the doctor said so:

Before i launch into my story: 

tonight, Jan 30 2009 @ Space 1520 from 7-10PM 
TV Books Gallery Closing Reception Party with live performances by Abe Vigoda, The Goat and Mikki + the Mauses.

PLUS: the 2nd issue of 'light on a sidewalk'- by mike piscitelli

(if you were at the OPENING for tv books & had your portrait taken, you're probably in it!)

Space 15 Twenty:
1520 N. Cahuenga Blvd, Los Angeles, CA 90028

------------------------------------------------

I love my doctor, but every once and a while she tells me about something i wasn't asking about and don't really think i need. today it was a laser facial procedure called q-tera or something. it's amazing how responsive the brain is to suggestion. i said 'thanks for the info, and if i decide to do it, i know who to call.' and now, hours later, I'm writing to you about it. she really hammered it in with the sentence "i swear to god Alexi, if you start in your twenties, you'll never have to go under the knife." wow. and you know what? she's probably right. RUN, DO NOT WALK, TO THE TELEPHONE AND MAKE A GODDAMN APPOINTMENT WITH THE BEST DERMATOLOGIST IN TOWN! 

between you and me, i already get the aurora laser skin therapy once a month. and it's awesome. i use retin a, and moisturize with the most expensive anti aging creams from kiehls. it's better to be safe than sorry. and it's only a little more expensive than gold! but, like I've said before: you are worth it!

afterwords, i went to Chanel (i mean, i was already in beverly hills-why not?) to see if they had the jumbo/black/classic/lambskin purse with gold hardware. as i walked in, i passed a super tacky, albeit uuber expensive yellow Ferrari parked outside. i don't know why this upset me enough to roll my eyes and walk into Chanel saying loudly (someones yellow Ferrari is being towed outside!" sales people FREAKED out! uttering cries of "no! oh no! that's bijans car! what should we do??? someone, call bijan!!" my work was done.

they had the purse i wanted.... BUT GET THIS...Chanel changed the look of the gold, and now GOLD hardware practically looks SILVER! harsh tokes. whatevs. when i got back to my car, i had a parking ticket for $45. so i left it on bijan's windshield, got a Starbucks, and drove to Los Feliz where i belonged.

what dudes hate AND love about girls:

Like a cherub sent from heaven, in the nick of time, to provide me with a blog post for today..........THERE WAS ED! after a long day doing a photo shoot for my facebook default pic, i met up with Brooke at m cafe (because it's the place to be, we're not savages and we have good taste) for an hours long girly chat about everything and nothing. it was great, no joke, the gossip was amazing! but, always in the back of my mind was the nagging fact that I HAD NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT TO POST TODAY! but god works in mysterious ways (why am i making so many god references in this entry? I'm not religious! oh well, who cares?)....and in walked a leather clad, haphazardly put together (in an 'on purpose' kind of way), shaggy haired guy I'd never laid eyes on: ED!

It gets BETTER: he WASN'T American! yes, i admit it! just like everyone else American, i too am fooled by an English accent! he instantly became more interesting, worthwhile, attractive and intelligent because of it. was i born this stupid or did i acquire these illogical ideas over the years? don't answer that. and I'm not sure if it was because i'm white, a girl, not super ugly, OR because we have the same taste in restaurants- but Ed was SUPER forthcoming with his answer! i really appreciate it when a complete stranger answers my annoying questions in the most honest way they can.....so thank you Ed.  maybe we'll all learn something or at least feel less alone. good morning.

dude of the day!!!!!

oh look! the lil cub has emerged from dream land! How nice. Last night, he wore himself out licking some babes areolas, caressing her bum, kissing her neck and taking his time sucking on her lower lip. Look at those tats (oh wait, you can't see what i saw), those lips, that full head of hair! This dude's never going bald! He looks sooooo Italian. Like if Robert Deniro and AL Pacino had a love child! Hollah! Why are mafioso movies so sexy? It's like, this dude would show you how good he is at giving head, totally blow your mind, then blow your brains out! saying "arreviderchi" right before he sends you off to swim with the fishes! Mamma mia! Italian dudes are studs!

identity check:

If you don't have a sense of identity, DON'T worry about it! ALL you have to do is start dating as many guys as you can: all at once, or one after the other- your pick! and when they tell you about the stuff that they like:i.e. morrissey, cass mccombs, aphex twin, insert totally unknown or obscure band here- just pay attention! Listen for once in your goddamn life and take mental notes. Watch each and every one of your dudes when they hang out with their other male dude friends- and stash any good stories,jokes,man talk,bro sesh anecdotes,dude-isms,pop culture references in the pocket of your minds eye! Cuz when you break up with that guy, that bevy of newfound knowledge is in your "attracting the next dude-arsenal"! It's like we're playing Zelda! Or super mario bros! Or better yet- d and d! Work it bitches! And NEVER EVER give credit to the previous dude! He'll never know!!! This is called the college of life. Xo

self conscious sex:

What happened last night? I'll tell you what happened! Last night, you got banged by some dude and you were totally boring in bed! I'm soooo disappointed in you! The only excuse for submissive sex is if you're being raped! Otherwise, it is NOT an option! Plus, guys talk too you know, and you don't wanna get a rep for being a lame dud in the sack! Do you?? Now's not the time to worry about whether or not your bangs are perfectly straight. Now's the time to get nasty! I'm not saying that you should let him stick it in your bum, cuz I actually DON'T advocate that. I'm just saying, don't stop at GETTING fucked. You fuck him right back, you nasty bitch! Make noise if you want to, make whatever face you feel inclined to (shit, I hope it's not super ugly-oh well, I say take the chance! How ugly could it be? If you're reading this blog, it means you're beautiful!) Get on top, on your side, on the bottom,69 (although my best dude friend once told me that 69'ing is the ultimate in intimate cuz it's pretty much ass on face-yikes! That's why I always say 'carry baby wipes'-that way you don't have to sacrifice in the sack!), get head/give head! Just wait for my mutual masturbation post! It's gonna be detailed, personal,and RAD! So please! Don't lay there like a lump! Even if you're a beautiful lump! That is no excuse to be boring! Cuz if you're crazy in bed, super nice to look at AND have a great personality..........YOU WIN!

2 things that 1 dude doesn't like about girls:

2 things 1 dude doesn't like: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

ps: hillhurst is a loud street!

pps:

tomorrow night- saturday january 24,2009

opening party: vanessa prager and kathy grayson 7-10pm

ROBERT BERMAN GALLERY
At Bergamot Station Arts Center
2525 Michigan Avenue, C2/D5, Santa Monica, Calif 90404
Tel: C2 310.315.9506 / D5 310.315.1937
Fax: 310.315.9688
www.robertbermangallery.com

deep in the beverly center:

The Beverly Center! The mall that sucked me into its fast paced, fluorescent lit vortex for 5 hours and didn't even apologize! But why should you bev center? I was asking for it. After Christmas sales can be brutal! But my 2009 outfits are gonna be sweet! Today, I tried wearing a beret! Today, I tried wearing red lipstick! Today, i was a whole new me that only exists and CAN ONLY exist in the confines of the Beverly Center. it was super OK to try out a new look! and the tranny boys behind the MAC counter encouraged it! IT WAS EXHILARATING! gay dudes at Club Monaco called me 'fierce'! me! they asked me where I came from! What a great day! Meandering about the mall, I saw so many cute boys! I'm not sure how many of them were straight, but I'm pretty sure at least one of them would have fucked me! And isn't that all that really matters? h&m, and forever 21 on the tip top floor of heaven on earth. an hour into my epic day, i ran into the guy I'm occasionally sleeping with! who cares that he didn't love my neon lime beret and viva glam red lips? who invited him anyway?! this was no time for nay sayers and dream dashers! it was MY DAY! this was my castle! barbies dream house! and he wasn't ken. he was an evil warlord from the wrong side of the tracks. we said our goodbyes. and i got a Starbucks.I cruised h&m for everything great! for some, my red lips were man magnets. a whole new breed of men that i don't usually attract! i caught the eye of a very successful looking (based in nothing but how crisp and clean his outfit was), tall, classy looking, musician type-with a non embarrassing Mohawk (it kinda looked endearing). he was clearly in love with my vagina, but i HAD to leave, cuz i left my wallet at Starbucks-the one ACROSS the street at the Beverly connection, NOT the one on the top floor across from h&m. don't ask me why. but at least they had my wallet and i got in some cardio! I'll never know what could have been with the Mohawk dude. he was gone by the time i got back. so i took off the beret, and i rubbed off my lipstick, and continued sleeping with that other dude, who will NEVER understand the 'Beverly Center' me.  

excuse me:

Why did no one tell me that basketball is awesome???? i didn't know shaggy haired dudes were allowed to play sports! if ANYONE reading this can get super great seats at a Lakers game and wouldn't mind taking me and flirting with this dude, make it happen and we'll have a blast! xo

The blind leading the blind PART 5:

41. never wear ugg boots. Apparently girls didn't get this memo 7 years ago. MAYBE when you're in Malibu, and even then it's sketch. Maybe on a ski trip around the lodge, but not out and about at sundance! perhaps to a movie/TV set in the morning, cuz you're gonna change into your wardrobe anyways! have you given any thought to moccasin boots: the healthy alternative to ugg boots? 

