the blind leading the blind PART 7:

1.  if a fat and/or ugly dude snubs you, it's time to look at yourself in the mirror. it might be time for a make over. 

2. if you're in a car and you see a cute dude, honk your horn. women NEVER do this. men do it! gardeners do it! just give it a try. the dudes will LOVE it and be a bit confused/taken a back. it's like punching them in the face with your new found power vadge! 

3. if a boy says no one will ever love you as much as he loves you, don't believe it. he's trying to suck you back in. it's actually another reason why you SHOULDN'T be with him. the world is large and you are lovable. i hope. i haven't met you, but i've heard totally good things!

4. you are a woman. you have the power to cast spells over boys with your words, your silence, gestures, eyes, and actions. this power can be super fun/entertaining, and will most likely result in an epic make out and/or someone falling in love with you. i can't stress enough how much power you have. use it wisely.

5. make a life list of what you want for yourself. what you want to do professionally, where you want to travel, things you really and truly want to accomplish, where you want to live, etc. and put them up on your wall. i can't tell you how important it is to see what your life goals are every morning when you wake up- right there in front of you.

6. wear mascara! what the fuck is your problem? it will only make your life better. trust me. 

7. if you begin a relationship with someone and you think you love them, but as time goes by you begin to realize they aren't the person who thought they were. OR they aren't what you WANT anymore, don't be afraid to leave. 

8. if you ask your date for a coca cola and he comes back from the bar and hands you a diet coke- it means he thinks you're fat.

9. being the bearer of bad news does not ALWAYS feel THIS good. 

10. when he calls, let it ring at least twice. nobody likes a desperate whore. xo

allergic:

i can't tell if I'm sick or if i just have allergies. once upon a time, two years ago, i went to get a scratch test at an allergists on la cienega. i had no fucking clue what i was getting myself into. he scratched up both my arms, leaving me looking like the sloppiest of junkies OR worse, a scratching meth head! i left saying I'd call to schedule my next appointment rather than make it then and there. 

when i got downstairs to the valet- it was one of those situations where you park your own car but give the valet your key in case he has to move it later- there was a HUGE FUCKING DENT in the back of my car! the valet dude had backed my car, HARD AND FAST, into a wall! WTF? 

i was ALREADY all scratched up, super low blood sugar and starving! and NOW i was pissed off to the max! i screamed, made super angry faces, huffed and puffed, filled out a claim form (all the while thinking, 'how do i fill this out? it looks confusing! i'm not a grown up. shouldn't my mom be doing this? oh shit, i AM a grown up, kind of.')

from there, i had a dissappointing meal at real food daily, but took home a slew of different vegan desserts and basically (no, not basically) TOTALLY binge ate them ALL ON THE DRIVE HOME. what? i was emotional. 

so, since then, i've never gotten to the bottom of my relationship with allergies. all i know is that these past 3 days have been a steady progression downhill for my nose, eyeball sockets and throat. i took a claritan yesterday, but didn't notice a change. 

i even steamed all day at the Olympic spa- a Korean day spa. i call it 'the naked spa' cuz it's a bunch of ladies walking around all naked. me included! sometimes i go there with my mom. but most days i go alone, because i'm not always in the mood to bro out naked styles with my mommy. plus, having to make constant conversation with people during a hangout sesh really unnerves me. it's too much pressure and fills me with dread. not ALL The time, just MOST of the time. 

while naked in the sauna, a woman walked up to me(also completely naked) and started to chat. no biggie. i could handle this. i actually find it easier to talk to a stranger than someone who knows me or someone who might have a preconceived idea of me. we talked about how much hotter the dry sauna was than usual. she told me about another Korean day spa called 'natura'. 

when she left, i wondered if this was all a ploy to murder me. what if it was her job to lure unsuspecting white girls into Korean day spas? a spa I'd never heard of. once inside the so called sauna, poisonous gas would be emitted and i would pass out. from there, i would be sold, sexxed, eatin and/or murdered. it was ALL too easy. and i had figured it out before the rouse had even had a chance to begin. i'm still curious though, so i'm gonna give this 'natura' place a looksies. if anyone knows anything about it, let me know. 

i went home, ordered extra spicy Thai food (for the second day in row). and just like the first day, it was delivered by the same uuber cute Asian delivery dude. the night prior, we had shared an awkward silent eye contact exchange. i wondered if he thought i was beautiful. instead, i asked him if his sweatshirt was american apparel. he said, yes. 

he was so cute. i over tipped and thought i'd never see him again. i SWEAR i didn't even think of him when i ordered from the same place the next night. now he probably thinks this is my crazy plan to fuck him. maybe it is. but the crazier thing was, his outfit was even BETTER tonight. more upmarket/fashionably street. i asked him if chop stix were included. he said "i don't know. did you ask for them? i don't pack the bags." OF COURSE HE DIDN'T! he was JUST delivering them! probably helping out his family. i knew he had better things to do and places to be. but i was sure i detected a slight smile beneath his surface. SEXUAL TENSION! I KNEW IT! and as i over tipped again, i said goodbye; holding his gaze and making meaningful eye contact. all the while wondering if he liked MY outfit. 

shopping didn't make it better:

I'm a little glum. Lately I've been keeping away from even looking in forever 21. And today, when I decide to venture in....the inventory is seriously disappointing. I used to love going inside, getting lost for hours, running into stylish girlfriends of mine and making the covert hand to the lips gesture signifying "you never saw me here." But not today my sisters, not today. And what's worse is that it looked as though the men's selection was way hipper! What the fuck is that shiz all about? Oh well, at least we'll have cuter clothes to borrow from the boys we're making out with. (even though TECHNICALLY the dudes we sleep with should not even know what forever 21 is, and should only sport apc, American apparel, and MAYBE a touch of opening ceremony. but i said 'making out with', not 'fucking'! so that leaves the spectrum wide open!) oh xx1! although it wasn't your day....I haven't given up on you yet! Or even you, heritage 1981! I'll be back, I just hope you are too! WHOOPSIES UPDATE: I blogged too soon! I ended up finding an awesome pine green and black plaid flannel and a super cute spaghetti strapped billowy tank top. keep spending money at xxi! it's all good!

Hope your Christmas was awesome! did you watch 'a Christmas story' or 'home alone 2: lost in new york'? that's good. hope you didn't eat too much, you'll only regret it. i feel like I'm always telling you that. but you can handle it! i know you can! you sexy Christmas goddess you! well, in case you missed the hills last Monday.....allow me to show you what you missed. i know I'm supposed to be a hills hater, and my target audience would feel the same way, but if the hills is your guilty pleasure, like it is mine, this is the most epic hills yet! emotions will really start to flow and tension will escalate when Lauren and Heidi are at the same event. keep in mind, they used to be BEST friends, and now they never talk! all because of Spencer. i was in tears. check it out! xo H.A.G.S.

The Hills - MTV Shows