HEY, IT'S CALI DeWITT:

this is Cali DeWitt. a legend in his own time. he's lived a thousand lives, is REFERENCED in books, and has awesome bros-(one of which kind of looks like Jarvis Cocker and has WRITTEN a book.)Cali is/has achieved, so many things: co owner of hope gallery, a master blogger- yesterday and today, a great friend who will set you straight when you need some words of wisdom! he even runs a record label! need i go on, cuz i will?! don't push me! 

unfortunately, when i ran into Cali, my camera was on the compact setting. and because of this- the video isn't as clear as it should be. i'm sorry Cali! this is what happens when i see you, i freak out in the best possible way and my camera skills go all herky jerky cuz i get too excited! i'm sure you understand! you're CALI!

why did i bother with the fasting and all that when Cali tells me this.....:

boycrazy video - hey, it's CALI!: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

it's important you like his friends:

So, you managed to fall in love! that's AWESOME! CONGRATULATIONS! you're euphoric. the sex is beautiful. you make extreme eye contact when he's deep inside you. he inspires you to be brave and take over the world. you can look at eachother and know exactly what the other is thinking, without saying a word. you laugh SO HARD at the exact same things, it's like you're little kids again! tickle fights ensue and you want to hug him/SQUEEZE him sooo tight and never let go, cuz you can't believe you've found the LOVE of your life..........AND THEN YOU MEET HIS ASSHOLE FRIENDS! epic love story RUINED!

after i broke up with my ex, every once in a while i thought about getting back together with him. maybe I'd just suck it up and get married and pretend nothing bad every happened between us. i thought, 'I'll just accept his flaws, hope he accepts mine, and this will be our life.' but SOMETHING always popped up. something that love and growing up and therapy could never change: I HATE HIS BROTHER. 

my ex and his brother are in a band together. they have a bizarre love hate relationship. a 'bromance' if you will. but one that is SUPER dysfunctional. NOTHING like Brody and Freddy's relationship on the hills! THOSE guys are TOTALLY functional. this is more along the lines of Brody and Spencer's relationship; but WAY darker and angry/broody styles).

from the first time i met my ex's brother (i remember it as if it was yesterday) it was at the beauty bar on Cahuenga. it was loud. i REALLY wanted him to like me and i immediately put my foot in my mouth; saying something about his parents not being together and my parents not being together. i guess i was trying to show that i could totally relate to his childhood or whatever? who knows? i blew it. but i didn't think THAT was gonna be my only shot!

he got pulled into another conversation and i never got to explain what i meant/what i was TRYING to say: that i was a good person who had a huge crush on his brother. 

i wonder if the mean bro even remembers ANY of this. but from then on, it was a downward spiral. see how wanting people to like you only bites you in the ass and makes you look lame?! I'm exhibit A! 

as my relationship progressed (it lasted 5 years), i was always a bit nervous around mean bro. mean bro's silent gaze/aloof nature made me feel super duper uncomfortable. and because of the fact that boyfriend and mean bro were in a band together, it was nearly impossible to escape being near him. SHIT! at shows, on the tour bus, planes, traveling, parties. bf, mean bro, and me. i would even hang out with MB's girlfriend every now and then. (because we were the girlfriend, we got lumped together when the band had band stuff to attend to. it's in the how to be a band dude's girlfriend rulebook.)she's lovely. even now i have a place for her in my heart. i ALSO got along with their mom and other brothers too! WHAT THE FUCK?! WHY WAS THIS SO HARD? 

the MAIN problem was the relationship between my boyfriend and his brother. THEY were caustic. They were opposites who worked together. my bf liked to argue and be a brat with his self righteousness that buried itself deep down into peoples (and more importantly- his brothers) skin. i became an extension of my bf to the mean bro. i was never looked at or spoken to as if i were my own person. 

as the years went by, mean bro's drug addiction made him even more unlikable, and removed any possibility of us making peace. why did i need his validation so badly? why do i still think about him? because i don't like unresolved issues in my life! I'm brazen and would rather get everything on the table and work it out. mean bro HATED confrontation! 

they were Australian. i always felt his hatred of American culture and I was the ultimate American! a loud, opinionated, obnoxious woman. what a nightmare for him. I say things like, "oh my god! NO WAY! totally!" (my staple phrases at any given moment.) but when i said these things around him (or even laugh to hard) I'd echo in my ears because I'd catch him imitating me to others, ignore me, and be nicer than i EVER saw him be- to complete strangers, but never to ME.

recently, long since I'd broken up with my ex, mean bro's girlfriend e-mailed me. she wrote to check in on me, to apologize for MB'S behavior towards me and to try to explain it. i told you she was a sweetheart! but i still want an apology from him. or at least some resolution. from mean bro directly! but that may never happen. and it shouldn't matter to me if it does or doesn't. he has no power over me. that labyrinth saying works in ANY situation!