42. never, I repeat NEVER leave reading material in the bathroom! What the fuck kind of game are you trying to run here? Unacceptable!

43. always dress cool! That way, no matter what comes up, you're ready to go! that includes cute undies too! just in case you get in a car accident and the ambulance driver or EMT is a stud! 

44. you never have someone in the palm of your hand! So don't take people for granted or let people take you for granted!

45. social anxiety happens when you're not supposed to be where you are! So keep the fuck away from those creeps! Or develop a higher opinion of yourself, so anywhere you are is the place to be!

46. when you begin a relationship, you aren't allowed to gain any weight! Sorry. you've set the standard! you are now ONLY allowed to improve. ie: lose weight, develop better style, improve skin condition, get a cooler haircut/color, increase size of bank account. Otherwise your significant other TOTALLY has the right to break up with you via text and text alone! So work it out fatso! Peace!

47. for the dudes and the gross girls: don't pick your nose! Especially in your car. The definition of automobile is not: machine that makes you invisible. People can see you.

48. it's 'BY ACCIDENT', not 'ON ACCIDENT'.  proper example: "he hit her BY accident."

49. being scared and being nervous are choices! So just say NO and do not engage in these life debilitating/crippling choices!

50. don't bite your nails! Get a manicure and grow into the woman or gay man you are meant to be!

when my brain won't shut off:

                                     

                                        

i love isaac:

UNZIPPED holds a VERY special place in my heart. it is a documentary about fashion designer Isaac Mizrahi. this film changed my life. it inspired me to move to new york immediately after graduating high school and showed me how exciting and glamorous life could be. the world is what you make it. figure out what you love doing and do it. make your world whatever it is you want it to be by surrounding yourself with people and things that represent who you are and what you love. here are some lovely pieces from the film. the weekend is approaching, you've got time.& while you're at it, say hello to my new friend zac sebastian.

take it down a notch:

People are so weird! More than one person can fit at the fucking milk/stir/pouring out excess coffee/mixing station at Starbucks! What the fuck! I hate when I squeeze in next to someone, giving them totally enough elbow room and they still give me attitude! I'm just trying to work together! it's a free fucking country! we're obviously both in a hurry. it's not a big deal! pick your battles! you don't own Starbucks (although I seriously doubt the owner would mind a cram sesh at the work station. he'd be happy about the business)! and then they give me the passive aggressive look over their shoulder!  it isn't your right to feel like a king at the mixing station. Move the fuck aside and let's consciously ignore each other and do what we need to do! I'd actually rather you said "hey bitch cunt, you're in my space!" That way I could reply "yes, fuckface, I can see that! I'm pretty sure we can coexist here for 19 seconds you shit eating asshole! Have a good day! I love you". but i guess that's just me living in a fantasy world. which brings me to those people who stand behind me, when I'm in their way, but I clearly have no idea and don't know there is someone who needs to get past me! And when I finally do turn around and see them and say "oh, hey, sorry, I had no idea, whoopsies. allow me to move!"and they just huff and roll there eyes, and barrel past me all over the top stylies-performing for me and everyone else they've been trying to gain empathy from for the past 5 minutes. When all they needed to say was "excuse me. I need to get by." That's why we have vocal cords! To communicate! you passive aggressive bitches! Speak, and your wish might be granted! Or just hold it in and grow an ulcer. Your call. oh yeah, and it's totally cool to signal when changing lanes and/or turning. Xoxo

look how hard i work for you:

                                                                                                       

what a great random day:

So the other day, i was gonna MAYBE take a Pilates class- cuz I'm trying to incorporate exercise into my life-(BORING), i had a work thing to do from 11am to 11:19am, and then an interview with a dude named Addison. i had never met him, but 1. his facebook photos were awesome, b. he likes my blog, and 3. he has a very photogenic face. done deal. (1, b,and 3 were written on purpose fyi. feel free to steal this and say it in public. makes people laugh every time- possibly at your expense, but SO WHAT!) I was a bit sleepy and burnt on the dude interviews for the week. me, burnt out on talking to dudes?! who was i? anywayzies. we were meeting up at Starbucks on Larchmont. if  he was a dud/murderer and i had to escape- i could at least have a venti coffee with some half and half, check out Larchmont beauty center next door, go to rite aid and get a flash light to shine on guys the next time i do a night time interview (so they're not a dark blob with a voice attached, as per the usual), or i could beg Marlborough students (all girl private school) to take my stickers/make their classmates read my blog!
But no. instead i made a new friend! Addison: a young man who's not only stylish and open to talking about his life and love experiences, but makes me look cool and hip- just by standing next to me, based on his youth and choice of outfit alone! i didn't know what to ask, how to feel. it wasn't a date, but what was it? just two random people talking about life. him in his American rag t shirt and me in my hm tights with an American apparel tote! this is what dreams are made of! while chatting about favorite TV shows (you've all been there) we discovered we both love arrested development! duh! are we not human? do we not bleed? and all of a sudden, in walks........Will Arnett! (in a white american apparel deep v and a dark denim jacket, if you MUST know- couldn't tell if it was Levis or apc. I'm gonna guess Levis.) Addison and i took this as a sign from our maker.....the maker of dreams come true! of ALL the Starbucks, in ALL the world, Will had walked into ours- mid chat over arrested development even?! come on! he was too talented and handsome NOT to be photographed and placed on my blog. and that's what i told him! i apologized for my infiltrating his personal space, and asking him to be a boycrazy.com representative. i told him that i felt i could get away with behavior like this because i'm a girl and my blog is awesome. he agreed. he was down! if you look closely, you'll see he's wearing a boycrazy.com sticker that i adorned him with. I'm sure it's in the trash somewhere now, most likely in the one right outside Starbucks! but i don't care. it was an exciting day! you're welcome! xoxo

i used to be so scared:

I used to be so grateful when a guy liked me. So thankful he had put his attention on me. Until one day, I grew up and became a bit more discerning. I realized that I have a say in who I let into my life. That they should be so lucky to be inside me and a part of my world. Just because they were skinny or stylish or just, well, a dude- didn't mean they were the be all, end all. just because they were men, and spending time with me, didn't mean they were gods and that i had to be appreciative of the fact that they chose me. me! i don't know exactly WHEN i realized that I'm just as important as i thought they were, but I'm so happy that day came! it's changed me forever and for that i am grateful! Unfortunately, I really love make outs- so I still made out a ton after i had this epiphany! But at least it was much more thought out and i was the one doing the choosing.

more hip and handsome on new years eve:

If being good looking were a crime, this guy would have been locked up a long time ago. it's not his fault, he was just born this way....PERFECT! STOP punishing him for having the ability to make your heart sing. DON'T go mental! at the end of the day, he's really JUST a person. a person who has the power to stomp on your heart with a designer shoe you'd never be able to afford or pull off! so, sit back and listen to what he has to say. you might learn something. i wish i had! instead i fainted. i love you.

ps: if you're in new york, check this out! xo

in bed with jack and pj:

Sometimes you just have to storm into a dudes house, beg him and his actor friend to take their shirts off, and ask them questions till they give you a goddamn answer. so that's what i did. i was bored and lonely. I'd just had a full and productive day getting my hair cut & colored, and my nails done. i didn't even have to wake up early the next day, so i could totally stay up late! but do what, where, and with who? i had no one to annoy! i needed brains to play with! dolls made out of people!

Meanwhile, jack and pj were cozy at home (not in a gay way) living their lives, playing video games, texting, watching the boob tube, one up'ing each other with witty quips and fast paced banter... UNTIL I ARRIVED, TO FUCK THEIR SHIT UP! so tonight, this is what i learned via pillow talk. we didn't have sex, but i made sure there was a pillow near by each of the boys -at all times- to make them feel safe and have something to squeeze in case my questions got too scary. let's learn about the inner workings of two successful, cool, heterosexual, hip, young, go-getting dudes!

                                                 

                                                     

                                                 

dude of the day!!!!!

Look at this dude? who the hell does he think he is??? just because he's a male model who has tattoos that probably drive the designers he works for kuh-razy AND he knows how to play scrabble AND he can read (see stack of books he keeps to his left at all times) doesn't mean he has the right to give me the goddamn finger! like i even care! yes, he could give zoolander a run for his money! yes, I've heard the dude knows how to surf well or whatever! and yes, he's probably super rich and lives in the 'bu'. but why does he need to have his blackberry on the table at all times? to rub it in peoples faces that he gets a lot of bootie calls? gross (I'm borderline mortified that i even typed the word 'bootie'. ahhh, i did it again!) when this photo was taken he was in the middle of being photographed by me, and spouting off orders to some foxy female babe "I'm ready for my coffee and pie now!" not even a please! (on a side note: doesn't it suck that male models can eat pie, while girl models probably can't. life is sooo bogus!) you know why!? because he doesn't need to say please! he's GOOD LOOKING you fools! it is his right to take what he wants and leave the girls heartbroken in the wake of his manliness! he may have given me the finger, but at least I won scrabble. actually, i didn't. I'm totally lying. I'm sorry. another totally sexy hot dude won. wow, is this the week of the man or what?! i guess the moral of the story is: don't hate the player, hate the game? goodnight.

hip and handsome on new years eve:

Hip, thin, young, a head full of thick hair, and HE had a lot to say. could you ask for more? that's rhetorical. don't speak. listen. i really appreciate it when i ask a man boy what it is that bothers/intrigues them about women, and they reach into the pit of their soul and answer. it is a beautiful thing. honesty and concentrated thought go a long way. here's what one young man said on new years eve......there were other good looking boys that night, but he is the first in a series called "hip and handsome on new years eve":

(PS: thank you for the tag Jonathan! Jonathan is my super cool cyber friend who is an amazing artist and for whatever reason, decided to tag my image and domain name next to m cafe. it's been painted over, but i got a photo of it while i could! keep it up Johnny! you're awesome and appreciated!)

DUDE OF THE DECADE!!!

This is Nigel Godrich. Superstar producer extraordinaire! The man, the myth, the legend. if you don't know who he is, i feel really bad and embarrassed for you. I've given you the opportunity to click on a link and educate yourself....you monster! read it, if you even NEED to, then come back! Nigel is a hot babe and women love him! can you blame them? hello?! he's a foxy, talented, super successful, sexy dude who has great style and has often times been referred to as a quick witted charmer! how could he not be boycrazy's top choice for "dude of the decade"?! i asked Nigel a few hard hitting boycrazy questions, and he was kind enough to answer them because a.) he's awesome b.) i totally cornered him and 3.) we're friends and guilt goes a long way when you know how to work it!  so thanks NIGE! you're amazing! happy new year! xo

HANGIN' WITH NIGE':

1. what is your favorite thing about women/something that women do?
Pretending not to care and secretly trying really hard to please you..

2. what is your least favorite thing about woman/something that women do?
Taking forever to get ready. Pretending they don't go to the lavatory. Sleeping with idiots.

3. do you prefer blondes or brunettes?
My mother is brunette, Agnes from Abba is blonde.. I swing between the 2.

4. is there a type of underwear you prefer on a ladies bum?
Simple classic white cotton. No bright colors.. No thongs please..
5. would you ever get in a fist fight to protect a woman you were in love with?
Absolutely and without question.
6. do you ever feel too attractive?
Anybody who answers yes to that question obviously needs help. So... no.
7. have you ever gotten a manicure and/or pedicure?
Yes - only once during a particularly metro phase as a birthday present from my gay cousin. Very strange experience. Haven't done it again.
8. what would be the best prezzy a woman could get you on your
birthday or Christmas?
Slot car racing set with special treats for the best driver..!!
9. any advice on what a girl shouldn't do when trying to make a guy
fall in love with her?
Don't play games.. if you're serious. Don't promise things you can't deliver.
10. any advice on what a girl SHOULD do to make a boy fall in love with her?
Be honest.. be yourself. Wear white cotton panties.
11. what's the worst thing, fashion wise, a girl can do?
Wear clothes that prohibit movement to the point of ridicule.. ie. shoes that make you walk like a monkey..
12. is it hard to be so stylish?
I think I'm surrounded by more stylish people than myself.. I try my best.
13. what's your favorite store?
A.P.C., Margiela, Paul Smith..
14. do you think alexi wasser is a great person?
I love Alexi Celine Wasser.. who wouldn't?
15. weirdest place a woman has ever hit on you?
In line at the post office..
16. in your opinion, what city has the sexiest women?
Cardiff.. no wait.. LA probably. They're all so well turned out. Parisians are beautiful as well, but too crazy. Stay clear.
17. how could a woman hit on you in public, without coming across as
an overbearing/creepy stalker.
By being nice. Not talking in a creepy/stalker voice. Try asking directions..
18. what's your favorite TV show? (feel free to plug your new show on IFC)
I hardly EVER watch Tv these days..
19. do you think I'm beautiful? "no", would be the wrong answer.
I think we're all beautiful in our own way. Even the ugly amongst us. I know lame answer sorry.
20. do you think public displays of affection are cool or embarrassing?
Depends on their nature - essentially they're cool.. but there's a line which can be crossed. No snogging in company.