Tuesday, December 16, 2008

m cafe and what it means to me:

Eating food is not a crime! it just puts you at a serious disadvantage! so, if you must eat, i suggest m cafe! it's awesome! it's vegan, it's macrobiotic. only sexy people eat there, and it's my home away from home! need i say more? hang out with David. not only does he work there, but he's also my gay Latino boyfriend. he'll teach you how to speak like a gay man! for example: 'WORK. IT. OUT!' that's a phrase i learned how to say and pronounce from David himself. young, heterosexual, white, women speaking like gay men is ADORABLE! trust me, i know. people only smile when i act like David in public. with me, or at me...i DON'T GIVE A FUCK! i make bitches laugh! are you listening?! try phrases like: 'excuuuuse me!' or 'thank youuuuuuuu!' elongate any sounds you can! add 'bitch' to the end of a sentence and then pretend to throw your non existant long hair over your shoulder, like Cher! another habit to get into: when people say something to you, a simple statement such as "i read your zine." or "i saw you on tv." reply with a snazzy "you're welcome." it's an ironic way of being the asshole you wanna be, but are pretending not to be. and you know what? it feels great! there's an entire speech in art school confidential about how people long for the opportunity to be the asshole they're hiding on the inside! rent it. back to my rant: meet me at m. I'll give you a demo and life coaching at the community table! I'm good at it, i swear. now if i could only follow my own advice. we'll share a vegan dessert! those are the only desserts allowed on the program! and even though sharing TOTALLY sucks (I'm an only child-i hate sharing more than ANYONE) just do it! it will make you less fat! did i mention i love you, cuz i do beyaaatch! 'girfriennnnnd', 'heeeeey girl, heyyyyyyyyyy!' (all phrases i learned from David). In person, i can show you hand gestures and the Cher/mimed hair flips! later dude! xoxo

No comments: