the blind leading the blind PART 9:

1. live every day eating like you're about to be photographed naked by Ryan McGinley the next day.

2. don't be an idiot. save your money!!! open a savings account! put half of what you make in your checking and the other half in your savings. you'll thank me later! think ahead! the younger you are, the more thankful you'll be later!

3. it's bad manners to drink out of a glass/cup/mug with a spoon in it.

4. wood does not absorb electricity. Unless we're talking about a dudes wooden dick and the electricity of a woman's vagina. in this case, wood will totally absorb electricity!

5. metal absorbs heat. If you leave your spoon in your tea/coffee/soup, it'll get cooler.

6. Stop smoking! It'll make you REAL UGLY, REAL FAST. I'd almost rather you develop a sex addiction instead (with condoms of course). It would be less harmful to your health. I don't care if it's your nervous outlet, if you're addicted! Go to cvs, Duane Reade, target, your local pharmacy and get the patch! Then go to whole foods and buy two packs of flavored tooth picks. One cinnamon and one tea tree. Good luck. Haggy, wrinkled, smokers won't be allowed to read this blog any more. So get it the fuck together! there's no excuse to smoke anymore!

7. i know i probably shouldn't say this but i feel compelled to; you should start loving your body if you don't already. even if it's all gross and you're out of shape. EVEN if you're a binge eating maniac with so many flaps of fat you can't properly clean all the crevices and as a result you tend to smell sour and can't figure out why. i say you should like your body because it's the only body you're ever gonna have and it's yours! my mom used to tell me 'how's your body ever gonna change for you if you keep telling it that you hate it?' so be nice to your body. that includes taking care of it with what you put inside it, (food, liquid and boys privates includes, how you wash it, how you move it, etc.

8. you're ONLY allowed to have popcorn and peanut m&ms at the cinema if you're IN the movie that you're seeing. no exceptions. if you end up getting cut out of the film and you've already finished the treats and feel SUPER EXTRA guilty cuz your cause for celebration is now non existent- you better walk that shizz off fatty!

9. a SECOND on the lips, a LIFETIME on the hips. 

10. don't go in the ocean when you have your period. a shark will totally eat you. i live by this rule. be careful this summer. 

deep inside the factory - american apparel:

oh my goodness. so, i did it! i had my FIRST visit to the American apparel factory in downtown Los Angeles. HQ if you will; where ALL the magic happens. it was a little daunting. not only is there a huge American apparel store NEXT to the actual factory, where i spent 2 hours shopping and trying on sample pieces that aren't available at the regular stores- but there were a whole SLEW of awesome man babes lurking about. tall, short, blond, brunette- looking busy AND official in a skinny, aloof, somewhat androgynous kinda way. i was in heaven. clothes and boys! wheeeee! it was like a modern day willy wonka chocolate factory for a girl who's lies about being lactose intolerant cuz she's always on a diet! 

i was nervous. i felt out of place- which i kinda was, cuz i don't actually work at the factory- but my friend Lisa Kim was kind enough to invite me in with open arms, give me a tour and then have a gossip sesh with me over 50 cent coffee in the cafeteria that is EXACTLY like an elementary school/junior high caf. right down to the covered outdoor seating area and post modern style community tables with built in benches, that'll probably be the 'it' piece and cost a fortune in about twenty years! 

but back to the point; please join me on my first and DEFINITELY NOT last trip to the American apparel factory. I've only just begun to collect all the boys that are hidden inside. gay, straight, unsure....i love you ALL and am coming after you. so be prepared to be interviewed! you look fabulous! how could you not? you're wearing American apparel! maybe one day I'll even interview Dov............xoxo

deep inside the factory - american apparel: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

the boy who ACTUALLY likes crime scene sex:

oh my fucking god! the hills was OFF the the motherfucking chain last night! that shizzzz was fucking AWESOME! 

*spoiler alert, spoiler alert: the bar fight, the new characters, a more likable lo, audrina's make-up is less severe, lo and audrina friendly with one another, Brody and Spencer face to face! what the fuck???

as usual i sang the theme song aloud, alone to myself with feeling, emphasis and pride. like a true champion who should know better but has an intense loyalty to her show! 

speaking of LOYALTY: for the first time, i understood what spencer meant when he challenged Stephani's family loyalty! i've never been on his side before, but what kind of sister shows a third party text to her brother's fiance! even though, Spencer WAS flirting! (i mean who are we kidding?) but it's not like he has a website called imGIRLcrazy or anything geeze!

