Wednesday, May 20, 2009

a rant on monogamy:

so, I've been thinking a lot about monogamy lately. Is mid to late twenties still too young to fall in love & say you're gonna spend the rest of your life with someone? would it be better to meet someone when you're in your early to mid thirties? 

but women freak out about this! they think that if they meet someone when they're 34/35, they'll have to rush into having a baby out of fear their bio clock is tick tick ticking! but is it? should women still fear this? it seems like women are having babies later & later nowadays. I'm not saying try when you're 50, but waiting till you're 38 to procreate doesn't seem so scary anymore. 

i also hear it's common for women to have a miscarriage the first time they get preggers. but i am in no way an authority on any of this. i am not in my thirties, i have never been pregs, i have never had a miscarriage or an abortion, and i am not trying to make a baby any time soon. all real questions on this subject should be taken up with one or more gynecologists- to ask them for their expert opinions on all these topics. 

as for relationships, isn't it better to have a passionate relationship and if/when the passion runs out- leave and hopefully walk away with having learned something? what do you think? I'm interested in getting my readers opinions. all eight of you!

when things get lackluster or you begin to feel either too comfortable or perhaps a bit taken for granted, shouldn't you leave? is it possible to keep the excitement and passion in the beginning/the enchantment forever? I need to interview some older men/women and see what they have to say. on one hand, it would be nice to be crazy high euphoric in love forever. but on the other hand, i don't think you'd get anything in your work life accomplished! 

euphoria tends to dwindle. the urge to kiss strangers pops up again. it doesn't necessarily mean you're not in LOVE with the bf anymore, it might just mean you're in the dulldrums/disenchanted and have fallen from the clouds. Reality has set in and it feels like shit, compared to the start of the relationship. but chasing that feeling isn't real though. It's another addiction: just like people can be addicted to food, drugs, sex. it's a love addiction. an addiction to high highs and low lows. 

is it OK to accept that the truth may be this: that a stable, mellow, even keel relationship is healthy and the way to be? that it's ok for real life to set in and for you to realize that you can't put ALL your attention on your significant other 24/7. you have to have a LIFE of your own. and it's ok if he has a life of HIS own. that relationships go in flows. they have ups and downs. it can't be ALL drama and passion ALL the time. sometimes it's just a steady paced thing, which can feel very boring to someone whose idea of a normal relationship is kuh-razy highs and lows with screaming and crying; or trying to make the other person jealous in order to feel attractive and desired; fucking in public; shutting the rest of the world out of their love bubble. 

All I know is that i would hate for any bf of mine to be thinking these thoughts! but i guess that's why the saying 'what someone else is thinking is none of your business' exists. and THANK GOD your thoughts are inside your head and you don't have to share them with anyone if you don't want to. UNLESS you have a blog and are too honest for your own good. then all your thoughts are public knowledge and you're fucked. 

i love you. be nice to the one you love. they're on your side. not if they beat you though. then they are not on your side. xo


Cellular Coma said...

My boyfriend told me the other day that there are three types of love. He wasn't just being cute (although he WAS), it was something he read based on facts based on research. There is obsessive love which is the most unhealthy, passionate love that is usually shortlived but worthwhile, and romantic love that almost always lasts the longest and is what he was saying we have. We've been together 4 years. The highs of the first weeks-- or was it months?--dont last forever. The change is gradual. But it doesn't have to be a bad thing. I trust him more now while relying on him to make me happy less. As a result the pressure is gone from our relationship. It also helps that our physical attraction to eachother is as strong as ever because COUPLES NEED TO FUCK. That is so important. Girls need to remind themselves, especially in a long term relationship, that they approve of their dude. One of the ways we do that is by seducing them. It keeps everyone happy!

one time said...

I love your blog but man it would suck to be your boyfriend.

Bell said...

This is tricky, coz it's hard to work out whether there's something wrong with getting itchy feet in a stable relationship, or if that's fine and human people are different; while some flourish with stability some flourish with passion and drama!

Some of my friends live for relationships that are constantly exciting and dramatic, even it it meant constant arguments, coz that also means constant passion.

I'll happily let people class my relationships as stable to the point of boring, I've always had boyfs who I was ridiculously close to and who I felt were 'on my side' in life yknow? I lost most of my family at a young age (poor me etc etc) and so I'll always crave stability and with it I will function to my full potential, I sometimes wish to be the crazy exciting passionate girl with a similar relationship, but if I was liek that I would hate it. It's not wishing for different circumstances but wishing to be someone else who had lived a different life and naturally got to that point.

I just think don't compare yourself to other people too much, everyone's relationship style is culminated from their own experinces and emotional needs, and you should know yourself well enough to understand what makes you happy.

robotofmystery said...

Hmm, where to begin. Maybe I shall do this in parts like a serial. (Mmm. Cereal.).

First of all, let me tie this into the previous video. The comment about whether someone can be your "everything" is the wrong way to look at it. It's not healthy to only interact with one person and derive all your sense of self and value from that person. So in that respect - no. However, this is different from finding someone who satisfies "everything" you are looking for. That is important.

One of the things that makes people question monogamy and stray is that they settle.

Before you can decide whether you're settling, you have to have a personal and healthy set of priorities. If someone has an unhealthy view of relationships, these priorities get skewed. You were (pro'ly) joking about being hit, but that's why people get into that type of relationship and stay in it. They think, "Wow, if I could get him *so* mad that he hit me, he must *really* love me because he said he's never been violent before." They read this (somewhat accurately) as passion. Just the wrong kind.

This is an extreme example, but it's real. And it still counts if your boyfriend is an indie rocker and you barely noticed his limp handed slap - just because he doesn't have Chris Brown's right hook doesn't mean it's not the same offense.

As for the boyfriend / blog comment - I think that's a fundamental issue and different for everyone. Personally, I would way rather know what existential wanderings are going on in my girlfriend's mind. Would you rather not know who she is and what makes her tick? When your girlfriend just picks up one day and leaves - would you prefer there were no warning signs? Or maybe I just have enough of my own problems that I wouldn't want to be the only one engaging in metaphysical navel gazing.

Cellular Coma hit upon it though with her eloquent statement of "Couples need to fuck." This is often overlooked - silly but true. If there isn't real physical chemistry (different from short term "hey, let's fuck" lust), then you are asking for problems down the line. Physical chemistry should improve over time with the right person, where impulsive lust usually loses its luster (hmm, is that the derivation of the word luster??).

As for age, I've met girls in their twenties that were ready to settle down, and girls in their forties who weren't. It's a place in life more than an age - and it's also who you meet. I think you should never be ready to settle down until you meet someone that makes you want to. Simple. Rinse and repeat.

Enough commenting on ranting for now. More later.

danyeldyan said...

from a 20 year old girls perspective, I agree with you.

but then again, i'm only 2o and still have alot to experience.

cant even drink legally, so what do i know?

your blog is great. (:

Jemibook said...

I know it's not for everyone, and most people have pretty biased views on the subject, and that mostly '40's and up' people partake in this sort of a relationship. But if I would have found out about the dynamics of open/poly relationships sooner on, I would have saved myself a lot of tears/drama/money/relationships/etc.
There are a lot of good [new] books coming out lately on the subject and I believe it could save a lot of relationships if people just choose to work with each other and communicate their needs, instead of working for only themselves and cheating [messing around with other people w/out other persons respect/consent, what have you] to get their needs met.

Just a thought to put out there.

Suzie said...

I'm 23 and never had a boyfriend. So many points of discussion about relationships, they make me feel even less capable of being a girlfriend the older i get.I don't know anything about this shit!!
But from the view of a desperate girl with the love-experience of a 14-year-old (but sexually pretty advanced), I'm often terrified when I see two people sitting next to each other in a cafe for hours, not talking A WORD at all. If this is what a serious long-term relationship is about, it's rubbish. I guess you must be pretty boring to make a relationship last for decades.

Courtney and Basil said...

I believe that relationships can last. First of all to judge a relationship that you see from the outside, like for instance a couple sitting at a cafe not talking, is very bad to do. You don't know what they are going through, what is happening or what they are thinking about. Relationships are so complicated and exhausting but they are so worth it. The butterflies wear off and the excitement of something new fades away but you grow together and find one day you wake up after 15, 20, 50 years and you are waking up next to your very very best friend. No one in this world could know you better, relate to you more or understand and know what you are going through even before you do. This is what it is about. That is where the true butterflies lay, where the true romance is. When you find that person that still loves, trust, respects you after all these years. They have seen you in your ups and downs and don't judge you. You fight, you argue, you have differences but you learn to work through them and find a whole new perspective is waiting for you. You find that the beginning stuff is fun for sure but its the deep personal ties that you make with this person is what its all about.

Anonymous said...

Fuck. I could read this one post, and all of the comments every day of my life. THIS is exactly the fucking advice i've been searching for... for years. FUCK. So fantastic. Thank you thank you thank you.

Betherevolution said...

I desperately want to experience the passionate type of love but I always feel hindered by the person I'm with you know? I guess I haven't found the right person yet, but I'm absolutely miserable without the passion. After experiencing the crazy high of being absolutely attracted to another person it's hard to settle for anything else.

nicole said...

hello, okay, so i'm 18 and i have a bf. and we really love eachother!! i know 'we are so young'. but if you found something really good should you just push them to the side or pass them up because i have 'so much to experience'? I think we have the most awesomest relationship ever. we are like best friends and we do work things out and we can get under each others skin the worst but in the end we really do love each other. but there is another thing. we are eachothers first love.. but does that mean our relationship will inevitably fail?? i DO NOT like to think this but doesn't society tell us this is true??? i get really sad when i think about this because i know i am young but this just feels sooo right.. he is everything i need and i am sooo attracted to him. we've been dating for 5 months and going strong.. i love him and i want to be with him. i know who ever reads this is probably rolling there eyes when i talk about 'love' but i think when you know you know. that's all and i hope everyone finds love like how i've found because i think everyone deserves to be loved :)

boycrazy said...

i'm so lucky to have such amazing readers. you're all making me believe in monogamy and love in a way i never have. and in a way that i forgot i used to. thank you. all my love, alexi

Courtney and Basil said...

