deep in the beverly center:

The Beverly Center! The mall that sucked me into its fast paced, fluorescent lit vortex for 5 hours and didn't even apologize! But why should you bev center? I was asking for it. After Christmas sales can be brutal! But my 2009 outfits are gonna be sweet! Today, I tried wearing a beret! Today, I tried wearing red lipstick! Today, i was a whole new me that only exists and CAN ONLY exist in the confines of the Beverly Center. it was super OK to try out a new look! and the tranny boys behind the MAC counter encouraged it! IT WAS EXHILARATING! gay dudes at Club Monaco called me 'fierce'! me! they asked me where I came from! What a great day! Meandering about the mall, I saw so many cute boys! I'm not sure how many of them were straight, but I'm pretty sure at least one of them would have fucked me! And isn't that all that really matters? h&m, and forever 21 on the tip top floor of heaven on earth. an hour into my epic day, i ran into the guy I'm occasionally sleeping with! who cares that he didn't love my neon lime beret and viva glam red lips? who invited him anyway?! this was no time for nay sayers and dream dashers! it was MY DAY! this was my castle! barbies dream house! and he wasn't ken. he was an evil warlord from the wrong side of the tracks. we said our goodbyes. and i got a Starbucks.I cruised h&m for everything great! for some, my red lips were man magnets. a whole new breed of men that i don't usually attract! i caught the eye of a very successful looking (based in nothing but how crisp and clean his outfit was), tall, classy looking, musician type-with a non embarrassing Mohawk (it kinda looked endearing). he was clearly in love with my vagina, but i HAD to leave, cuz i left my wallet at Starbucks-the one ACROSS the street at the Beverly connection, NOT the one on the top floor across from h&m. don't ask me why. but at least they had my wallet and i got in some cardio! I'll never know what could have been with the Mohawk dude. he was gone by the time i got back. so i took off the beret, and i rubbed off my lipstick, and continued sleeping with that other dude, who will NEVER understand the 'Beverly Center' me.  

in bed with jack and pj:

Sometimes you just have to storm into a dudes house, beg him and his actor friend to take their shirts off, and ask them questions till they give you a goddamn answer. so that's what i did. i was bored and lonely. I'd just had a full and productive day getting my hair cut & colored, and my nails done. i didn't even have to wake up early the next day, so i could totally stay up late! but do what, where, and with who? i had no one to annoy! i needed brains to play with! dolls made out of people!

Meanwhile, jack and pj were cozy at home (not in a gay way) living their lives, playing video games, texting, watching the boob tube, one up'ing each other with witty quips and fast paced banter... UNTIL I ARRIVED, TO FUCK THEIR SHIT UP! so tonight, this is what i learned via pillow talk. we didn't have sex, but i made sure there was a pillow near by each of the boys -at all times- to make them feel safe and have something to squeeze in case my questions got too scary. let's learn about the inner workings of two successful, cool, heterosexual, hip, young, go-getting dudes!

                                                 

                                                     

                                                 

the blind leading the blind PART 4:

31. drink earl grey tea. it's fancy and good.
32. make oranges your new best friend. they smell good and taste just as good as they smell. like supermodels! yes, i know i shouldn't advocate eating, but sometimes you have to! and these take a while to peel! so, in the time you could have eaten two snickers bars, you're still in the midst of enjoying your new bff...the orange! pow!
33. don't eat carbs.
34. everything has carbs.
35. if you hate his sheets, and you happen to have your period, just bleed on them. this may sound embarrassing, but it's a small price to pay for getting what you want.
36. you are a woman. you are always in control.
37. try not to spend EVERY night at his house! i know you're all excited and happy, but don't forget you have your own life to maintain! plus, this will make him respect and desire you even more! no joke!

38. don't eat as much as the boy you're dating. you will only gain weight! guys are a mysterious being that can eat whatever they like and never gain weight. at least the boys we are attracted to. you're not trying to date the bitter clerk at the dmv who has a gut and dreams about raping you.

39. I'm really sorry if your dad/uncle has a gut,works as a clerk at the dmv, or dreams of/or is currently raping you. seriously, i had no idea. I'm not looking to offend anyone here.