AND: did everyone see my friend CHARLIE on the hills last night?! if you missed it, you're a SICK masochist!

i think i can hear my gay dude neighbors talking about Heidi, Spencer and the bartender! i almost wanna run over right now in no bra and just my flimsy nightgown, knock on their door and scream "my FRIEND is on the hills! the hills!" but i can't, because a small small part of me has logical restraint.

NOW, onto my next topic:  this is Freddy. the other day i went facebook crazy. i requested everyone & anyone who looked familiar, goodlooking, young, had a cool name and/or bangin' default pic! freddy was one of these people. he wrote to me; told me we'd met 7 years prior and had seen eachother around town ever since, but really never spoke. i was at the 101 cafe one night and facebooked him back saying "if you're near the 101, swing by and i'll interview you." 

NOT ONLY DID HE SHOW UP..... BUT HE RODE THERE ON HIS BIKE!! Freddy is a sweetheart. a lovely man. but one thing stuck out in his interview! something that made that bike ride and my decision to facebook him TOTALLY worth it! enjoy! xoxo

boycrazy video- the boy who actually LIKES crime scene sex! from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

the boys of american apparel:

he's sexy, english AND the manager of the melrose AMERICAN APPAREL! excuse me?! does it get any better?! hear him speak, watch his lips move as they enunciate basic thoughts and ideas that make you quiver just cuz he's soooo cute! THEN go find him for yourself and ask him on a date! he's gorge!!!! that's slang for the word GORGEOUS!!!! seriously. notice how weird my voice sounds during the interview, THAT'S HOW NERVOUS I WAS TALKING TO HIM! ALL BECAUSE OF HIS DARK, BROODING INTENSITY! need i say more? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, just watch the video already! xoxo


the boys of american apparel #3: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

excuse me,what?:

boycrazy bullshit post: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

after being asked the question "what's something you hate about girls?", this is what one young man replied with. short and sweet. i love how boys have the ability to get to the goddamn point.

***************UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE************************

I'M SOOO SORRY! I WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR MY AUDACITY. HOW THE FUCK DARE I PUT UP SUCH A BULLSHIT BLOG POST?! 4 SECONDS OF VIDEO??? (I GUESS I JUST REALLY LIKED THE WALLPAPER BEHIND HIM). 

YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT! I'M BETTER THAN THAT! WHO THE HELL DO I THINK I THINK I AM? I GOT LAZY! I MAKE A LIVING FROM SOMETHING OTHER THAN BLOGGING AND THAT BECAME MY PRIORITY. I'VE BEEN UP WAY PAST MY BEDTIME FOR THE PAST FEW NIGHTS AND I TRIED TO GET AWAY WITH BEING LAZY! 

LAST NIGHT I WAS ANXIOUS AND CONFUSED AND FEELING BAD AND DID SURGERY ON MY FACE WITH TWEEZERS. DON'T WORRY, I'M STILL BEAUTIFUL, BUT NOW IN AN ENTIRELY OFF PUTTING WAY. 

I'D LIKE TO THANK EVERYONE FOR THEIR E-MAILS, TELLING ME HOW UNFAIR AND LAME THIS POST WAS, HOW THEY WANTED AND DESERVE MORE! AND YOU'RE ALL COMPLETELY RIGHT! NEXT TIME I WILL PUT THE TWEEZERS DOWN, STOP LOOKING AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR, NOT GET CAUGHT UP IN PEOPLE AND THEIR INFECTIOUS DRAMA CAUSING ME TO FEEL UNSETTLED...AND I WILL BLOG LIKE I HAVE NEVER BLOGGED BEFORE. I MAY BE A MONSTER...BUT AT LEAST I'M YOUR MONSTER. xoxo lylas

the boys of american apparel:

Recently, like a traitor to my people, I've started working out. i hate exercise- EXCEPT in the form of sex & ab crunches only as a byproduct of giving blow jobs (the ones where you're lying on your back and the dude's above you-you know what I'm talking about!) so working out in any other way shape or form is totally out of my comfort zone. 

