Wednesday, April 8, 2009


i can't tell if I'm sick or if i just have allergies. once upon a time, two years ago, i went to get a scratch test at an allergists on la cienega. i had no fucking clue what i was getting myself into. he scratched up both my arms, leaving me looking like the sloppiest of junkies OR worse, a scratching meth head! i left saying I'd call to schedule my next appointment rather than make it then and there. 

when i got downstairs to the valet- it was one of those situations where you park your own car but give the valet your key in case he has to move it later- there was a HUGE FUCKING DENT in the back of my car! the valet dude had backed my car, HARD AND FAST, into a wall! WTF

i was ALREADY all scratched up, super low blood sugar and starving! and NOW i was pissed off to the max! i screamed, made super angry faces, huffed and puffed, filled out a claim form (all the while thinking, 'how do i fill this out? it looks confusing! i'm not a grown up. shouldn't my mom be doing this? oh shit, i AM a grown up, kind of.')

from there, i had a dissappointing meal at real food daily, but took home a slew of different vegan desserts and basically (no, not basically) TOTALLY binge ate them ALL ON THE DRIVE HOME. what? i was emotional. 

so, since then, i've never gotten to the bottom of my relationship with allergies. all i know is that these past 3 days have been a steady progression downhill for my nose, eyeball sockets and throat. i took a claritan yesterday, but didn't notice a change. 

i even steamed all day at the Olympic spa- a Korean day spa. i call it 'the naked spa' cuz it's a bunch of ladies walking around all naked. me included! sometimes i go there with my mom. but most days i go alone, because i'm not always in the mood to bro out naked styles with my mommy. plus, having to make constant conversation with people during a hangout sesh really unnerves me. it's too much pressure and fills me with dread. not ALL The time, just MOST of the time. 

while naked in the sauna, a woman walked up to me(also completely naked) and started to chat. no biggie. i could handle this. i actually find it easier to talk to a stranger than someone who knows me or someone who might have a preconceived idea of me. we talked about how much hotter the dry sauna was than usual. she told me about another Korean day spa called 'natura'. 

when she left, i wondered if this was all a ploy to murder me. what if it was her job to lure unsuspecting white girls into Korean day spas? a spa I'd never heard of. once inside the so called sauna, poisonous gas would be emitted and i would pass out. from there, i would be sold, sexxed, eatin and/or murdered. it was ALL too easy. and i had figured it out before the rouse had even had a chance to begin. i'm still curious though, so i'm gonna give this 'natura' place a looksies. if anyone knows anything about it, let me know. 

i went home, ordered extra spicy Thai food (for the second day in row). and just like the first day, it was delivered by the same uuber cute Asian delivery dude. the night prior, we had shared an awkward silent eye contact exchange. i wondered if he thought i was beautiful. instead, i asked him if his sweatshirt was american apparel. he said, yes. 

he was so cute. i over tipped and thought i'd never see him again. i SWEAR i didn't even think of him when i ordered from the same place the next night. now he probably thinks this is my crazy plan to fuck him. maybe it is. but the crazier thing was, his outfit was even BETTER tonight. more upmarket/fashionably street. i asked him if chop stix were included. he said "i don't know. did you ask for them? i don't pack the bags." OF COURSE HE DIDN'T! he was JUST delivering them! probably helping out his family. i knew he had better things to do and places to be. but i was sure i detected a slight smile beneath his surface. SEXUAL TENSION! I KNEW IT! and as i over tipped again, i said goodbye; holding his gaze and making meaningful eye contact. all the while wondering if he liked MY outfit. 


brooke Dulien said...

Alexi, your blog is so much cooler than the "belle de jour" blog that they turned into the show "Diary of a call girl" on Showtime.

BTW, I am NOT calling you a call girl!! I am solely referring to how it's about sex and stories and fantastic rants!. TOTALLY worthy and translatable to turn into a cable show like the one we obsess over! You know the one,,,,what was it called? Oh yeah, "sex and the city"!

I mean you are hilarious and aesthetically on point what a easy sell for HBO! Helllloo HBO.... recognize you have your new muse Alexi and her boy crazy blog right here! I'm dying to tivo it!

Ps. it goes down like this in the morning...
.check twitter, check facebook, check bank account, check email, check, check YOU HAVE ARRIVED!


Anonymous said...

is it possible to fall in love with someone from their blog? because i totally LOVE you! MAP (from the beach)

Jillian said...

i was totally waiting for a video at the end like you would ask him 'hey can i video tape you?'haha i hope this story continues soon or again. xo


Whose that pretty red head girl on the american apparel banner on the right side of the screen?

Anonymous said...

ALEXI - what was best sex you've ever had like?

Anonymous said...

if you take medication for allergies, make sure you get the one with a D at the end. in your case claritin-D. ten times better than regular.

Anonymous said...

and i also enjoy your writing.

Anonymous said...

Please address this on your blog!!! I luv ur honesty and need help:( Forrealz.......Okay, so I am 24, have a degree, have a kick ass job, rock a low low sinead o'connoresque hair cut, and LOVE MEN, but I have been single forEVER, and I've never quite lost's complicated. I want someone, a man specifically, to have there way with me!!!I work too much and have used it to make up for so much for so long, but I need,WANT SOMEBODY TO LOOOOVE!!!!

Anonymous said...

thx 4 the myspace add Alexi, now go have crazy sex with that gorgeous delivery
wink wink x

Anonymous said...

His outfit was even better the next day? Even better than an Americal Apparel hoodie? Be real.