAIN problem was the relationship between my boyfriend and his brother. THEY were caustic. They were opposites who worked together. my bf liked to argue and be a brat with his self righteousness that buried itself deep down into peoples (and more importantly- his brothers) skin. i became an extension of my bf to the mean bro. i was never looked at or spoken to as if i were my own person. 

as the years went by, mean bro's drug addiction made him even more unlikable, and removed any possibility of us making peace. why did i need his validation so badly? why do i still think about him? because i don't like unresolved issues in my life! I'm brazen and would rather get everything on the table and work it out. mean bro HATED confrontation! 

they were Australian. i always felt his hatred of American culture and I was the ultimate American! a loud, opinionated, obnoxious woman. what a nightmare for him. I say things like, "oh my god! NO WAY! totally!" (my staple phrases at any given moment.) but when i said these things around him (or even laugh to hard) I'd echo in my ears because I'd catch him imitating me to others, ignore me, and be nicer than i EVER saw him be- to complete strangers, but never to ME.

recently, long since I'd broken up with my ex, mean bro's girlfriend e-mailed me. she wrote to check in on me, to apologize for MB'S behavior towards me and to try to explain it. i told you she was a sweetheart! but i still want an apology from him. or at least some resolution. from mean bro directly! but that may never happen. and it shouldn't matter to me if it does or doesn't. he has no power over me. that labyrinth saying works in ANY situation!
that time in my life is over now. i never have to see my ex OR his meanie pants brother if i don't want to. however, what i DO take away from this whole scenario is how THANKFUL i am when i DO meet a guy who fits ALL the epic criteria i mentioned in the first paragraph AND i ACTUALLY LOVE ALL the people (friends AND family) in his life. it's a big fucking deal,cuz that toxic bullshit can MAKE or BREAK your relationship! xo

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


boycrazy video - tribute to a mentor AKA rickey kim: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

I've ALREADY blogged about Rickey, but i met up with him yesterday and REALLY felt the need to put him up here again. every time i meet with Rickey Kim, it's like a motivational slap in the face. every boy and girl should have a rickey kim in their life!

even though he says things like 'hood' and street slang stuff; and I'm probably the whitest person you'll ever meet (I'm the inspiration for Carlton's character from 'the fresh prince of Bel Air')- whenever Rickey and i sit down for a power chat I have a GOD DAMN blast. 

sometimes i get nervous, cuz there are so many things i wanna ask him about technology, business, power playing and (as Rickey would say) "taking my shit to the next level"! the dude is constantly doing things, collaborating on projects, bringing people together, and inspiring me to be the best i can be!

and for that....I've elected Rickey Kim: dude of the day!

Monday, April 20, 2009

the boys at mayfair:

on a lighter note, here are two boys i met the other day at mayfair market on franklin! i was leaving the store and the taller of the two, with some very intense piercings, asked me if i had a boyfriend and told me i was a bodacious babe! how could i NOT get an interview for you guys! xo

boycrazy video- the boys at mayfair: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

Friday, April 17, 2009

if you're fat you shouldn't read this, but maybe you should:

once upon a time, Elizabeth Hurley was condemned for saying (in an interview)something along the lines of "if I was as fat as Marilyn Monroe, I would have killed myself too." Now, that WASN'T the BEST way to represent herself in a quote. i even though she was a jerk for that, but still watched the Austen Powers movies cuz i love the sixties, and they're too good! personally, I think Marilyn Monroe is/was gorgeous and the standards in HER day were different than they are today.although, I'm sure she was just as frantic about her weight as the girlies are today. 

but today, as i was trying to walk down the stairs to take the subway, I was fixated on the fat ass of a woman in front of me, blocking my path. Her and a dude were moving at maximum slowness, pushing their baby in a carriage. He had his arm around her (not tiny) waist and she leaned into him as though she felt sexy and maybe even, dare i say, comfortable in her skin!

I put myself in her situation, remembered the Hurley quote and thought- 'you know what? I probably WOULD contemplate suicide if I was as big as THAT woman!(she was DOUBLE the size of Marilyn, fyi- which makes me way less cruel than liz hurley) And I'm sure as hell i wouldn't have been able to feel sexy- alone OR in front of a dude who loved me. I wouldn't even be able to FAKE being comfortable in my skin. I wouldn't be able to trust his love for me!' how sick is that? but it's true. oh my god, years later and now i'm taking liz hurley's side? or at least, giving her point of view a chance. 

