don't be so gross:

Lets face it: your vagina is a dark, dank, breeding ground for a whole lotta disgusting nonsense! i actually don't blame guys for being scared and uneasy about going down there! but they better get the fuck over it and man up! or else they can consider themselves A. gay and B. dumped. actually- why do i feel that a gay dude, who's out of the closet and comfortable with his sexuality, would be more inclined to go down on a girl than a super frightened hetero dude? oh well, who knows? I'm just thinking out loud here. is that a crime? 

anyways, back to you ladies! it's in our best interest to keep that area clean and pristine! yeast infections, bacterial infections, razor burn, overgrown monster bushes, accidentally inserting more than one tampon and forgetting about the first one that's now lodged inside of you and is rotting, not to mention ruining your social life, ARE ALL NO NO's! yes, this is the grossest post I've ever posted, and hopefully will ever post! but it needs to be said! people are disgusting! i should know! I'm surrounded by you monsters ALL THE TIME! seriously though! you MUST go to the gynecologist all the time! you should get checked out every time you have sex with a new dude! I'm not kidding! you laugh now, but being a single girl-which I'm very familiar with-it's in your best interest to take care of yourself. no one else will! people lie! boys lie! girls lie! use a condom! except when you give blow jobs, cuz that would just be social suicide. don't be afraid of seeing your gyno over and over again! the doctor will actually respect you more and be happy you're paying her! 

so, back to your privates! i go to a Russian day spa. i truly believe that Russian women are the best at hurting you, while simultaneously convincing you they're making you beautiful, and sending you out the door smiling with a wallet that's a little lighter than it was when you'd arrived. I'm over the whole landing strip thing! it's lame! how about natural but manicured on top (which actually makes your thighs looks smaller and balances out your body) and completely bare on the bottom (that's so it's considerate and less complicado for the dudes you let down there). write me with your feedback boys AND girls! I'd like to hear what you think! life is about constantly learning! RIGHT??? 

so-for a healthy vadge, eat yogurt, or make sure to ingest some sort of acidophilus or 'good bacteria'. and for the love of god, drink pineapple juice! you know why they tell men to drink it! why don't you do yourself the same favor? you can drink pineapple coconut juice too! options! how exciting! don't wear undies to bed (as much as you can), and try not to wear tights or super tight jeans all the time! let your privates breath! yes, i typed that! I'm disgusting! somebody has to be, to get the word out. I'm just trying to make a contribution!

just another day:

Please don't think I'm a COMPLETE asshole, but the other day- while I was eating at whole foods-(something I put together ALL BY MYSELF at the salad bar) I was TOTALLY put off my food when a homeless person walked by me. I didn't want to be put off my food/lose my appetite for sooo many reasons. I didn't want to be THAT shallow and judge mental/easily affected by dirty people. PLUS, I was starving. But she walked past me like 3 times and by the 3rd time, I was done! She had won. Oh fuck, now that I think back, I should have given her my food instead of throwing it away. But would that have been more insulting? Oh well. Too late now. I left and got a Starbucks. Then I drove to another whole foods without even thinking! (isn't that adorable?) I went grocery shopping. i can be so efficient and responsible when i put my mind to it. When did super markets become such a beacon of hope and a security blanket in my life? While there, I spotted a cute dude in the parking lot. I was hoping he'd walk into whole foods, but alas- no. He was heading into the 99 cent store. don't EVER pick up dudes at the 99 cent store. you're only asking for trouble. Inside whole foods #2, I bought some rice cakes, cuz I really wanted something sweet, but didn't want to feel guilty. Rice cakes are a meaningless food that do nothing for you, but at the time it seemed way better than a vegan piece of cake. I had a whole plan: caramel and/or cinnamon toast flavored rice cakes, with honey on them. This was a snack that made sense in my head. Sometimes, I truly feel that if I can wrap my head around what I'm eating/and it's not super processed, and there aren't too many components, it can't be that bad for me. And as long as I don't eat 12 of them, I'll be fine. So I get into the checkout line, and the dude who was originally going into the 99cent store got in line behind me! No way! I couldn't believe it. it was a pre Christmas miracle! I acted super aloof and quasi casj(casual). And only smiled when I caught him staring at me out of the corner of my eye. The market was super hectic and people kept bumping into us. the holiday rush and whatnot! YOU know what I'm talking about! That's when I ever so lightly, opened my mouth and said "its crazy in here!" Yeah! I DID IT! a man magnet i am! the ball was in his court! He smiled. he loved me! I looked down at my basket. i had to give him a break from my penetrating gaze. i mean, i didn't want him to faint or anything. And that's when I saw his feet pitter patter out of the line...... and away from me.......and he never came back. I guess I'm not as cute as I think I am. merry Christmas.