Sunday, November 30, 2008

The size of my thighs, and other things no one cares about:

When did everyone start using the term 'boning'? i know it was used in the 80's and stuff, but it's back in a major way and I'm just not clear on when it began to resurface. at first i was appalled and totally not a fan. but just like the rest of pop culture, it's seeped through and penetrated my soul. and for the same reason i watch the hills and am now blogging, i use the word 'boning' instead of/ more than 1. fucking, 2. making love 3. having sex 4. doing it. if only it was this easy to become anorexic!

^ This is what you get when boys like you. 

^  AND custom starbucks.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Make it happen/Keep it sexy, bitches:

Being single can be one of the most awesomely amazing things in the whole wide if you're alone and feeling bummed out about it, lets change that! turn looking for men into a competitive sport. it'll give you incentive to maintaining your figure, face, and privates. if you're overweight, lose it! if you have an overgrown monster 70's retro bush, wax that shit. Jesus! what's wrong with you? make yourself alluring. manicures, pedicures, haircuts, color, just enough makeup to look like you're not wearing makeup- but appear all pulled together: mascara,tinted moisturizer, lip gloss (not sticky)! if you have acne: see a dermatologist, consider accutane! pick super cute outfits that make you feel sexy and hip when you walk out your front door. and for the love of god, don't pick at your face or binge eat! when you've got that all sorted, and if you live in the Los Angeles area, you should go to amoeba records, walk up the stairs to the 2nd floor and pretend to listen to Cd's at the listening dock. what it REALLY is- is  a top notch vantage point for super creepy dude predators like you and me. hairshakers, shaggy headed, plaid flannel/dark denim wearing, white tennis shoe sportin' dudes and lesbians are aimlessly milling about looking for cds like a bunch of assholes.... they have no clue you're picking them out of a lineup. when you find a hot babe (i use babe to describe any sexy person in your eyes), walk back down the stairs (I'm even helping you lose the saddlebags in your man quest) and casually and as nonchalantly as possible, make your way to his row. act aloof and blase, except for occasional flirty eye contact, drop a cd maybe, (looking like there's a gleam of fire behind your eyes will really help too-practice doing this in front of the mirror at home during down time), and hope he's not married, gay, or just repulsed by the idea of your vadge! I'm so excited for you. let me know how it goes. this is business.

Friday, November 28, 2008

The Next Day...

So it's the day after Thanksgiving. I'm hoping none of us gained over 4 pounds. I hate how hard people try to make you fat during holidays. i went on a date last night, and every time his grandmother offered me pie-it was borderline relentless, i would just point to my date and say that he said i wasn't allowed or else I'd have to walk home. that got her off my back, and yet i still feel guilty. there's only so much layering black tights can do! they say sex burns calories, but it sounds too easy.

anywayzies, a few months ago i went to new york to see woody Allen play at the Carlyle hotel. he plays clarinet in a jazz band. they made a documentary about it called "wild man blues". i went alone. flew to NY on a Monday, arrived in the city at 5pm, the show started at 8pm, and i was due to leave at 6am the next morning. my goal was to meet woody Allen. to speak to him, to have him look me in the eye. to have an experience, a memory that no one could ever take away from me. (really, i wanted him to see me, fall in love with me like he has with scarlet j, and put me in every movie he makes till he dies......) after he played, i stood by the door that the matradee said he would leave through. i walked up next to him, not being ugly helped, and I'm also a the cards were in my favor. i was wearing a navy blue high waisted tulip skirt and a creme colored Marc by Marc Jacobs lace blouse. black tights and flats. i felt good. his big Italian looking security guy looked happy about me approaching, what a great day! I'm amazing! i said "that was great Mr. Allen." Mr. Allen? who the fuck did i think i was? i was nervous. "oh, thank you." he said. "can i ask you a potentially super embarrassing question?" "of course, what's your name?" "Alexi" "yeah, but you have to talk louder, cuz I've been playing jazz all night and i can't hear very well." i leaned in to him, put my hand lightly on his arm, bent down a bit-I'm a towering 5'11, while he is not. "well, um, this is so unlike me, i swear to god, but if i don't do this I'll regret it for the rest of my life, and it's just that you're so hard to get to, so that's why I'm acting like a crazy person and gonna ask, really I've never done this, and don't think I'm not judging myself as i do this...cuz i am, and normally i would be mortified, but....the only thing i want in the whole world is to be in one of your films. how would i go about doing that?" there! i did it! i jumped off the cliff, and behaved like someone i would normally ridicule and make fun of...but now i was that person. i guess you have to be "that person" everyone once in a while. woody Allen looked at me and smiled. i tried to look as cute and interesting and smart as i could while i held his gaze for those 15 seconds. he said "you wanna be in one of my movies" "yes, i can actually act and I'm very interesting looking" yes, i really said that! cuz wouldn't you tell someone you admire how interesting YOU look in the only opportunity you might ever have to talk to them?! DUH! he smiled and laughed, and told me to send my head shot and resume to his office - he gave me a specific womans name, and said to write a note saying that we had met and had a chat at the Carlyle".....blah blah an ideal world, what did i expect? probably a chauffeured Bentley to roll up and for me, woody and the Italian bodyguard dude to get in and go to JFK and immediately start shooting his new film with me as the lead....followed by the red carpet screening an hour after we wrap production, and flowers and champagne all for me! and rave reviews, etc....but this was what it was. and it was pretty exciting. all i had set out to do was to be brave enough to talk to woody Allen. he made stardust memories, Hannah and her sisters, Annie hall, Manhattan, etc. movies that have shaped the person I've grown up to be. films that are responsible for the way i think, taste, sense of humor, and even style. by now, hords of people were yelling for Woody's autograph, and my 'woody Allen and me' bubble was about to be popped. so as he turned away to sign a book (without feathers), i slunk off into the night. i had an early plane to catch. Happy Thanksgiving.

Here's a scene from the movie "King of Comedy". I might as well be Sandra Bernhard and Woody Allen could easily be Jerry Lewis. Have a great summer, K.I.T, xoxo

Thursday, November 27, 2008

I Like Boys......

I've been referred to as a manizer, a maneater (both literally and figuratively-yuck!), a flirt, a makeout bandit, out of control, blah blah blah. i won't launch into the whole double standard between men and women! it is what it is, and so i choose not to care. i like looking at goodlooking boys. they're everywhere: at target, video stores, newsstands, standing next to you, looking out at you from the pages of a magazine, record stores, the supermarket, EVERYWHERE! this blog is all about meeting boys, rendezvous, behavior which could be possibly be labeled as desperate and borderline stalker-esque.......but i promise, it will totally entertain you by either making you (the reader) feel better about yourself, or teaching you where the boys are, and what to do when you find one you wanna makeout with and possibly have sex with. don't get aids though. use protection ladies, or gay boys, or whoever's reading this post. i love you.