if all else fails:

you know those parts of town you pass through on the way to somewhere else? when you look out the window and say 'Jesus Christ! who lives here'? well, maybe one day, YOU will. 

if all else fails and your life starts to derail; your dreams are shattered; love life is on the rocks- you can ALWAYS pack up and run away to some tucked away no mans land like reseda or something! 

get a job at Starbucks (they have a health plan!) and start fucking all the dude employees you work with! start having an affair with the 18 year old boy who lives in the apartment next door and teach him what it means to be a man who can provide a woman with something that will ACTUALLY makes her HAPPY: A BACK RUN AND AN ORGASM! i DON'T recommend doing this 'till you're like 40 or something. but, it's important to be aware of ALL your life's options. 

when you get fired from Starbucks and are running from the cops because the neighbor boy, you've now been informed you were molesting, is ACTUALLY 16- you can buy a bus ticket to Lancaster or watsonville or something. start selling fruit on a corner and only wear light denim, jean short, cut offs. on the weekends, swim in a lake, drink beer or mike's hard lemonade and fuck the complete ANTITHESIS of your former 16 year old lover: Enrique, the Latino heart throb of the area, who promises to teach you Spanish while he makes love to you.... but never gets past "you're pussy is so wet". oh well. 

I won't resort to any of this unless I end up miserable and in turmoil cuz my life is in ruins. But until then, I'm good. No need to go there. Just a passing thought that runs through my mind whenever I end up in the valley- usually only when I'm SUPER DEEP in the valley, on ventura blvd in like woodland hills or something. xoxo

if only:

if only someone could promise us that all our craziest dreams and desires would come true; that everything would work out in the end.... and that we could rest assured that it will all be OK. but they can't. who knows what will happen between now and the time you die? that's the thing that some people actually LIKE about life. it's a constant surprise. a gamble. but that's also what others can HATE about it! 

it's why some people take their own lives. they reach their breaking point. they hit their limit of 'not knowing' and they give up. they feel hopeless; think life is too hard to go on living because they're unhappy, unfulfilled, and can't continue living with the possibility that they may NEVER be happy- that their dreams may NEVER come true. and in the blink of an eye, they are gone forever. having died at their own hand. there is NO need for this to happen. but it does and it's tragic. so, it's important to look at the thought process that could cause this dark hole of hopelessness, and avoid it at all costs. 

we live in a world where phrases like 'you never know', 'just when i least expected...' , and 'who knows?' run wild. and they're true! you never know what's coming for you around the corner... good OR bad. just as quickly as you could contract herpes, you could win the lotto. and all you can do in the interim is live your life, be nice to your friends & family, try not to be such an asshole, maybe make people laugh if you don't mind, have a laugh yourself, and work towards making your dream become realized. letting it be bigger than just a thought inside your head. 

but before you can do this, you have to KNOW what it is you WANT. do you know? when you figure it out through thinking/writing in an unlined journal... brainstorming like a kuh-razy person, that's ONLY the beginning. every day, do at least ONE thing towards achieving your dream/goal. even if it's as simple as 'i wanna be a chef' and going to the supermarket to grocery shop or signing up for a cooking class (and hopefully actually going). 

all of this will help towards moving your life in an inspired, focused direction. giving you things to daydream about and aspire to having/being! but if you feel trapped in a moody, super sad hole of despair...... do ANYTHING you can to perk yourself up! NO, NOT drugs- smoking- or binge eating (and by binge eating, i mean BINGE EATING: like eating an entire pizza in one sitting by yourself. or emptying the contents of your entire fridge into your stomach)!

