Wednesday, May 27, 2009

always something:

a couple of months ago, i was seeing a boy. these are thoughts i wrote down during that relationship experience: 

"what is my problem? I've found a guy who says he loves me and I stayed with him. He consistently calls me, is ok with me coming over to his house on a regular basis. But he's so cool and calm and collected. He can get mad, but he never explodes. Maybe he implodes, but I'd never be able to tell. 

Sometimes I feel alone when I'm next to him. His dry sense of humor and how much he loves himself is pretty entertaining most of the time. But I always feel like I'm left with nothing when I get off the phone with him, or leave his house.

My problem is; I feel as though he would be completely unaffected if we were to never speak again. As if he doesn't cry, or get truly sad about ANYTHING. As if he could take me or leave me. And that does not make me feel good. That does not sit well in me. 

I know LOGICALLY that he loves me (as much as he is CAPABLE of loving someone- which is supposed to make me feel better?), that we are as he says 'on the same team', but there is a disconnect

I am not logical like he is. I scream and I cry and I have tantrums and all I want him to do is put his arms around me and show that he's passionate about me! He's so cavalier it hurts me and makes me ache. He doesn't have the need to kiss me and hug me like I need to kiss him and hug him. Kissing him and holding him are like medicine for me. But lately I don't want to bother him for my doses. I wonder if he'll remember on his own. If he needs my love as much as I need his. But he doesn't. 

And then there are the days where he trys. when he's tuned in, 'on', and shows that he loves me- by the way he looks at me, cuddles me and tickles me. ALL the things he does for me/with me. And I KNOW. 

but just as soon as he's got me under his spell, he's off in his own world again. Love is hard."

since that experience, i've changed. i don't feel sad, empty or confused anymore..... 

because i'm dating someone new now. i'll let you know how it goes. xoxox

ps: here's something neat I'm gonna be a part of this Sunday (May 31,09) at space 1520 (1520 N. Cahuenga Blvd. LA CA 90028)from 11am-4pm........


David Park said...

I just broke up with my girlfriend, and that's EXACTLY what she's been telling me the whole time!! ahahah While I was reading this, for a second I thought," Shit, is this her?!?!?"
Maybe it's my problem, maybe not. But I've become completely allergic to drama. So, when girls throw tantrums and stuff I feel like I'm just boosting their ego if I cheer them up and baby them.
Anyways, love ur posts

- Random reader

Courtney and Basil said...

I totally understand. the, "love me or leave me" choices that seem to be the same for the guy is frustrating as hell. When girls love, we love hard!

Danni said...

If he loves you he loves you, and it's sounds like it was solid and meant something to him, why punish him for knowing his own mind and refusing to stoop to your level of immaturity? Sounds like your drama queen act is gonna be a reoccuring problem in all your relationships.

"It's not you, it's me".


Anonymous said...

Dear Alexi,

Please help!
I am just a regular old dude, but I have troubles talking to girls. Why is there still some kind of standard where guys are expected to talk to girls? The sad this is my complaints sound almost deliquant, juvenile or borderline naive, but I am 20 years old. Can you give a dude some pointers on when a girl actually wants you to talk to her? How to avoid small talk.. Honestly I would just like to go up to a cute girl and tell her what I'm thinking "You are the most beautiful girl in this room, lets get coffee" ............ Often I am in situations with 'The Looks' - you know at a show or whatever and your eyes just keep meeting with someone elses, is this random coincedence or does this mean I should talk to her??

pleaseee helppppppp

Riff Dog said...

I think you made the right move by moving on. I would bet that guy was going to be trouble down the line. A guy who isn't in touch with his emotions is going to be an endless source of frustration.

FleurLux said...

ill see you at space15twenty!

Anonymous said...

maybe i'm wrong, but did the old guy finally come 'round and you two are giving it another go? is he finally opening up, hence the dating someone "new" thing ? am i right?!?!?

shelby said...

Danni - that was pretty harsh but I agree with the jist of what you're saying. It's always people who've never experienced any kind of loss or real trauma in their lives that feel the need to MAKE problems out of nothing, thinking drama is glamorous and exciting and almost feeding off it. fuckin shame too... but she's just a kid... give her time to grow up!

Bebe said...

over-analyze much? Jeeeeeeeez way to ruin a good thing. grow some self esteem!

Kayleigh Re said...

I can directly relate to what you said. Anyone who is talking about being dramatic obviously has never really loved someone.
It can hurt! Especially when the person you are with does not understand how or why you love the way you do.
Love is all about caring for and understanding each other.. your peeves and what you like, then doing what you can to make the other person happy.
That's exactly what love is. Wanting that someone to be happy. If you must be forced to do it, it becomes a chore. My last boyfriend was like that for me and didn't truly love me. Maybe close, but not real. Good luck with the new one.

Anonymous said...


Chandra said...

That's exactly how I feel too, getting his hugs and kisses are like medicine to me. I hate having to make him give them to me or talk to him about it because I feel like I'm bugging him when I do.

Anonymous said...

First, I love your blog. I've been reading for a three weeks now. You have a reader in Alaska! Be proud!
This entry takes the words right out of my head (which is what I love about your writing so much). I felt like the affection from my bf was "medicine", but at the same time I would feel sooo unsatisfied after calling him on the phone or hanging out.
I'm not dating him anymore either. It's the only solution I could figure out

Anonymous said...