Friday, December 5, 2008

PART 1: advice from me to you. AKA: the blind leading the blind:

1. always carry breath spray and baby wipes. Just in case anyone wants to kiss you or go down on you.
-Remember women! We don't do anything gross! I'm not going into specifics. Let's leave it at that.
2. every time you have sex or mess around with a dude, you should go to your gyno and get tested for everything! That way if you get anything (even though some things show up later/and are latent) you have a better idea of who gave you what! Hopefully you won't get a thing! But, just in case!
3. don't have anal sex! guys might get the impression that you're gross! tell them you had that hole sewed up years ago and you threw away the key! why would we need a hole like that? we don't do gross stuff.
4. things a man should do:
a. hold the door for you.
b. offer to pay! AND he should ALWAYS pay if he's the one who asked you on the date and invited you out in the first place. ladies, i strongly feel-and i have experienced a lot to know that the advice I'm giving you is true-that the man should for always pay. BUT, if he cant, you should SPLIT it. when a woman pays for the entire date or rent or whatever, whether he knows it or not, it's emasculating. men, don't be mad, I'm totally advocating an even split of the bill. i just feel like if one person is gonna pay it should always be the man. i don't give a fuck if it's 2008. you guys are eventually gonna ask us for anal sex, accidentally impregnate us-forcing us to either get the morning after pill, have an abortion, have a miscarriage, or be the mother of your child-so can't you just hold the goddamn door and pay for my food at baja fresh before we fuck? Jesus! who raised you? it feels just as good and sexy to be a real man, a real gentleman, as it does to be treated like a lady. let's give a nod to our forefathers and play our parts!
c. the man should get tested for HIV, chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes, genital warts, hpv...EVERYTHING! doesn't it feel like its always us girls getting the testing done? it's easy to do, so make him get tested. use sex and stuff as his incentive. pout and look cute. get it done!
5. you CAN get preggers on your period!
6. never have unprotected sex! (everybody does, we just all lie about it! behind closed doors everyone's using the pull out method! don't lie bitches, I'm watching you-plus, i do it too. whoopsies!)
7. even when it's protected, you should always make sure he pulls out before he cums.
8. no matter what he says-cum and/or his pee is not good for clearing up zits! what a scumbag!
9. again: the hole is sewn up and cannot be unsewn!
10. patchouli is never ok!


c brown said...

That shit was fucking hilarious. My man makes me split the bill at SWINGERS for fuck's sake and has the audacity to beg me to let him stick it in the bum. NO WAY, NO HOW. You gotta take to at least Olive Garden for me to consider it...

Anonymous said...

are you serious about the bum? DO you allow fingers at least? I hope so for your sake. You're missing out.
-mathew adam ward