that time in my life is over now. i never have to see my ex OR his meanie pants brother if i don't want to. however, what i DO take away from this whole scenario is how THANKFUL i am when i DO meet a guy who fits ALL the epic criteria i mentioned in the first paragraph AND i ACTUALLY LOVE ALL the people (friends AND family) in his life. it's a big fucking deal,cuz that toxic bullshit can MAKE or BREAK your relationship! xo

BROSLIST.COM:

hey ASSHOLES, are you on BROSLIST YET??? 

what's BROSLIST? it's only the COOLEST/NEWEST/SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE! 

it's a craigslist/myspace/facebook hybrid, with a sense of humor and taste!

a social networking site AND a classified website that enables surfers to buy, sell and trade used surf gear, find cheap places to stay all over the world, get rides to the beach and land work. even the profile questions are more fun than facebook and myspace!

It's free to sign up, it takes 5 minutes to create your 'Brofile' - which can double as a private surf shop, let you post pics/videos or just help you reconnect with that girl or dude you met on the beach and fucked on a sandy rock or whatevs!

use the site, share it with ALL your bros, make friends, troll for hot/chiseled/hard as a rock-surfer babes! I'M SERIOUS, it's all hot dudes! SUPER dude heavy! i CAN'T stress that enough!

hot, fit, sexy dudes....who probably ALL have big dicks. let's face it, they're not cocky for NO reason you dirty whores!

make me proud and start prowling for surfer/beach/Malibu babes now! I DID and i've been hit on by some super rad dudes already! yayzers!

these dudes are legit too; fit, toned, have jobs and a mode of transportation..... OTHER than their surfboards! cowabunga!

it's new, so start bragging to all your lame ass friends about how cool and ahead of the curve you are and how stupid they are for not being down with the future of the internet! 

so click here to set up your brofile bitches!!!

xoxox

in from outta town:

boycrazy interview: in from outta town- from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

excuse me,what?:

boycrazy bullshit post: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

after being asked the question "what's something you hate about girls?", this is what one young man replied with. short and sweet. i love how boys have the ability to get to the goddamn point.

***************UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE************************

I'M SOOO SORRY! I WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR MY AUDACITY. HOW THE FUCK DARE I PUT UP SUCH A BULLSHIT BLOG POST?! 4 SECONDS OF VIDEO??? (I GUESS I JUST REALLY LIKED THE WALLPAPER BEHIND HIM). 

YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT! I'M BETTER THAN THAT! WHO THE HELL DO I THINK I THINK I AM? I GOT LAZY! I MAKE A LIVING FROM SOMETHING OTHER THAN BLOGGING AND THAT BECAME MY PRIORITY. I'VE BEEN UP WAY PAST MY BEDTIME FOR THE PAST FEW NIGHTS AND I TRIED TO GET AWAY WITH BEING LAZY! 

LAST NIGHT I WAS ANXIOUS AND CONFUSED AND FEELING BAD AND DID SURGERY ON MY FACE WITH TWEEZERS. DON'T WORRY, I'M STILL BEAUTIFUL, BUT NOW IN AN ENTIRELY OFF PUTTING WAY. 

I'D LIKE TO THANK EVERYONE FOR THEIR E-MAILS, TELLING ME HOW UNFAIR AND LAME THIS POST WAS, HOW THEY WANTED AND DESERVE MORE! AND YOU'RE ALL COMPLETELY RIGHT! NEXT TIME I WILL PUT THE TWEEZERS DOWN, STOP LOOKING AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR, NOT GET CAUGHT UP IN PEOPLE AND THEIR INFECTIOUS DRAMA CAUSING ME TO FEEL UNSETTLED...AND I WILL BLOG LIKE I HAVE NEVER BLOGGED BEFORE. I MAY BE A MONSTER...BUT AT LEAST I'M YOUR MONSTER. xoxo lylas

this is a big deal:

CHARLES SMITH is coming! soon he will even be beamed into your tv, so you can LOOK at him, ENJOY him, FEEL his presence and stare into his eyes. all in the privacy of your own home.

if you don't quite understand, that's fine...you WILL!!!

a profile on this man/boy is coming VERY soon. xoxo

in bed with jack and pj:

Sometimes you just have to storm into a dudes house, beg him and his actor friend to take their shirts off, and ask them questions till they give you a goddamn answer. so that's what i did. i was bored and lonely. I'd just had a full and productive day getting my hair cut & colored, and my nails done. i didn't even have to wake up early the next day, so i could totally stay up late! but do what, where, and with who? i had no one to annoy! i needed brains to play with! dolls made out of people!

