Thursday, March 26, 2009

i'm sick and here's why:

the other day i asked a close girlfriend of mine if she ever WONDERS if her boyfriends friends are in love with her. she said "of course! doesn't everybody?" 
"no, i don't think so. do you ever ASK your boyfriend if his friends might love you?"
"fuck no! " she said.
i guess that's where her and i are different. i like to ASK the dude i'm dating if they think it's possible their friend might be in love with me. If it's a possibility. If they WOULD if they COULD. i ask with no regard for his feelings. i guess sometimes i forget that men have feelings too.

I'll phrase it in a really fucked up way. Masked in a pseudo, 'I'm trying to be cute and silly and off the cuff kind of bullshit way', that usually (if the guy's not a moron) can see through like a glass panel. And you know what? I mean it when i'm asking it! it's not a joke! And they know it! But through that glass panel, is what? A very insecure, needy, young woman. 

i have a serious problem, in that I am sick and twisted. I need way too much validation. Not all the time. surprisingly, i have pockets of time where I am completely centered, grounded, focused and filled with inner strength; when I know who I am and no one can shake me. when I COULDN'T care less if someone liked me/ loved me/ hated me.

And then there are the times I fall into the OTHER pocket.  a sick and twisted fantasy world trance. When this happens, I am a weak monster whose greatest enemy is herself. I am capable of hurting not just my own feelings. 

During my five year relationship- the highs were high, but the lows were heavy and low. Like your heart dropping into your stomach. It was a codependent emotional roller coaster. I loved it. I was addicted to it. 

Coming out of that, I notice certain behavioral problems that have stuck with me. Behavior that I've taken from that train wreck. The truth is, I'm pretty sure I brought that behavior into the relationship to begin with. and mixed with HIS demons, we were KUH-RAZY together. 

But today is a new day and I wanted to talk/write about a habit of mine that I still have and one that I know I have to break-otherwise it will be one of my ultimate downfalls. it will sabotage me/take me down:  I need everyone to love me. Not really, but kind of. 

I'll get specific, because that might speak to more people. 

once upon a time, i met a boy and he was great with me, for me. We right eachothers wrongs. We complimented eachother. And he had many guy friends. One of these friends was going through a hard time with his girlfriend or ex or whatever she was. he was searching for his purpose, wanting his life to be fulfilling, wanting to be happy and not so aimless. 

For whatever reason, I felt the need to get under this guy friends skin. My guy (aka: the RIGHT guy) left town and because I've never been so addicted to instant gratification and attention in my life- even via JUST a standard test message; i became obsessed with the friend. Aka: the charmer. he took the burden off the RIGHT guy. filling my quota of attention! like a babysitter for a needy monster baby! 

Texting, phone calls and several platonic hang outs. I am a flirt, he's a flirt and we're both charming people pleasers. I didn't feel at ease around him. Never 100 percent cuz he made me so nervous. Maybe because he represented a path- one that, if I took (ie-make out,sexy times, etc), everything with the RIGHT guy would be ruined. 

The danger intrigued me. Made my heart beat faster and break out in a cold sweat. Like a high. How sick is that? The fact that he made out with another girl made me jealous. How sick is that? I had hugged him before and I didn't even really care for the smell of his skin- so what the fuck was my deal?  This wasn't even a case of 'the pheromones'! He was bad news, wrong for me, not right, too confused to be good for me- even as a friend. And yet I nearly jeopardized everything with the RIGHT guy?! Wtf

I saw so many similarities between us. I wanted to be his life coach. I wanted him to think I was the best. The only person who could make him feel safe. I wanted him to look at me and think: "she see's me". 

He drinks and he spends a bit too much time (if you ask me) "hanging out". I thought he should try to take over the world with his wit and charm etc and at least try to make a contribution some way, some how. But why did I care? Why did I have the urge to take a person on as a project and become so addicted to someone? Am I just a fucking monster control freak? Making him my toy? My play thing to fuck with? Who knew if he was even really talented or had as much promise as I projected on him? It was really none of my business. 

And because he's a boy and I'm a girl- there was sexual tension. Which I appreciated cuz I LOVE attention. Even though I have the BEST sex in the world with the RIGHT guy, I'm more attracted physically to the RIGHT guy, I'm inspired by and respect the right guy. But now, the cavalier charmer, so lost in his aimlessness, was in my radar. 

the sickest part is: my logic told me to get away from the charmer; to TRY to stop obsessing. But the another part of me wanted him to miss me, lust over me, wishing we could be together- all the while, me holding the power, looking to him and saying "I'm sooo sorry. I know you're miserable. But you can't have me. I belong to another." I wanted a guy that I DIDN'T want to be with- to be in love with me!!!

My therapist said this has NOTHING to do with the charmer and that it has to do with deep rooted shit that I went through as a child. something about my dad not saying he loved me enough.  being a child of chaos. Blah blah blah. She said that the charmer and I trauma bonded and that I need to go to alanon meetings. that I should only hang out with the charmer in groups. that i am the child of narcissists and make it my job to size people up (generally of the male species) and figure out in an instant what game to play to make them love me. she recommended i read several books. i was too scared to tell her i can't read. oh wait, yes i can. sorry. tried to lighten up this post with a joke. so 'like me'. deflecting real life with a joke! the books are: "trapped in the mirror" (by: elan golomb) and "addiction to love" (by: susan peabody). i love mirrors, attention, addiction, love and i totally plan on buying ALL these books. hopefully i'll READ them too!

now I think this whole thing is water under the bridge. that it's possible for the charmer and me to be bff's and maybe even business partners (if he ever figures out what he wants to do. IF we ever talk again.)

But maybe that's just the sick part of me talking again. maybe I just need drama and chaos to stir the pot, cuz when everything's PERFECT......... I get uneasy. xoxoox


Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
jesse said...

dude, TOTALLY! i was going to leave a craze comment but im thinking its a lil inappropriate so ima jus call u

Unknown said...

As I told you the other day, I LOVE your writing. Amazing. Thanks. R.

Anonymous said...

are we talking about Matthew McConaughey (see other comment posted in casanova part duece) and dude of the day a.k.a. italian a.k.a the way to be?

Molly Lambert said...


drinking with them said...

sounds like you need to read 'drama of the gifted child.' that shit will change you. and again, i love this blog. you are a great writer!

Mr. Kim said...

That's a brave post! Thank you for being so honest! it's refreshing!!!!

Anonymous said...

unfortunately i can relate. and the guy who is the "charmer" in my story..well we no longer speak. and we cannot be friends. and actually he isint even friendly toward me. and well i got to keep my "mr. right" but a part of me every once in a while still feels like i need the "charmer". its an empty feeling sometimes...and sometimes i know its better.
weird huh? well thanks for posting. at least im not the only one.

rd said...

Thanks! You just saved me some therapy.


erin said...

That sounded sooo familiar. Only in my case we've been dragging it out for FIFTEEN LONG YEARS. It's beyond sick now. Seriously.