INSTEAD, how about seeing a movie by yourself; getting a small popcorn and peanut m&m's or red vines? have a vanilla soy OR nonfat milk latte (your call)! i mean, if you were ALREADY planning on killing yourself ANYWAY, why would you feel guilty about having a treat?! it's like looking at life from a whole new perspective! try reading the tabloids for free at the supermarket, going on a walk.... anything! even a bubble bath and calling a friend/seeking help from a profesh could change everything. you can even e-mail me. you see, getting so emotionally low can actually give you a whole new lease on life! if nothing matters, than you can be brave, and fearless, and choose to LIVE and not let others affect you! 

so, just cheer up. after all, the beautiful thing about life is, even if you're not feeling your best right now....there just might be a happy surprise lurking just around the bend. i love you! xoxo

the blind leading the blind PART 9:

1. live every day eating like you're about to be photographed naked by Ryan McGinley the next day.

2. don't be an idiot. save your money!!! open a savings account! put half of what you make in your checking and the other half in your savings. you'll thank me later! think ahead! the younger you are, the more thankful you'll be later!

3. it's bad manners to drink out of a glass/cup/mug with a spoon in it.

4. wood does not absorb electricity. Unless we're talking about a dudes wooden dick and the electricity of a woman's vagina. in this case, wood will totally absorb electricity!

5. metal absorbs heat. If you leave your spoon in your tea/coffee/soup, it'll get cooler.

6. Stop smoking! It'll make you REAL UGLY, REAL FAST. I'd almost rather you develop a sex addiction instead (with condoms of course). It would be less harmful to your health. I don't care if it's your nervous outlet, if you're addicted! Go to cvs, Duane Reade, target, your local pharmacy and get the patch! Then go to whole foods and buy two packs of flavored tooth picks. One cinnamon and one tea tree. Good luck. Haggy, wrinkled, smokers won't be allowed to read this blog any more. So get it the fuck together! there's no excuse to smoke anymore!

7. i know i probably shouldn't say this but i feel compelled to; you should start loving your body if you don't already. even if it's all gross and you're out of shape. EVEN if you're a binge eating maniac with so many flaps of fat you can't properly clean all the crevices and as a result you tend to smell sour and can't figure out why. i say you should like your body because it's the only body you're ever gonna have and it's yours! my mom used to tell me 'how's your body ever gonna change for you if you keep telling it that you hate it?' so be nice to your body. that includes taking care of it with what you put inside it, (food, liquid and boys privates includes, how you wash it, how you move it, etc.

8. you're ONLY allowed to have popcorn and peanut m&ms at the cinema if you're IN the movie that you're seeing. no exceptions. if you end up getting cut out of the film and you've already finished the treats and feel SUPER EXTRA guilty cuz your cause for celebration is now non existent- you better walk that shizz off fatty!

9. a SECOND on the lips, a LIFETIME on the hips. 

10. don't go in the ocean when you have your period. a shark will totally eat you. i live by this rule. be careful this summer. 

first love - part 4:

Felix and i went out for eight months. or did i just say eight, when it was REALLY only six, to make it sound more important than it was?I'll never know. sometimes i can lie to myself better than anyone could ever lie to me. cuz I'll believe it. 

under his influence, i tried drugs for the first time. THAT did NOT help what had ultimately began as a dream romance. I'm moody/crazy/and self conscious enough without the help of illegal substances. NOWADAYS, there's no way you'd even catch me smoking a cigarette! 

but ULTIMATELY, Felix and i could have never been together forever. i was too young. he was too young. we weren't a perfect fit in general, because we just weren't. but even if we WERE, there's no way we could have been at THAT point in our lives- because i don't think our brains were fully developed YET. mine probably still isn't. jk jk! or am i jk'ing?! life experience was lacking for both of us. 

i was fifteen by the time it ended, and though i have the small tendency to be a bit needy now - at FIFTEEN i was at the BEGINNING stage of my ride with full throttle neediness. i pushed Felix away. one night i suggested we break up, in the hope he would beg for me to take him back, shower me with love and desperation! but this was not the case. instead he just said 'ok'. 

i walked from his car onto my porch. i sat down on the bench outside and watched him, just sitting there in his car. we were both sad. it had mattered to him. he had loves me too. but it was too hard. and the joy was gone. that night was the equivalent of experiencing a death. 

