Friday, April 3, 2009

touching your privates:

I hate the word 'masturbating'! It's so clinical and unsexy! It's the equivalent of how the word 'splat' makes you feel! So hard/harsh and in your face! Gross! I prefer to say 'touch my privates' or 'touch myself'.

anywayzies, the other night, I was 'touching myself' and I don't know about you, but for me, I can't get off/orgasm/come from touching myself if I don't have a FULLY realized plot/story/scenario going on in my minds eye! I have to have EVERY detail thought out; rooms, motivation, outfits, order in which clothes are taken off, from kisses- to being eaten out, being flipped over, serious eye contact, his hand holding my cheek- the one on my face thank you very much! you sick dirtbags! Jesus Christ! 

For a while I couldn't come to the thought of being sexed by a dude. No, I came to the fantasies of booking jobs and career goals coming true! Is that sick or what?! I'm right out of a bret eastin ellis novel. Whoa, I don't wanna get ahead of myself. Sorry bret. I just love your work! 

so the other night- for whatever reason, during a NON work related fantasy/masturbating myself session in the dark privacy of my room- it took me a while to take care of myself. but when I did FINALLY come, it was amazing! 

as I flung my head back, convulsing- my head hitting the pillow once- then back down again TWICE and FINALLY a THIRD time- the smile slowly fell from my face as I felt the onset of a horrible headache. Blood rushed to my head, but not in the good 'I just made myself come' way! 

It was SUPER scary! I TOTALLY freaked out! My life flashed before my eyes! 'I popped a blood vessel!' I thought. 'I KNOW IT! I JUST KNOW IT!' 'I'm having an aneurysm!' 'My brain is hemorrhaging!' 'I'm a doomed goner! this is it! I'm gonna die from masturbating too hard! I'm so embarrassed! I did this to myself!'

five minutes later it passed and I was
soooo relieved! I picked up my blackberry and wrote this blog post. Be careful, sex is scary dangerous.


loveroffashion said...

you, my friend, are Hilarious!

Anonymous said...

wow my picture is so fitting today...Last night was the first night in eons that I ummmm, I well, I ummm, "touched myself"....EWWW it sounds so wrong to say!!!! How do you do this Honesty blog thing?! That's what makes your blog so great, you say things I could never say .. (unless they are over great conversation with you at M cafe with you of course)...xo ..b

Anonymous said...

i totally read about that headache thing in my boyfriends GQ a couple months ago. and i totally use to get off to my own career goals also! especially when i was in college...maybe i'll try that again

Lola said...

omg Alexi, your blog is so good I could totally touch my privates to it.

I'm a girl, so I hope that makes it not that creepy... or does that make it creepier?
Whatever, the point is I love your blog!!

Anonymous said...

Haha, i LOVE to say masturbate.
thats the only thing i'll call it.
and i totally need to imagine everything as well.
you rock.

im glad your brain's not bleeding. :)

Anonymous said...

what about the words "moist" or "ointment" ? do you only prefer clitoral stimulation ? or do you reach for the back of your vaginal wall like the pirate dude in jail at disney land trying to get the key from the dog??? soooooooooo curious.. why dont you work for like.. the new yorker or something? more people read it here than in NEW YORK! belee dat!

Anonymous said...

this is fantastic

Anonymous said...

yes lola its more creepy. just cuz u thought it would not be.

arst said...

god. i laughed like crazy.

Marta Spendowska said...

too funny!
too funny-i say!