Would I get the lap band? Probably. but would I ever even LET myself get to that level of fatness? Probably not. Now, I KNOW fatness CAN be hereditary, but no one in my family is fat. so the blame would be all my own. there's no pointing fingers if I get to be the mayor of fatsville usa. I'm not 'on the verge of death' waify or anything-MAN, I WISH!- but if i got to THAT point of fatdom with the family genes that I have- it would be all my fault! 

I would either have to kill myself, get lypo, the lap band, go to jenny craig/weight watchers, and get a mother fucking trainer/nutrition guru. I ALREADY don't eat bread, rice, pasta, donuts, soda, cake or candy. Every once in a while I'll have a vegan dessert or a blow pop at a rave. 

so, when I see a fatty at cbtl getting a mocha frap with extra whip (and one for their overweight kid too) I think: you unhealthy monster(s)! you're doing this to yourself. xo

Thursday, April 16, 2009

party in an alley:

i heard about some party in santa monica. when i got there, i realized i was standing in the middle of an alley, but then i spotted wylie! wylie's in a hip happenin' band called DAWES! wylie is gorgeous. somebody needs to call juergen teller STAT and get this guy in a marc jacobs ad! one day, i'll get taylor from dawes on here too. until then, click their band link ('love is all i am' is TOTALLY about me) and watch the video i made! xo

boycrazy video- party in an alley: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

what just happened:

phew! i feel SO much better compared to where i was at emotionally during that last post! but enough about me! let me deflect any remaining rage/sorrow/confusion i may have, by putting all my energy into pepping up whoever's even reading this b**g!

i got some lovely letters, e-mails, (whatever you wanna call them)messages- from people who read this thing. girls and boys who are heartbroken and sad about boy related bullshit! these people have jobs and responsibilities, and i'm hoping NO children cuz i really don't think this blog reaches that demographic, but maybe the young hip moms-whatever! my point is, it's time to get serious! DEAD SERIOUS MOTHERFUCKERS! 

if i'd STILL been bummed out today, i wouldn't have posted this OR done things that are actually important for that matter; like pay my taxes and take my trash out! and that CAN'T happen! 

what i DID do while bummed, that i'm now regretting, is pick at my face. but neosporin MIGHT take care of that by tomorrow morning! cross your fingers/light a candle. what i DON'T regret is the thai food i ordered (tonight the delivery guy wore a blue and orange-BOLD-striped shirt,dark denim, and a hat. maybe it's his clear skin and bright eyes that impresses me so much!), the epsom salt bath i took, the facial mask i applied, the fact that i started reading a book, watched real housewives of nyc, looked for eames furniture on craigs list, contemplated buying tracey andersons workout dvds on THAT'S RIGHT FATTY'S! summertime is kinda almost nearly here maybe! and we gotta look GOOD!

but more importantly, we can't stray and be miserable lumps while devastated and heartbroken. we have to forge on or whatevs. i went to target and bought a jump rope, some super tight black sports bras, black undies (high waisted like the ladies who scrub you at olympic spa), and a bowler hat - like sienna miller circa 2006 styles! I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! 

even if your eyeballs ache and burn from all the crying you've been doing, suck it up you dirty dick sucking bitches and get it the fuck together! you can't lose the dude AND everything else you've worked so hard to attain! so call your mom if she isn't dead, get a jamba juice, THEN  starbucks RIGHT after! don't eat so much, maybe do that cayenne diet thingy, but only if you won't turn into a grumpier bummerhead. sit at the 101 cafe if you live in la (order a nonfat OR soy chai tea latte-they're unreal, I PROMISE!). and invite me over and we can do a Pilate's video together. shit, i took it too far. but feel free to e-mail me! 

buy a black (classic) string bikini, or a neato high waisted one that i saw in that mag the other day! and take charge of your life!!! as if the cad never had the power to make you cry in the first place. I LOVE YOU!


cut and paste the link below into your browser:

Monday, April 13, 2009

too bummed to blog:

have you ever let a boy affect you to the point of tears? ever felt unwanted or unloved? ever felt let down/empty and betrayed by a boy cuz you put WAY more passion/love/feeling into him than he does you? ever cared so much more/were affected so much more by him then he was by you? well, enough's enough! it's like that saying in the final scene of labyrinth, when jennifer connaly has the epiphany and says to david bowie 'you have no power over me'. well, jennifer connaly's never spoken truer words to me through a movie IN MY WHOLE LIFE! MY WHOLE LIFE GOD DAMN IT! 

if the guy you're pining over is an aloof, cold, monster that doesn't show any emotion- and always leaves you feeling empty and wanting more; break up with him, cheat on him, or make a video of yourself crying and send it to him!!! by the time you're done, you'll feel way better. i know i did! if he can't drive over to
los feliz from santa monica every once in a while, imagine what he won't do for you in the future. the world is big! there are soooo many dudes in echo park/the lower east side! and life is long (IF you don't get in a car accident, die of aids cancer, or OD on heroin percocet crack cocaine vicodins. RIIIIIGHT!)

i don't care if he wears dark denim jeans and super awesome
american apparel button down shirts (please click THIS link to buy one, you'd be a fool NOT to)- if that's the limit of what he has to give you in this relationship, then that MUST be the end point of your relationship ladies! full stop! in my case, the guy i'm dating thought my video (see below) was just a hilarious joke. i sure hope he doesn't find out about my b.l.o.g.) xo

boycrazy video: sad girl, AKA, too bummed to blog from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

Friday, April 10, 2009

i'm NOT a paparazzi:

a week ago, i covered an event for interview it was hard for me. here's the story i wrote:

This is how it was:
tonight I made the horrible mistake of telling my editor at that I was capable of taking photos AND writing about the 2009 Los angeles art weekend launch party/mike mills book signing. Little did I know that tonight would be the night I became a paparazzi photographer. My dad was a photo journalist and during hard times he make money as a paparazzi. We even crashed will smith's wedding! I took the photos, got thrown out by security while my dad denied knowing me and stole my photo credit! Well, tonight all those memories came flooding back full throttle. I was even shouting phrases I'd picked up from dear old dad like "look alive!", "say something funny!" and "Make me believe it!" Ick!

I met miranda july and mike mills, they were lovely and I dreaded sticking a camera in their faces. They were very accommodating, but when the brute photographer from women's wear daily came up behind me- the couple became aloof and asked to be left alone to enjoy the party. It WAS, after all, a party! I totally agreed! Oh no! The women's wear lady ruined the vibe and I'd been lumped into the category of monster paparazzi! Shit! Now I was WAY too shy to go anywhere near mike or miranda! But, may I just say- both of them have piercingly electric eyes! Too late, I just did!

I tried to look busy, important and confidant! I met the girls behind the clothing line rodarte. i met the man behind band of outsiders. I chit chatted with dj michael stock of part time punks and the creators of art for la. I shamelessly promoted my blog and my friends new website broslist. I handed out stickers left and right. Claiming the sticker was a reward for posing for a pic.

I ONLY photographed the cutest people I could find- and if they WEREN'T cute, I photographed them because I was told they were important. But my overall feeling of the night was "degraded". I didn't like feeling as though I was begging or annoying people or possibly ROBBING them of their time. I am not a paparazzi!

I was told it was an open bar, UNTIL I went to the bar and asked for a pineapple juice. (bartender- "That'll be $3") (me- "but I was told it was an open bar") (bartender- "it's only free if you're drinking vodka") (me-"but, I'm working. And I have to drive after this.")(bartender- "No dice")(me- "well, then can I have a vodka pineapple-hold the vodka?")she poured me the drink,glared and walked away.

Just then a super sexy dude came up to me. I said hi and he mouthed "hi, do you read lips? I'm deaf." "what? I don't understand? You're what?" He took out his cell and texted "I'm deaf." he was fucking with me right?! I wasn't gonna be taken for a fool. "If you're fucking with me, you're a horrible person." I enunciated slowly for emphasis. "No, seriously, I'm deaf. If you can't read my lips, maybe you can read my mind. I'm deaf." Oh no, he was serious. Whoops. you never can tell nowadays- if a dudes gay/straight/ or deaf.