i can still conjure the mental image of Felix looking at me from his car, and it can STILL make me cry if i let it. he'll always be the boy who taught me what love is supposed to feel like. and he'll forever be the boy who took my virginity... or more like the boy i happily gave it away to. xo

first love - part 3:

He was sarcastic and witty and I believed in him. He even wore nail-polish! He didn't care what anyone thought. And he was super cute. He was an American boy, but he looked like he was English Mick Jagger lips and a haircut like the Beatles. I think he had a beauty mark too. 

it went from me being completely intimidated by him, to the most intense first love i could ever imagine anyone having. hmmm. now that i think about it, I'm pretty sure i maintained my feelings of intimidation all through the relationship. fuck! oh well, hindsight is 20/20. live and learn. but he was too cool not to be intimidating! i'd rather that than some wimpy lame-o.

no one had ever made me laugh like he did. Maybe someone had- but they weren't a boy OR they WERE, but weren't as cute? either way, that's when i realized what it meant for me to be in love: HE MAKES YOU LAUGH SO HARD YOU HURT, HE'S YOUR BEST FRIEND AND YOU WANNA HAVE SEX WITH HIM! Felix made me figure out what my version of love is too?! wowzers! this guy was on fire! no wonder this blog post is so long. what power he had over me!

I think the person you call your boyfriend/the person you have on your arm, is a reflection of you. And he made me sooo proud that we were reflecting eachother. Yes, it was less complicated cuz I was 15. But in a way, it may have been more complicated emotionally. These were all new feelings. Everything was exciting. 

Now, in my 20's, not only do i have to worry about getting my heart broken or breaking people's hearts- I have to worry about paying my bills too!!! I like drama in relationships and I'm trying not to, because this only makes things harder for everyone involved- especially me. And WAY more complicated than necessary. I'm trying to learn that an uncomplicated relationship IS NOT a boring relationship. And that's one of the reasons I'm in therapy. But, yes, I think I always look at my first love as a barometer to gauge if I've found love. 

The dude I love HAS to make me laugh, be gorgeous, inspire me and have that secret ingredient that gives him an effortless cool. like he could be anywhere and people would want to listen to him, stand near him. The weird trick that's hard to find is this: I need him to chase me a bit, but not let me walk all over him. Cuz if he doesn't chase me and there are NO games at all- I'll get bored and frustrated and walk away. 

Love and looking for love and waking up in the morning excited about a boy or girl is universal. It's what songs and movies are written about. And the dynamics between men and women fascinate me. (to be continued....one last time!)

first love - part 2:

all this was happening during that time in life when you don't know if you're gonna be a jock, a cheerleader, a raver or an indie kid. I chose the latter (although i leaned more towards mod, if you MUST know). And I think I did this because of indie dudes like Felix! they were the ones I was attracted to. by just existing, Felix alerted me to what i was instinctually attracted to. 

Sometimes what shapes a woman into the woman she learns to become, are the men she chooses to surround herself with. Or the dudes that choose her. the time you spend with the person you call your bf or gf or whatevs, is some of the most intimate time you experience. this is very influential in peoples lives. men AND women. deep conversations/thoughts exchanged with a person who makes your heart race and causes a rush of endorphins and dopamine is a BIG deal! this type of relationship allows for much more (or at least a different kind of) intimacy than you'd experience with your big sis or aunt. 

personally, I liked the boys who liked the pixies, unwound, built to spill, fugazi, the make up and modest mouse. This doesn't mean I liked EVERYTHING they liked - but when I was super young I went along with what the boys thought was cool. i was a sponge. listening to conversations about records and making the knowledge they spewed my own. But as I grew up and became my own person, I learned to differentiate between what I liked, didn't like, and what i had fooled myself into liking. 

