dude of the day!!!!!

Look at this dude? who the hell does he think he is??? just because he's a male model who has tattoos that probably drive the designers he works for kuh-razy AND he knows how to play scrabble AND he can read (see stack of books he keeps to his left at all times) doesn't mean he has the right to give me the goddamn finger! like i even care! yes, he could give zoolander a run for his money! yes, I've heard the dude knows how to surf well or whatever! and yes, he's probably super rich and lives in the 'bu'. but why does he need to have his blackberry on the table at all times? to rub it in peoples faces that he gets a lot of bootie calls? gross (I'm borderline mortified that i even typed the word 'bootie'. ahhh, i did it again!) when this photo was taken he was in the middle of being photographed by me, and spouting off orders to some foxy female babe "I'm ready for my coffee and pie now!" not even a please! (on a side note: doesn't it suck that male models can eat pie, while girl models probably can't. life is sooo bogus!) you know why!? because he doesn't need to say please! he's GOOD LOOKING you fools! it is his right to take what he wants and leave the girls heartbroken in the wake of his manliness! he may have given me the finger, but at least I won scrabble. actually, i didn't. I'm totally lying. I'm sorry. another totally sexy hot dude won. wow, is this the week of the man or what?! i guess the moral of the story is: don't hate the player, hate the game? goodnight.

what you want your life to be:

So, the new year is nearly upon us and LOTS of things need to change!!! Ask yourselves these questions: Are you happy? do you like who you see in the mirror? are you in love? Do you want to be in love? Do you have a serious crush on someone? Do you dress like a lame fucking asshole? Do you need a new haircut and color tweak? (I strongly recommend goodform on Fairfax if you live in Los Angeles, or are even just visiting la for a layover! Ask for jay! he's a whiz at cuts and a master of color! I'm not kidding, so stop laughing! The dude will change your life! Plus he's hot, AND straight, with abs of steal!) Do you need an attitude adjustment? Do you like how you make people feel? Or how you feel around people? Do you hate your job? Are you in a rut? Do you smoke? Do you do drugs or drink too much? Are you mean, jealous, vindictive and talk a lot of shit? Do you hurt peoples feelings and get off on making people feel small? Do you hate your family? Do you even really like your friends? Let's reassess why? Do you need to do some clutter control/spring cleaning/a winter wipe out- when it comes to toxic friends and or family that make you super bummed and only drain you of energy? If you're always coming home from a get together sad and in tears or tired...don't get together with the person you just got home from hanging out with. Do you care too much about what people think about you that it's sometimes debilitating and crippling your soul? Think about these questions! 2009 should be a fucking rad year for you (and me, let's not be selfish, geeze!)! Let's make that happen! Tomorrows post will zero in on love, but this post is for your overall life!!! Go through your closet and get rid of anything and everything you never wear/use anymore. Make piles! Don't be one! Once your piles are in order, take the most fashionable of the piles to be sold at wasteland! Don't waste their time with yellow arm pitted hanes t shirts thank you very much! They don't owe you shit! Tell Ernest and the gang that I say hi and I love you! Take the money you make, and RUN to get a Starbucks -there's one down the street by urban outfitters- and write your new years resolutions! What do you want your life to be? This is VERY important! I really do believe that you paint your own life picture! Listen, if you're reading this blog it means you probably care a lot about your outfits and how you present yourself/put yourself together-on a day to day basis! Why not care just as much about your life's future and where you end up!? The clock is ticking! The cigs and alcohol and drugs are aging you! And youth is power! So cash in on it now! Look at Cory Kennedy and mark hunter! They're making their youth count!!! How about you? I'm not even exactly sure what they do, but it seems super fun/providing them with money and notoriety. Back to the point: just sort yourself out, get your priorities straight! And make a contribution to the world by being the best you can be! didn't nelson Mandela have a quote about that or something "shine your light bright so you'll inspire others to shine their light" or whatever? Blah blah blah! Just try not to do drugs and be an asshole. I hope I've made my point. Stay tuned for the "get that love 2009 style" post tomorrow. I love you. Now make sure that you love you. Later! Xoxo
ps: i stole this from a lovely young woman's myspace page: "Say what you want, and do what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."~Dr. Seuss

the blind leading the blind PART 3:

21. just because you have bangs, doesn't mean you can pick at your face-under your bangs.
22. Just because you exercise, doesn't mean you can binge eat.
23. don't be a stripper. It's not cool
24. don't get the lap band. even I'm not this lazy! and I'm a mulchy lazy couch monger.
25. always sleep with your bra on! I've spoken to a lot of women over 50 with great boobs- without having had plastic surgery-and they all say it's because they've always worn a bra. even when they go to bed!
26. watch gossip girl! why didn't anyone tell me how great gossip girl is? I should've listened to mike piscitelli! That dude knows! 
27. guys with no car, 4 roommates, and no job-are not to be fucked!!!!! sorry dudes, but this should be a wake up call to get your shit together! especially if you're almost 30! get your own place! merry Christmas brother.
28. meet dudes during the day! i can't stress this enough! some time soon, i will dedicate an entire post to this topic: supermarkets, the beach-(surfer patrolling=you can kill two birds with one stone 1. by catching a glimpse of their privates while they towel off and 2. you're deciding if you're even into them at all), 3rd st promenade-close to the beach, after you're done watching the dudes towel off. hollah! (slang for the pop culture phrase "holler".  fyi.) 
29. for those of you who live in Los Angeles- go to the 101 coffee shop* by yourself. when you see a table of cute boys or an adorable guy all alone, have the waiter send over a piece of chocolate cake. (don't be shy. I've done this MANY times. so put that in your pocket if you need a hand to hold for getting over your initial shyness.) the 'choco cake send over maneuver' can only lead to sweet deals! the move itself puts a whole new spin on the 80's movie scene where a meathead dude sends over a dirty martini to some buxom blond babe in a bar. if the 101 dude doesn't instantly fall in love with you, or at least come over and say hello with the need to praise your awesomeness- he's a woman hating/A sexual guy with a girlfriend! who needs him? not you! he's dead to you! *if you don't live in la, just go to any OOBERLY TRENDY diner type place where shaggy haired, more likely to be higher brow, hipster boys hangout! yeah!
30. don't cross your arms when you walk- or EVER! it makes you look SUPER insecure, and like a rape victim! even if you are, fight the urge!!! it'll make people more drawn to you.

skinny:

Like it or not, the size of your thighs defines your importance on the value scale of being sexy or not/worthy of desire. when did this begin exactly? i mean, let's face it, it's been chic to be skinny for a LONG time. look at the rolling stones and the edie sedgewick/warhol scene! duh. this is nothing new. this post is just a snapshot/a portrait of something that continues to be true. I'm not saying that it's ok to be fat, cuz it's totally not! when did this blog become a pro-anorexia website? yikes.  but, you know what i mean. when 2 girls are next to each other and their level of cute factor is the same and their personality is about even...the deciding factor of which girl wins the attention-is ultimately based on whose thighs are smaller. you've gotta have a pretty winning personality to trump the other bitch OR be famous! famous will win every time. a better outfit won't hurt either. but I'm basing this on 2 lame, non famous, equally boring bitches. because of this, I've started walking again. (did i just accidentally refer to MYSELF as a non famous, boring bitch? whoops. blogging is dangerous!) walking in new york was so much easier. it's like Disneyland over there. i felt so safe in a crowd of other walking people. looking at other girls as incentive, getting outfit ideas, eyeing dudes. getting pissed off at the size of THEIR thighs! now I'm back in la, and hating gyms and any and all forms of exercise is a problem to achieving the body I'd like. however, all that talk about exercise is lame to me-because the body i idolize is one that can only be achieved through starvation and drugs. the 'lazy beautiful' look. the girl who is so weak, she can barely raise a cigarette to her lips. so, the only super caj (casual) exercise and weight loss regime i can try-(as a girl who doesn't smoke or do drugs or go to the gym) is to a.) eat less, and b.) be dropped off somewhere in la, without a car, and be forced to walk home. and so that's what I've been doing. these walks help me think. i try to appear deep in thought and very confident- even though I'm hyper aware of every move i make. every swing of my arms. "does my hand in my left pocket and the other holding my blackberry look natural? i hope so". i don't try to text and walk at the same time, OR the ultimate lame maneuver-trying to (pretending to) read a book while i walk, cuz that shit is ridiculous. have you ever seen a person doing that? i have! it was a guy. if i'd had a dick, i would have had an instant hard off. that shit is worse than the dude with the laptop at a coffee house talking about writing a screen play. crazers! so, i just walk. and as long as my hands are accounted for, i don't make too much eye contact with crazies, and ignore the pick-up truck trolling me, I'm cool. 

The size of my thighs, and other things no one cares about:

When did everyone start using the term 'boning'? i know it was used in the 80's and stuff, but it's back in a major way and I'm just not clear on when it began to resurface. at first i was appalled and totally not a fan. but just like the rest of pop culture, it's seeped through and penetrated my soul. and for the same reason i watch the hills and am now blogging, i use the word 'boning' instead of/ more than 1. fucking, 2. making love 3. having sex 4. doing it. if only it was this easy to become anorexic!

^ This is what you get when boys like you. 

^  AND custom starbucks.