40. you're not allowed to buy art at ikea! it is not a quick fix. ikea doesn't sell art anyway! they sell mass produced posters. be careful. (this coming from the girl who shops at forever 21 and target. shut your mouth!) xoxo

PART 2-The Blind Leading The Blind:

11. a lot of dudes are gay. A lot of dudes aren't gay. your job is to figure out which are which. Good luck! Cuz I can't tell anymore.
12. take a bath in epsom salt at least once a day. use it for your longest soak. it gets rid of any water you might be retaining.

13. drink at least 1.5 L of water daily. but be wary of the dream dashers who will try to bum out your new water incentive by telling you that too much water will flush out all your vitamins and kill you. these are lame, jealous, and unhappy people. just try to drink your water.
14. shave your legs everyday-even though I'm a big believer in the theory that the night you DON'T shave your legs is the night you end up meeting the boy of your dreams/or sexiest makeout ever!
15. get rid of all the negative people in your life. Toss 'em. They're energy drainers, and there's no time for them.
16. try not to be one of these energy drainers. Otherwise, you might get tossed!
17. you can't feel bad or hurt by someone-unless u let them hurt you. I'm talking about feelings and emotions and stuff. A punch in the face will totally hurt anyone! So take control of your feelings and don't let anyone hurt them or have power over you. Haven't you seen the last scene of labyrinth!? "you have no power over me!" Jesus!
18. even if u aren't letting people hurt your feelings-be consciously aware of the assholes who try to. wish them well in your mind, and then get the fuck away from them. you don't have to be a hater to cut the dead weight out of your life my little babies! Shit, that reminds me, I've gotta sort some shit out in my own life.
19. sex makes you happy: unless you were raped or molested and it brings back weird memories. in which case, that's totally terrible and I'm sorry. you should talk to a therapist. feel free to write to me and I'll suggest someone qualified to help you deal with that. you are loved.
20. movies/TV shows to watch if your pms'y or sad or just wanna feel girly and super awesome:

dazed and confused

broken english

when harry met sally

valley girl

16 candles

moonstruck

pretty in pink

notting hill

high fidelity

metropolitan

last days of disco

my wife is an actress

closer

my so called life

felicity

arrested development

Madonna documentary- I'm going to tell you a secret

unzipped-isaac mizrahi documentary

truth or dare

project runway

the hills

beverly hills 90210-old school version

tim guns guide to style

house

30 rock

freaks and geeks

conan o'brian

(light easy breezy viewing that will make you feel like a citizen of cozytown usa!) xo

Make it happen/Keep it sexy, bitches:

Being single can be one of the most awesomely amazing things in the whole wide world.....so if you're alone and feeling bummed out about it, lets change that! turn looking for men into a competitive sport. it'll give you incentive to maintaining your figure, face, and privates. if you're overweight, lose it! if you have an overgrown monster 70's retro bush, wax that shit. Jesus! what's wrong with you? make yourself alluring. manicures, pedicures, haircuts, color, just enough makeup to look like you're not wearing makeup- but appear all pulled together: mascara,tinted moisturizer, lip gloss (not sticky)! if you have acne: see a dermatologist, consider accutane! pick super cute outfits that make you feel sexy and hip when you walk out your front door. and for the love of god, don't pick at your face or binge eat! when you've got that all sorted, and if you live in the Los Angeles area, you should go to amoeba records, walk up the stairs to the 2nd floor and pretend to listen to Cd's at the listening dock. what it REALLY is- is  a top notch vantage point for super creepy dude predators like you and me. hairshakers, shaggy headed, plaid flannel/dark denim wearing, white tennis shoe sportin' dudes and lesbians are aimlessly milling about looking for cds like a bunch of assholes.... they have no clue you're picking them out of a lineup. when you find a hot babe (i use babe to describe any sexy person in your eyes), walk back down the stairs (I'm even helping you lose the saddlebags in your man quest) and casually and as nonchalantly as possible, make your way to his row. act aloof and blase, except for occasional flirty eye contact, drop a cd maybe, (looking like there's a gleam of fire behind your eyes will really help too-practice doing this in front of the mirror at home during down time), and hope he's not married, gay, or just repulsed by the idea of your vadge! I'm so excited for you. let me know how it goes. this is business.