As a young person finding yourself, you use all the tools around you to define who you are and develop a sense of self. friends, books, movies, music, TV, clothes, etc. I am an only child who grew up in a turbulent home with a dad who didn't say I love you enough. Boo hoo me. WAHHHH! but, LUCKILY, I had lots of guy friends (who i MOST LIKELY sought out as male figures to give me attention affection and approval) who treated me like a sister. 

they drove me to shows when I was too young to drive. They picked me up after school, we got french fries and talked shit! they included me, stood up for me. i felt like i was special, chosen, belonged, had a family and a secret society. i was untouchable. 

one of these guys in this gang of big bros was Felix. who was only now in my life, after randomly running into him a year after i found out he even existed! and while spending time with him, during group hang out sessions....i fell in love with him. and the best part was...he 'like-liked' (youthful slang for love) me back! i couldn't believe it. (to be continued) 

first love:

He was gorgeous. He was older than me. 18 to my 15. the coolest boy i had ever met. A drummer of a band. i guess I've always had a thing for drummers. I've put up with tapping from boys for so long, and now when they do it, it just annoys me, instead of fascinate or turn me on.

he had been in and around my life for a while without me knowing it. in 9th grade the coolest of the 11th grade girls let me and my friend Alana tag along with them (at their mercy) to a rave in downtown la. we all got ready together, lied to our parents about where we would be, what we would be doing.

before going to the rave, we had to stop at some coffee house on ventura Blvd. i can't remember why (map point?- no) or what it was called. the alligator lounge? no. blue iguanas? no. just, SOME coffee house. we were waiting for kelly's (prettiest of the cooler older girls- at least in my opinion) boyfriend to show up. 

he was older than her and she was crazy over him- but all i could think was 'who is this mystery dude? he's running super late and ruining the party!' but because i was frozen, in fear of not being cool, and planning EVERY word i uttered around the older cooler kids....i picked and planned what came out of my mouth minutes before i said anything! and regarding kelly's late bf, i kept my fucking mouth shut and smoked. (at this point in my life, i think i had yet to learn abut inhaling.) 

i smoked Marlborough menthol light 100's. LAME! homeless people wouldn't even take my cigarettes. it was many raves/shows/nights later- up all hours at Twain's/canters/nova express (all ages coffee shops and late night spots)- that i was FINALLY taught to inhale. why didn't anyone tell me? how embarrassing! but, geeze, NOT inhaling totally didn't hurt like INHALING. i guess you have to pick your battles. cool won over common sense, getting in trouble with grown ups, and cancer EVERY TIME!

back to the story, Kelly's dude FINALLY showed up! his name was Felix. i barely looked at him. i was too shy and didn't want to reveal to much about myself by staring. he wore high water Dickie's, etnies, had full hair, not long, just full like a member of the Beatles. had a back pack written on with white out. I'm sure a hackey sack lurked somewhere inside. but that was really none of my business. he seemed angry and serious. for the first time ever, i saw the older girls i thought were the coolest- revert to being just as big a dork as i acted when i was around THEM! 

a year and a half later, i was walking from my moms house in north Hollywood to a coffee shop on lankershim blvd.(hey, when you're 14, it's all you can do!) and who was walking out of an early evening band practice sesh?.....Felix! i couldn't breathe! it was a sign! he was it!!!! he and kelly had long since broken up. it was a whole new era.... and i was about to be 15! the possibilities were endless!(to be continued)

always something:

a couple of months ago, i was seeing a boy. these are thoughts i wrote down during that relationship experience: 

"what is my problem? I've found a guy who says he loves me and I stayed with him. He consistently calls me, is ok with me coming over to his house on a regular basis. But he's so cool and calm and collected. He can get mad, but he never explodes. Maybe he implodes, but I'd never be able to tell. 

Sometimes I feel alone when I'm next to him. His dry sense of humor and how much he loves himself is pretty entertaining most of the time. But I always feel like I'm left with nothing when I get off the phone with him, or leave his house.

My problem is; I feel as though he would be completely unaffected if we were to never speak again. As if he doesn't cry, or get truly sad about ANYTHING. As if he could take me or leave me. And that does not make me feel good. That does not sit well in me. 

I know LOGICALLY that he loves me (as much as he is CAPABLE of loving someone- which is supposed to make me feel better?), that we are as he says 'on the same team', but there is a disconnect. 

I am not logical like he is. I scream and I cry and I have tantrums and all I want him to do is put his arms around me and show that he's passionate about me! He's so cavalier it hurts me and makes me ache. He doesn't have the need to kiss me and hug me like I need to kiss him and hug him. Kissing him and holding him are like medicine for me. But lately I don't want to bother him for my doses. I wonder if he'll remember on his own. If he needs my love as much as I need his. But he doesn't. 

And then there are the days where he trys. when he's tuned in, 'on', and shows that he loves me- by the way he looks at me, cuddles me and tickles me. ALL the things he does for me/with me. And I KNOW. 

but just as soon as he's got me under his spell, he's off in his own world again. Love is hard."

since that experience, i've changed. i don't feel sad, empty or confused anymore..... 

because i'm dating someone new now. i'll let you know how it goes. xoxox

ps: here's something neat I'm gonna be a part of this Sunday (May 31,09) at space 1520 (1520 N. Cahuenga Blvd. LA CA 90028)from 11am-4pm........

FREE SHIT IS RAD!!!!

the blind leading the blind PART 8:

1. if the one person you DON'T wanna have sex with is your boyfriend, there's a problem. 

2. if you're put on hold for longer than 9 seconds, hang up/press end.

3. men put work first. Women put men first. Don't do it for a man, do it for yourself. let's change the way we think.

4. NEVER, i repeat NEVER wear flap pocket pants. you are not a joke! don't dress like one.

5. if you pick at an ingrown hair on your bikini line, people will TOTALLY think you have herpes. i'm just saying.

6. never pay for a man. let him pay for you. if you MUST, split the check. but only if you really love him.

7. everything is better when you're eating with chopsticks. Remember that scene in the breakfast club, when everyone stares at molly ringwald cuz she's eating sushi for lunch? Fancy beauties need sticks to hold their food and direct it into their mouth. Duh! Get with the program and join the club! fyi, you can't eat a pizza with chopsticks.

8. stop TALKING about what you're GONNA do and just DO it. nobody will believe you anyway until it's done and you've actually accomplished something.

9. get rid of what you don't need. Leggings with stains?! are you kidding me? you're what? Saving them for a rainy day when you have food poisoning or your period or something? NO! I don't give a fuck! Get the fuck rid of them/it! It's a representation of you. An extension of you. Like your bf, your apt, your job, your clothes, your friends! Do you save your fucking stained panties too? Reserving them for when you're bleeding and/or aren't gonna be around a dude you're trying to impress? Well that's nasty! Don't accidentally fall into the trap of being a fowl dirty bitch! Even in the privacy of your own home- it isn't ok! you're doing it for you, not him! Be a fancy princess alone too! even just for yourself! Just for you, not for him! I love you!

10. it's super important that when looking for a new apartment to rent/move into- you feel SAFE! i can't stress enough the importance of feeling safe. not only in your apt, but where you hang out, with your dude, with your friends, etc.

a rant on monogamy:

so, I've been thinking a lot about monogamy lately. Is mid to late twenties still too young to fall in love & say you're gonna spend the rest of your life with someone? would it be better to meet someone when you're in your early to mid thirties? 

but women freak out about this! they think that if they meet someone when they're 34/35, they'll have to rush into having a baby out of fear their bio clock is tick tick ticking! but is it? should women still fear this? it seems like women are having babies later & later nowadays. I'm not saying try when you're 50, but waiting till you're 38 to procreate doesn't seem so scary anymore. 

i also hear it's common for women to have a miscarriage the first time they get preggers. but i am in no way an authority on any of this. i am not in my thirties, i have never been pregs, i have never had a miscarriage or an abortion, and i am not trying to make a baby any time soon. all real questions on this subject should be taken up with one or more gynecologists- to ask them for their expert opinions on all these topics. 

as for relationships, isn't it better to have a passionate relationship and if/when the passion runs out- leave and hopefully walk away with having learned something? what do you think? I'm interested in getting my readers opinions. all eight of you!

when things get lackluster or you begin to feel either too comfortable or perhaps a bit taken for granted, shouldn't you leave? is it possible to keep the excitement and passion in the beginning/the enchantment forever? I need to interview some older men/women and see what they have to say. on one hand, it would be nice to be crazy high euphoric in love forever. but on the other hand, i don't think you'd get anything in your work life accomplished! 

euphoria tends to dwindle. the urge to kiss strangers pops up again. it doesn't necessarily mean you're not in LOVE with the bf anymore, it might just mean you're in the dulldrums/disenchanted and have fallen from the clouds. Reality has set in and it feels like shit, compared to the start of the relationship. but chasing that feeling isn't real though. It's another addiction: just like people can be addicted to food, drugs, sex. it's a love addiction. an addiction to high highs and low lows. 

is it OK to accept that the truth may be this: that a stable, mellow, even keel relationship is healthy and the way to be? that it's ok for real life to set in and for you to realize that you can't put ALL your attention on your significant other 24/7. you have to have a LIFE of your own. and it's ok if he has a life of HIS own. that relationships go in flows. they have ups and downs. it can't be ALL drama and passion ALL the time. sometimes it's just a steady paced thing, which can feel very boring to someone whose idea of a normal relationship is kuh-razy highs and lows with screaming and crying; or trying to make the other person jealous in order to feel attractive and desired; fucking in public; shutting the rest of the world out of their love bubble. 

All I know is that i would hate for any bf of mine to be thinking these thoughts! but i guess that's why the saying 'what someone else is thinking is none of your business' exists. and THANK GOD your thoughts are inside your head and you don't have to share them with anyone if you don't want to. UNLESS you have a blog and are too honest for your own good. then all your thoughts are public knowledge and you're fucked. 

i love you. be nice to the one you love. they're on your side. not if they beat you though. then they are not on your side. xo

chatting with PATRICK:

this is Patrick! we've known eachother for about ten years! he's gorgeous and smart; has great taste in music; we share a love of Belle and Sebastian AND the same birthday (February 11th)!

in this epic vid: Patrick and i talk about love, monogamy, and finding everything you want in just one person! personally, i walked away feeling better about my priorities and the unnecessary weight i put on the men in my life. you might too! enjoy! xox

chatting with PATRICK: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

deep inside the factory - american apparel:

oh my goodness. so, i did it! i had my FIRST visit to the American apparel factory in downtown Los Angeles. HQ if you will; where ALL the magic happens. it was a little daunting. not only is there a huge American apparel store NEXT to the actual factory, where i spent 2 hours shopping and trying on sample pieces that aren't available at the regular stores- but there were a whole SLEW of awesome man babes lurking about. tall, short, blond, brunette- looking busy AND official in a skinny, aloof, somewhat androgynous kinda way. i was in heaven. clothes and boys! wheeeee! it was like a modern day willy wonka chocolate factory for a girl who's lies about being lactose intolerant cuz she's always on a diet! 

i was nervous. i felt out of place- which i kinda was, cuz i don't actually work at the factory- but my friend Lisa Kim was kind enough to invite me in with open arms, give me a tour and then have a gossip sesh with me over 50 cent coffee in the cafeteria that is EXACTLY like an elementary school/junior high caf. right down to the covered outdoor seating area and post modern style community tables with built in benches, that'll probably be the 'it' piece and cost a fortune in about twenty years! 

but back to the point; please join me on my first and DEFINITELY NOT last trip to the American apparel factory. I've only just begun to collect all the boys that are hidden inside. gay, straight, unsure....i love you ALL and am coming after you. so be prepared to be interviewed! you look fabulous! how could you not? you're wearing American apparel! maybe one day I'll even interview Dov............xoxo

deep inside the factory - american apparel: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

the blind leading the blind PART 7:

1.  if a fat and/or ugly dude snubs you, it's time to look at yourself in the mirror. it might be time for a make over. 