I'll ONLY do exercise that lets me wear flip flops to bare feet and leggings! I'm not into ANYTHING that might force me to cross the sleek lines of leggings & hooters shorts & a light 50 cotton 50 poly deep v OR an easy breezy Sebastian Tellier sexuality tank WITH super dorky, ugly, monster sized, clunky sneakers. no thank you!!! 

so, with that deep rooted decision having been made, I'm only able to do Pilate's and/or yoga. SO BE IT! this is obviously gods intention for me. 

I haven't had pizza in 5 years and I'm still not as fit as I'd like to be...so i gotta fucking start exercising. but you know what REALLY inspires me? PICKING THE OUTFIT FOR EACH AND EVERY WORKOUT SESH WITH MY SUPER SEXY HOT BABE TRAINER!!! 

Who knew you could shop for tote bags, work out gear and LOVE- all in one place? AMERICAN FUCKING APPAREL! next to the apple store (there will be an entire post dedicated to that place SOON), whole foods and a rave...this place is MAN MECCA!

And on an early morning visit to an American Apparel on main street in Santa Monica California (there's even a starbucks across the street- can you handle it muthah-fuckahs), i got side tracked during my 'work out gear shopping quest' by the gleam of an adorable young shop boys braces in my peripheral vision. i bought what i needed, then dragged the dude into a quiet corner to have a chat. 
boycrazy- the boys of american apparel #2: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

dude of the day!!!!!

Who the hell is this guy? And what was he doing at space 1520 on cahuenga??? Why did I waste so much money flying overseas (London, Paris, Italy, Hamburg and all over Switzerland) to have romantic rendezvous’ with exotic looking dudes who barely speak English, don’t feel the need to bathe on a daily basis, and have sex all epic and animal like- when I could’ve stayed in my hometown with this guy! LOOK AT HIS FUCKING PILLOW CUSHION LIPS! I’m sorry; I just fainted, what’s happening? Oh yeah…from what I can remember, when I was taking his pic, this guy spoke English (that’s a bonus, right?), but I couldn’t hear a word he said. 

He had holes in his sweater; his hands were all rugged and rough! And the best part: he SMELLED European. LOOK AT HIS SKIN. It’s all olivey toned! and those eyes that look so deep and sad. Lets face it. This dude would fuck the shit out of you! I’m just worried that he might be too nice (Is there such a thing? YES!) and end up falling in love with you. If you meet this dude in person, let him prove me wrong. But you can still let him fuck the shit of you. What’s that phrase? 'Fuck till you bleed'? Anywayzies, it’s the least he can do.

the boys of american apparel:

this boy is adorable! i don't know if it's cuz he's young, has super long hair or what?! it could be a million different things combined! i've seen him at the store he works at for a while and he's always a sweetheart, in a good mood, free of a bad attitude. he got a bit camera shy, which is even cuter. looking back, i feel like a monster with my questions...but he said he'd be interviewed! so this is more an example of yet another cute boy that exists in the world and more specifically...one that works on melrose. at least on this site, you not only get to LOOK at a cute boy, you get to HEAR him speak and get a tiny sense of his personality too. in this case, i think he's just trying to get away from me/regretting his decision to let me interview him...but a cute boy talking nonetheless!

dude of the day!!!!!

Look at this dude? who the hell does he think he is??? just because he's a male model who has tattoos that probably drive the designers he works for kuh-razy AND he knows how to play scrabble AND he can read (see stack of books he keeps to his left at all times) doesn't mean he has the right to give me the goddamn finger! like i even care! yes, he could give zoolander a run for his money! yes, I've heard the dude knows how to surf well or whatever! and yes, he's probably super rich and lives in the 'bu'. but why does he need to have his blackberry on the table at all times? to rub it in peoples faces that he gets a lot of bootie calls? gross (I'm borderline mortified that i even typed the word 'bootie'. ahhh, i did it again!) when this photo was taken he was in the middle of being photographed by me, and spouting off orders to some foxy female babe "I'm ready for my coffee and pie now!" not even a please! (on a side note: doesn't it suck that male models can eat pie, while girl models probably can't. life is sooo bogus!) you know why!? because he doesn't need to say please! he's GOOD LOOKING you fools! it is his right to take what he wants and leave the girls heartbroken in the wake of his manliness! he may have given me the finger, but at least I won scrabble. actually, i didn't. I'm totally lying. I'm sorry. another totally sexy hot dude won. wow, is this the week of the man or what?! i guess the moral of the story is: don't hate the player, hate the game? goodnight.

hip and handsome on new years eve:

Hip, thin, young, a head full of thick hair, and HE had a lot to say. could you ask for more? that's rhetorical. don't speak. listen. i really appreciate it when i ask a man boy what it is that bothers/intrigues them about women, and they reach into the pit of their soul and answer. it is a beautiful thing. honesty and concentrated thought go a long way. here's what one young man said on new years eve......there were other good looking boys that night, but he is the first in a series called "hip and handsome on new years eve":

(PS: thank you for the tag Jonathan! Jonathan is my super cool cyber friend who is an amazing artist and for whatever reason, decided to tag my image and domain name next to m cafe. it's been painted over, but i got a photo of it while i could! keep it up Johnny! you're awesome and appreciated!)

DUDE OF THE DECADE!!!

This is Nigel Godrich. Superstar producer extraordinaire! The man, the myth, the legend. if you don't know who he is, i feel really bad and embarrassed for you. I've given you the opportunity to click on a link and educate yourself....you monster! read it, if you even NEED to, then come back! Nigel is a hot babe and women love him! can you blame them? hello?! he's a foxy, talented, super successful, sexy dude who has great style and has often times been referred to as a quick witted charmer! how could he not be boycrazy's top choice for "dude of the decade"?! i asked Nigel a few hard hitting boycrazy questions, and he was kind enough to answer them because a.) he's awesome b.) i totally cornered him and 3.) we're friends and guilt goes a long way when you know how to work it!  so thanks NIGE! you're amazing! happy new year! xo

HANGIN' WITH NIGE':

1. what is your favorite thing about women/something that women do?
Pretending not to care and secretly trying really hard to please you..

2. what is your least favorite thing about woman/something that women do?
Taking forever to get ready. Pretending they don't go to the lavatory. Sleeping with idiots.

3. do you prefer blondes or brunettes?
My mother is brunette, Agnes from Abba is blonde.. I swing between the 2.

4. is there a type of underwear you prefer on a ladies bum?
Simple classic white cotton. No bright colors.. No thongs please..
5. would you ever get in a fist fight to protect a woman you were in love with?
Absolutely and without question.
6. do you ever feel too attractive?
Anybody who answers yes to that question obviously needs help. So... no.
7. have you ever gotten a manicure and/or pedicure?
Yes - only once during a particularly metro phase as a birthday present from my gay cousin. Very strange experience. Haven't done it again.
8. what would be the best prezzy a woman could get you on your
birthday or Christmas?
Slot car racing set with special treats for the best driver..!!
9. any advice on what a girl shouldn't do when trying to make a guy
fall in love with her?
Don't play games.. if you're serious. Don't promise things you can't deliver.
10. any advice on what a girl SHOULD do to make a boy fall in love with her?
Be honest.. be yourself. Wear white cotton panties.
11. what's the worst thing, fashion wise, a girl can do?
Wear clothes that prohibit movement to the point of ridicule.. ie. shoes that make you walk like a monkey..
12. is it hard to be so stylish?
I think I'm surrounded by more stylish people than myself.. I try my best.
13. what's your favorite store?
A.P.C., Margiela, Paul Smith..
14. do you think alexi wasser is a great person?
I love Alexi Celine Wasser.. who wouldn't?
15. weirdest place a woman has ever hit on you?
In line at the post office..
16. in your opinion, what city has the sexiest women?
Cardiff.. no wait.. LA probably. They're all so well turned out. Parisians are beautiful as well, but too crazy. Stay clear.
17. how could a woman hit on you in public, without coming across as
an overbearing/creepy stalker.
By being nice. Not talking in a creepy/stalker voice. Try asking directions..
18. what's your favorite TV show? (feel free to plug your new show on IFC)
I hardly EVER watch Tv these days..
19. do you think I'm beautiful? "no", would be the wrong answer.
I think we're all beautiful in our own way. Even the ugly amongst us. I know lame answer sorry.
20. do you think public displays of affection are cool or embarrassing?
Depends on their nature - essentially they're cool.. but there's a line which can be crossed. No snogging in company.

love of your life, boy of your dreams:

If you want to fall in love, and you've had bad luck in the past, or you're just unclear/not sure about what you want in someone......Make a wish list! it helps you be clear, daydream, and specify what actually matters to you! here's mine- so you don't think I'm just trying to make you do something lame:

he's a facilitator of dreams

he makes me laugh sooo much

he listens to me and doesn't wish I'd shut the fuck up

he actually likes to listen to me and hear what i have been storing up in my mind

he likes me

i like him

he is my friend

he's the most gorgeous sexy man I've ever seen

he loves me

i love him

he's extremely smart

he's charming

he's great in social situations

nonsmoker

he drinks every once in a while-only socially

he's very successful and loves the work that he does

he's funny

he's witty

he's quick witted

i respect him

he respects me

he's the best sex I've ever had in my life

I'm the best sex he's ever had in his life

he's very stylish

he's great dresser

i make him laugh

he doesn't make me angry

i don't make him angry

we make each others lives BETTER

i am his best friend

he is my best friend

we have the best sex in the world

we don't fight

we laugh all the time

he loves me

i love him

i have no desire to cheat

he has no desire to cheat

we look great together

we are a handsome couple

i love how i see myself through his eyes

i am the most beautiful girl he's ever seen

he is my age or a little bit older

he totally gets my sense of humor

i totally get his sense of humor

he surprises me with presents: like Chanel bags (black jumbo classic lambskin bag with gold hardware-if not black, rosebud, but always lambskin NOT cambon and always gold hardware), flowers (white roses, tulips, red roses)

he has the money to pay for these things and not go bankrupt

he's cool

he's not a poser

he's confident

he knows who he is

he inspires me

i inspire him

we are in love!

*YES, i know i rambled and repeated myself, and said very BIG grandiose things! but who cares! love is crazy and exciting and amazing! and I'd rather dream big, rather than small! xoxo

what you want your life to be:

So, the new year is nearly upon us and LOTS of things need to change!!! Ask yourselves these questions: Are you happy? do you like who you see in the mirror? are you in love? Do you want to be in love? Do you have a serious crush on someone? Do you dress like a lame fucking asshole? Do you need a new haircut and color tweak? (I strongly recommend goodform on Fairfax if you live in Los Angeles, or are even just visiting la for a layover! Ask for jay! he's a whiz at cuts and a master of color! I'm not kidding, so stop laughing! The dude will change your life! Plus he's hot, AND straight, with abs of steal!) Do you need an attitude adjustment? Do you like how you make people feel? Or how you feel around people? Do you hate your job? Are you in a rut? Do you smoke? Do you do drugs or drink too much? Are you mean, jealous, vindictive and talk a lot of shit? Do you hurt peoples feelings and get off on making people feel small? Do you hate your family? Do you even really like your friends? Let's reassess why? Do you need to do some clutter control/spring cleaning/a winter wipe out- when it comes to toxic friends and or family that make you super bummed and only drain you of energy? If you're always coming home from a get together sad and in tears or tired...don't get together with the person you just got home from hanging out with. Do you care too much about what people think about you that it's sometimes debilitating and crippling your soul? Think about these questions! 2009 should be a fucking rad year for you (and me, let's not be selfish, geeze!)! Let's make that happen! Tomorrows post will zero in on love, but this post is for your overall life!!! Go through your closet and get rid of anything and everything you never wear/use anymore. Make piles! Don't be one! Once your piles are in order, take the most fashionable of the piles to be sold at wasteland! Don't waste their time with yellow arm pitted hanes t shirts thank you very much! They don't owe you shit! Tell Ernest and the gang that I say hi and I love you! Take the money you make, and RUN to get a Starbucks -there's one down the street by urban outfitters- and write your new years resolutions! What do you want your life to be? This is VERY important! I really do believe that you paint your own life picture! Listen, if you're reading this blog it means you probably care a lot about your outfits and how you present yourself/put yourself together-on a day to day basis! Why not care just as much about your life's future and where you end up!? The clock is ticking! The cigs and alcohol and drugs are aging you! And youth is power! So cash in on it now! Look at Cory Kennedy and mark hunter! They're making their youth count!!! How about you? I'm not even exactly sure what they do, but it seems super fun/providing them with money and notoriety. Back to the point: just sort yourself out, get your priorities straight! And make a contribution to the world by being the best you can be! didn't nelson Mandela have a quote about that or something "shine your light bright so you'll inspire others to shine their light" or whatever? Blah blah blah! Just try not to do drugs and be an asshole. I hope I've made my point. Stay tuned for the "get that love 2009 style" post tomorrow. I love you. Now make sure that you love you. Later! Xoxo
ps: i stole this from a lovely young woman's myspace page: "Say what you want, and do what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."~Dr. Seuss