Monday, June 1, 2009

first love - part 3:

He was sarcastic and witty and I believed in him. He even wore nail-polish! He didn't care what anyone thought. And he was super cute. He was an American boy, but he looked like he was English Mick Jagger lips and a haircut like the Beatles. I think he had a beauty mark too. 

it went from me being completely intimidated by him, to the most intense first love i could ever imagine anyone having. hmmm. now that i think about it, I'm pretty sure i maintained my feelings of intimidation all through the relationship. fuck! oh well, hindsight is 20/20. live and learn. but he was too cool not to be intimidating! i'd rather that than some wimpy lame-o.

no one had ever made me laugh like he did. Maybe someone had- but they weren't a boy OR they WERE, but weren't as cute? either way, that's when i realized what it meant for me to be in love: HE MAKES YOU LAUGH SO HARD YOU HURT, HE'S YOUR BEST FRIEND AND YOU WANNA HAVE SEX WITH HIM! Felix made me figure out what my version of love is too?! wowzers! this guy was on fire! no wonder this blog post is so long. what power he had over me!

I think the person you call your boyfriend/the person you have on your arm, is a reflection of you. And he made me sooo proud that we were reflecting eachother. Yes, it was less complicated cuz I was 15. But in a way, it may have been more complicated emotionally. These were all new feelings. Everything was exciting. 

Now, in my 20's, not only do i have to worry about getting my heart broken or breaking people's hearts- I have to worry about paying my bills too!!! I like drama in relationships and I'm trying not to, because this only makes things harder for everyone involved- especially me. And WAY more complicated than necessary. I'm trying to learn that an uncomplicated relationship IS NOT a boring relationship. And that's one of the reasons I'm in therapy. But, yes, I think I always look at my first love as a barometer to gauge if I've found love. 

The dude I love HAS to make me laugh, be gorgeous, inspire me and have that secret ingredient that gives him an effortless cool. like he could be anywhere and people would want to listen to him, stand near him. The weird trick that's hard to find is this: I need him to chase me a bit, but not let me walk all over him. Cuz if he doesn't chase me and there are NO games at all- I'll get bored and frustrated and walk away. 

Love and looking for love and waking up in the morning excited about a boy or girl is universal. It's what songs and movies are written about. And the dynamics between men and women fascinate me. (to be last time!)


Desiree Ferguson said...

killing me softly

loveroffashion said...

My boyfriend is the only boyfriend I have ever had, that I can bring around all of my friends and not worry that he will be a geek.


Anonymous said...

isn't this story finished already? BLAH

Anonymous said...

i think you might be me. or i am the gay boy version of you. one of the two.

Anonymous said...


Courtney and Basil said...

This is a good story. I like hearing other people's romance stories especially when they are "My first..." They are so intriguing and amusing :-)

Anonymous said...

yay! love this. you need to do more firsts ;) lol

Anonymous said...

Disagree these 'first love' stories seem slightly self indulgent and are not as entertaining as your other posts. Sorry i do however love your blog!

gornoblonde said...

Hi Alexi.....awesome have you really
found the one or are you still looking for the
tall, dark and handsome..."The One"!!

gornoblonde said...

Hi have you really found "The One"
or are you still looking for him somewhere
out there??