Meanwhile, jack and pj were cozy at home (not in a gay way) living their lives, playing video games, texting, watching the boob tube, one up'ing each other with witty quips and fast paced banter... UNTIL I ARRIVED, TO FUCK THEIR SHIT UP! so tonight, this is what i learned via pillow talk. we didn't have sex, but i made sure there was a pillow near by each of the boys -at all times- to make them feel safe and have something to squeeze in case my questions got too scary. let's learn about the inner workings of two successful, cool, heterosexual, hip, young, go-getting dudes!

                                                 

                                                     

                                                 

skinny:

Like it or not, the size of your thighs defines your importance on the value scale of being sexy or not/worthy of desire. when did this begin exactly? i mean, let's face it, it's been chic to be skinny for a LONG time. look at the rolling stones and the edie sedgewick/warhol scene! duh. this is nothing new. this post is just a snapshot/a portrait of something that continues to be true. I'm not saying that it's ok to be fat, cuz it's totally not! when did this blog become a pro-anorexia website? yikes.  but, you know what i mean. when 2 girls are next to each other and their level of cute factor is the same and their personality is about even...the deciding factor of which girl wins the attention-is ultimately based on whose thighs are smaller. you've gotta have a pretty winning personality to trump the other bitch OR be famous! famous will win every time. a better outfit won't hurt either. but I'm basing this on 2 lame, non famous, equally boring bitches. because of this, I've started walking again. (did i just accidentally refer to MYSELF as a non famous, boring bitch? whoops. blogging is dangerous!) walking in new york was so much easier. it's like Disneyland over there. i felt so safe in a crowd of other walking people. looking at other girls as incentive, getting outfit ideas, eyeing dudes. getting pissed off at the size of THEIR thighs! now I'm back in la, and hating gyms and any and all forms of exercise is a problem to achieving the body I'd like. however, all that talk about exercise is lame to me-because the body i idolize is one that can only be achieved through starvation and drugs. the 'lazy beautiful' look. the girl who is so weak, she can barely raise a cigarette to her lips. so, the only super caj (casual) exercise and weight loss regime i can try-(as a girl who doesn't smoke or do drugs or go to the gym) is to a.) eat less, and b.) be dropped off somewhere in la, without a car, and be forced to walk home. and so that's what I've been doing. these walks help me think. i try to appear deep in thought and very confident- even though I'm hyper aware of every move i make. every swing of my arms. "does my hand in my left pocket and the other holding my blackberry look natural? i hope so". i don't try to text and walk at the same time, OR the ultimate lame maneuver-trying to (pretending to) read a book while i walk, cuz that shit is ridiculous. have you ever seen a person doing that? i have! it was a guy. if i'd had a dick, i would have had an instant hard off. that shit is worse than the dude with the laptop at a coffee house talking about writing a screen play. crazers! so, i just walk. and as long as my hands are accounted for, i don't make too much eye contact with crazies, and ignore the pick-up truck trolling me, I'm cool. 

WHAT DUDES HATE ABOUT GIRLS:

Attention attention attention! Listen bitches! we have to get our acts together! they're onto us. our games, our freak outs, our tantrums. they have an opinion! this is a very special edition of 'boys boys boys". this post is the debut of what will be a weekly segment entitled "what dudes hate about girls". I'm infiltrating from the inside! let's all learn something new about ourselves! and if we don't like the suggestion, we don't have to listen at all! here's what this adorable, hip, young, entrepreneur has to say:

Are you FUCKING kidding me?

So you're in a relationship with a guy that you have luke warm feelings for? hmmm.......are you fucking kidding me? good enough isn't good enough! the idea that not all people have experienced deep, true, epic love is mind blowingly sad to me! Let's get you true love!
DON'T SETTLE: you shouldn't be luke warm about a guy!!!! After a few dates you should know what he is to you. he'll fall into one of the following categories: a guy who's stupid, but has a big dick and you only want him for sex. or he's cute, stylish, arm candy, totally whatevs.
or he's a dude you might really like, but he's super aloof with you and can barely reply to your texts and you just know he doesn't like you. Which, HOPEFULLY, if you're not like me-should be a turn off. OR, he's a time filler/warm body. OR he's a REALLY funny guy, but you should just be friends, cuz ultimately you'd be humiliated if you were seen in public together and mistaken as a couple. OR, he's rebound dude/good kisser.
*** To me, the love of your life is this: He makes you nervous. you can't stop thinking about him. you have 3 hour long phone conversations. he beats you (just kidding-wanna make sure you're paying attention). He's like medicine! you can't stop talking about him. you can't wait to see him again. you two wanna be together all the time. The sex is great. you love how he smells. you love how his skin feels. you love the way he thinks. He makes you laugh. you believe in him. All this should be MUTUAL! One sided will not work! However, it's ok if there is a power shift from time to time. Who holds the cards will change-this keeps it sexy and interesting. If someone asks you if you're crazy about him-if you even hesitate for a split second-it's a lame dud waste of time and you just answered your own question. Walk the fuck away. Peace out! you just did both of yourselves a favor. your true love should make your life better. He should be a facilitator of dreams!