Hey so I found this topic so interesting that I came back to read other comments. I wanted to comment on Nicole's comment/question. Society does tell us that you have time, don't rush into things. But the bottom line is when you find it you don't want to loose it. here's the thing though, due to so many other things that society tells us, at a young age we are not nearly as mature as our grandparent were at our age. We still have a lot of growing up to do. Don't let anyone tell you that just because you are young you don't know what you want. Give the relationship time though. 5 months is not very long at all, the typical testing stage ends at about 2 1/2 years. Thats when most people say the rosey glasses come off. I love your enthusiasm about it all, its great. So I tell you this, Don't take love lightly it is a big deal and very dangerous. But also remember that love can last even if it is your first love. Its a matter of not giving up, of putting the other person's needs before yours and also learning that if they give up and are over it you need to learn to let go. If you let go and it returns to you then it is yours otherwise it was never meant to be.

Anonymous said...

ummm, like....when did robotofmystery start thinking it was his blog? you better put your foot down grrrlll

Nicole said...

thank you for your advice.. i take it to heart. 5 months haven't seem long at all so i'm excited to see what's to come :D

p.s. i just wanted to say how much i love this blog and alexi wasser is AMAZING!

LCWG said...

hmm, is that the derivation of the word luster???Alas, no - 'lust' has Germanic roots, whereas 'lustre' comes from the Latin word for - er - 'lustre'. Interesting theory, though...


Lurking Compulsive Word-geek (Who can't believe she just added the above comment to an otherwise fascinating discussion, but compulsions are hard to fight... just think of it as sexual attraction and it's not so off-topic anymore. Yes. Word-geekery is sex, as far as I'm concerned.)

(Suddenly, I feel very sad.)

Anonymous said...

i fucking love your blog.

emma said...

I think it's different for everyone. I know that I'm addicted to that stage where you're chasing boys.. it's like it's not what you get out after your put effort into a boy but the actual efforts that are fun rewarding.. i don't know.
but for other people, they find someone that they actually truly love and couldn't stand ever being apart from them. and this love apparently lasts until they're like 80. maybe you should interview some old people. it might not be trendy/interesting but at least you'll get the answers you want

& i love your blog too xo

Anonymous said...

I think, for me at least, if you start wanting to kiss other people and you can't stick around after the euphoria wears off it never really was love anyway. Love is when the guy is your best friend: the person you most want to tell anything to, the person you can hang out with without having to talk, the person who pretty much knows how you feel a lot of the time by osmosis and responds in the best possible way because you have this awesome bond that makes it so. There are ups and downs and sometimes you even think you hate each other but you always get through it and that's how you know how much you really love each other. Oh, and yes: you feel really safe -even if you never before thought that you were feeling dangerous.

Anonymous said...

Nothing is better than having a significant other who is your best friend...if it's deep you'll know. Great relationships always supersede everything else, even wanting to make out with other dudes. I hope you find someone so great you wouldn't want to be with anyone else.

Riff Dog said...

I agree with most of what you're saying here. Of course, once children and responsibilities enter the equation, then "moving on" is a little more problematic. Hence, the reason so many people choose the path I've chosen. ;-)

Ms. Kitty said...

Read your blog....blew me away. Although I am 37 (people say i still look as good as my 20's) and have been married 2 times....your questions really moved me. I want to start by saying...(ahem...clearing throat) I am a very loyal and patient person and believe in the ACTUAL marriage vows.."rich or pore, good and bad" etc.... which is what connects me with the man I "love". Your so right, we do move from the clouds and reality, kids, every day my father once told me (and we are by no means close, I will just never forget him saying this one thing to me) "You know you really love someone when you go through sooooo much together, child birth, issues, life and you are STILL together and you can still look that woman in the eyes and KNOW in your hear that you truly can't live whithout her......(40 years later) that is love...true love"

So, I guess the real question is....can a person, woman/man/lover/bf/gf, with stand through alllll the rough times ahead, the stormy weather? Can a relationship truly grow and grow and get better and two people just NOT give up on one another? Truly stick it out? THERE WILL BE ROUGH times....THERE WILL BE Times when you want to give up....many times....but what about the vows??? Do they mean anything anymore? What about respect for those simple words?

Even I can't I struggle....I can only experience and enjoy and be optimistic....know there is always always going to be someone else...wanting you...tempting be beter then what have, to love you be allll that you think you want as you grow older and wiser (Your choices willll CHANGE and mature) You will always want to feel "Connected" to someone spiritually, emotionally, phycically. THat is the Circle of life...Can a person do...