Monday, December 29, 2008

the blind leading the blind PART 4:

31. drink earl grey tea. it's fancy and good.
32. make oranges your new best friend. they smell good and taste just as good as they smell. like supermodels! yes, i know i shouldn't advocate eating, but sometimes you have to! and these take a while to peel! so, in the time you could have eaten two snickers bars, you're still in the midst of enjoying your new bff...the orange! pow!
33. don't eat carbs.
34. everything has carbs.
35. if you hate his sheets, and you happen to have your period, just bleed on them. this may sound embarrassing, but it's a small price to pay for getting what you want.
36. you are a woman. you are always in control.
37. try not to spend EVERY night at his house! i know you're all excited and happy, but don't forget you have your own life to maintain! plus, this will make him respect and desire you even more! no joke!
38. don't eat as much as the boy you're dating. you will only gain weight! guys are a mysterious being that can eat whatever they like and never gain weight. at least the boys we are attracted to. you're not trying to date the bitter clerk at the dmv who has a gut and dreams about raping you.
39. I'm really sorry if your dad/uncle has a gut,works as a clerk at the dmv, or dreams of/or is currently raping you. seriously, i had no idea. I'm not looking to offend anyone here.
40. you're not allowed to buy art at ikea! it is not a quick fix. ikea doesn't sell art anyway! they sell mass produced posters. be careful. (this coming from the girl who shops at forever 21 and target. shut your mouth!) xoxo


Anonymous said...

Alexi! You are too fucking funny! heheh "just bleed on them".. Happy Holidays missus x

David Lowery said...

I read this and then ate an orange. I'm such a girl.

What happens if the guy you are dating is too lazy to replace bloodied sheets?

boycrazy said...

i thought about this! it either means he's gross and lazy....OR the girls gross/lazy/AND SLOPPY and she has to take responsibility for the mess she made and buy him new sheets! which sux because her plan totally failed. in a perfect world, he should offer! wait, i figured it out! he should feel BAD for the girl since this was the first time it ever happened and he should offer to pay in an attempt to make her feel better. then, she should tag along when he goes to buy them. but a gentleman pays! if she fucks up and bleeds a second time BY ACCIDENT on the awesome sheets she just picked out and scammed- THEN it's on her! and she'll be ok with it. cuz the 2nd time, it was a REAL accident.

e s t h e r said...

I am laughing OUTLOUD!!!!
I love you!
Maybe I can film you writing your blog or talking to your viewers please???? I have a camera.