BOTTOM LINE: i think it's sooo important to makeout with everyone, and have up close and personal pillow talk with cute and/or interesting dudes....but don't get locked in! have an awesome fling, and then get the fuck outta there! you're too sexy and young to get in a rut! no matter what your age or sexy factor! I'm serious. dead serious. fyi: i don't mean to be a weirdo slut, but i think that flings are important because the essence of a person you get during a makeout, the side that you get to meet, the things that they say...are like priceless gems. you're collecting intimate experiences. you've become an intimacy collector. and if you're going to give up this aspect of yourself, if you're going to give up this opportunity to share private moments with sexy dudes that could possibly resemble a member of the strokes circa 2001 or Michael pitt.....to be monogamous.....YOU BEST BE IN LOVE MUTHAH-FUCKAH! or else it's not worth it!

I'm not allowed to be sad:

Today I'm on my way home from new york. i was here shooting a movie. it was great, and now it gets even better...i get to fly VIRGIN AMERICA!!!! yayzers! i truly feel that anything Richard Branson touches is golden! here's a video of what the inside looks like! i love you!

Here's me, trying to keep busy during the downtime. it's like audrina on the hills once said- sometimes you have to be your own best friend. or maybe that was whitney or lauren or heidi. never mind! fuck i love that show! anyways: People are dying,children are starving, and I can't find the perfect outfit! My god, does it ever get easy??? I am a monster.

I went to the elizabeth peyton show at the new art museum. she's my favorite painter. i think she's boycrazy too.



On a side note, can I send my American apparel tote bag to the dry cleaners? I'm at a crossroads cuz I REALLY don't want it to shrink in the wash, but its sooo dirty and needs to be cleaned. I wonder if everyone can tell how filthy my tote bag is, or if its just me? just another thing weighing me down and is quite honestly, borderline shameful. I let you know what happens.

PART 2-The Blind Leading The Blind:

11. a lot of dudes are gay. A lot of dudes aren't gay. your job is to figure out which are which. Good luck! Cuz I can't tell anymore.
12. take a bath in epsom salt at least once a day. use it for your longest soak. it gets rid of any water you might be retaining.

13. drink at least 1.5 L of water daily. but be wary of the dream dashers who will try to bum out your new water incentive by telling you that too much water will flush out all your vitamins and kill you. these are lame, jealous, and unhappy people. just try to drink your water.
14. shave your legs everyday-even though I'm a big believer in the theory that the night you DON'T shave your legs is the night you end up meeting the boy of your dreams/or sexiest makeout ever!
15. get rid of all the negative people in your life. Toss 'em. They're energy drainers, and there's no time for them.
16. try not to be one of these energy drainers. Otherwise, you might get tossed!
17. you can't feel bad or hurt by someone-unless u let them hurt you. I'm talking about feelings and emotions and stuff. A punch in the face will totally hurt anyone! So take control of your feelings and don't let anyone hurt them or have power over you. Haven't you seen the last scene of labyrinth!? "you have no power over me!" Jesus!
18. even if u aren't letting people hurt your feelings-be consciously aware of the assholes who try to. wish them well in your mind, and then get the fuck away from them. you don't have to be a hater to cut the dead weight out of your life my little babies! Shit, that reminds me, I've gotta sort some shit out in my own life.
19. sex makes you happy: unless you were raped or molested and it brings back weird memories. in which case, that's totally terrible and I'm sorry. you should talk to a therapist. feel free to write to me and I'll suggest someone qualified to help you deal with that. you are loved.
20. movies/TV shows to watch if your pms'y or sad or just wanna feel girly and super awesome:

dazed and confused

broken english

when harry met sally

valley girl

16 candles

moonstruck

pretty in pink

notting hill

high fidelity

metropolitan

last days of disco

my wife is an actress

closer

my so called life

felicity

arrested development

Madonna documentary- I'm going to tell you a secret

unzipped-isaac mizrahi documentary

truth or dare

project runway

the hills

beverly hills 90210-old school version

tim guns guide to style

house

30 rock

freaks and geeks

conan o'brian

(light easy breezy viewing that will make you feel like a citizen of cozytown usa!) xo

Dude of the day!!!!!

Dude of the day: that guy! What's his deal? What does he know that I don't? Probably everything! Look at him smoke! Like he doesn't even give a fuck! If this guy wore a name tag, that name tag would say "the way to be". And it wouldn't be lying! No joke. I'm in love! And I think my eyes are pregnant! Who the fuck does he think he is? The president of my vadge!? Well, he is now! I surrender! Vote for this guy. He's it!! who is he? click HERE to find out!