I slipped away to the ladies room and did a little video footage of myself having an emotional breakdown. I pulled myself together and went back inside, scanned the room and thought- my work here is done. I got what I needed! I tiptoed out the exit and ran to the valet- Hoping I wouldn't be in trouble for sneaking out sooner than later. And who did I bump into sneaking out as well??? miranda july and mike mills! "Sneaking out of your own party?"I said "It's not my party" he replied. I apologized for freaking them out with my camera and they said "it wasn't you! It was that wwd photog" I knew it! Oh well. "Later dudes! Have a nice night!" See, like minds stick together! or is it great minds think alike? Whatevs! YOU know what I'm trying to say. Maybe tonight wasn't so bad after all! that's what i began to think, until the valet said "That'll be $15 maam.... With or without validation." motherfuckers! the Los angeles art weekend is going strong from Tues. mar 31- sunday april 5. Enjoy! I did! Xoxo

boycrazy freaks out in a super cute ladies room: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

here's the FINAL EDIT of the story that ran! xo

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


i can't tell if I'm sick or if i just have allergies. once upon a time, two years ago, i went to get a scratch test at an allergists on la cienega. i had no fucking clue what i was getting myself into. he scratched up both my arms, leaving me looking like the sloppiest of junkies OR worse, a scratching meth head! i left saying I'd call to schedule my next appointment rather than make it then and there. 

when i got downstairs to the valet- it was one of those situations where you park your own car but give the valet your key in case he has to move it later- there was a HUGE FUCKING DENT in the back of my car! the valet dude had backed my car, HARD AND FAST, into a wall! WTF

i was ALREADY all scratched up, super low blood sugar and starving! and NOW i was pissed off to the max! i screamed, made super angry faces, huffed and puffed, filled out a claim form (all the while thinking, 'how do i fill this out? it looks confusing! i'm not a grown up. shouldn't my mom be doing this? oh shit, i AM a grown up, kind of.')

from there, i had a dissappointing meal at real food daily, but took home a slew of different vegan desserts and basically (no, not basically) TOTALLY binge ate them ALL ON THE DRIVE HOME. what? i was emotional. 

so, since then, i've never gotten to the bottom of my relationship with allergies. all i know is that these past 3 days have been a steady progression downhill for my nose, eyeball sockets and throat. i took a claritan yesterday, but didn't notice a change. 

i even steamed all day at the Olympic spa- a Korean day spa. i call it 'the naked spa' cuz it's a bunch of ladies walking around all naked. me included! sometimes i go there with my mom. but most days i go alone, because i'm not always in the mood to bro out naked styles with my mommy. plus, having to make constant conversation with people during a hangout sesh really unnerves me. it's too much pressure and fills me with dread. not ALL The time, just MOST of the time. 

while naked in the sauna, a woman walked up to me(also completely naked) and started to chat. no biggie. i could handle this. i actually find it easier to talk to a stranger than someone who knows me or someone who might have a preconceived idea of me. we talked about how much hotter the dry sauna was than usual. she told me about another Korean day spa called 'natura'. 

when she left, i wondered if this was all a ploy to murder me. what if it was her job to lure unsuspecting white girls into Korean day spas? a spa I'd never heard of. once inside the so called sauna, poisonous gas would be emitted and i would pass out. from there, i would be sold, sexxed, eatin and/or murdered. it was ALL too easy. and i had figured it out before the rouse had even had a chance to begin. i'm still curious though, so i'm gonna give this 'natura' place a looksies. if anyone knows anything about it, let me know. 

i went home, ordered extra spicy Thai food (for the second day in row). and just like the first day, it was delivered by the same uuber cute Asian delivery dude. the night prior, we had shared an awkward silent eye contact exchange. i wondered if he thought i was beautiful. instead, i asked him if his sweatshirt was american apparel. he said, yes. 

he was so cute. i over tipped and thought i'd never see him again. i SWEAR i didn't even think of him when i ordered from the same place the next night. now he probably thinks this is my crazy plan to fuck him. maybe it is. but the crazier thing was, his outfit was even BETTER tonight. more upmarket/fashionably street. i asked him if chop stix were included. he said "i don't know. did you ask for them? i don't pack the bags." OF COURSE HE DIDN'T! he was JUST delivering them! probably helping out his family. i knew he had better things to do and places to be. but i was sure i detected a slight smile beneath his surface. SEXUAL TENSION! I KNEW IT! and as i over tipped again, i said goodbye; holding his gaze and making meaningful eye contact. all the while wondering if he liked MY outfit.