2. if you're in a car and you see a cute dude, honk your horn. women NEVER do this. men do it! gardeners do it! just give it a try. the dudes will LOVE it and be a bit confused/taken a back. it's like punching them in the face with your new found power vadge! 

3. if a boy says no one will ever love you as much as he loves you, don't believe it. he's trying to suck you back in. it's actually another reason why you SHOULDN'T be with him. the world is large and you are lovable. i hope. i haven't met you, but i've heard totally good things!

4. you are a woman. you have the power to cast spells over boys with your words, your silence, gestures, eyes, and actions. this power can be super fun/entertaining, and will most likely result in an epic make out and/or someone falling in love with you. i can't stress enough how much power you have. use it wisely.

5. make a life list of what you want for yourself. what you want to do professionally, where you want to travel, things you really and truly want to accomplish, where you want to live, etc. and put them up on your wall. i can't tell you how important it is to see what your life goals are every morning when you wake up- right there in front of you.

6. wear mascara! what the fuck is your problem? it will only make your life better. trust me. 

7. if you begin a relationship with someone and you think you love them, but as time goes by you begin to realize they aren't the person who thought they were. OR they aren't what you WANT anymore, don't be afraid to leave. 

8. if you ask your date for a coca cola and he comes back from the bar and hands you a diet coke- it means he thinks you're fat.

9. being the bearer of bad news does not ALWAYS feel THIS good. 

10. when he calls, let it ring at least twice. nobody likes a desperate whore. xo

HEY, IT'S CALI DeWITT:

this is Cali DeWitt. a legend in his own time. he's lived a thousand lives, is REFERENCED in books, and has awesome bros-(one of which kind of looks like Jarvis Cocker and has WRITTEN a book.)Cali is/has achieved, so many things: co owner of hope gallery, a master blogger- yesterday and today, a great friend who will set you straight when you need some words of wisdom! he even runs a record label! need i go on, cuz i will?! don't push me! 

unfortunately, when i ran into Cali, my camera was on the compact setting. and because of this- the video isn't as clear as it should be. i'm sorry Cali! this is what happens when i see you, i freak out in the best possible way and my camera skills go all herky jerky cuz i get too excited! i'm sure you understand! you're CALI!

why did i bother with the fasting and all that when Cali tells me this.....:

boycrazy video - hey, it's CALI!: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

they care - part 2:

the only GOOD thing about how expensive and far away 'we care' is- is that, for a person like me it means 1.) I MUST follow the rules, cuz I don't take money for granted. And 2.) I NEED to be secluded in the desert in order to fast- cuz I don't have willpower when it comes to food! 

I swam, sat in the sauna, lay in the floating day bed under a tee-pee shaped pyramid type apparatus. the people at 'we care' said that "it's good to sit under a pyramid when you meditate" or whatever. i forget why. something like, it helps you be more focused or it gets rid of negative energy or your dreams will come true. they may not have said the last part, but i sat on that daybed under the pyramid like a CHAMPION every chance i got! you better believe it!

LAST time I went to 'we care' (five years ago), I fasted for eight days! And by day four, I was in dire need of being f**ked. who knew THAT would be a side effect? THIS time around, I didn't feel like that AT ALL. But then again, i was only there for three days! phew. 

LAST time there weren't any hot babes at the spa. but THIS time, there was a young-ish (early thirties) musician boy. he even had hair on his chest, which I LOVE! we chatted a bit and swam. but it was all SUPER platonic. something about a spa where you know everyone's getting colonics kinda kills the sexy. and besides, I have my eye on ANOTHER dude right now. 

unfortunately i brought a super boring, practical bathing suit that didn't define my girlishness/feminine wiles one bit! good thing i WASN'T after the musician babe. he may have totally rejected me. i looked like a twelve year old in an eighties, french new wave film. which, in hindsight, doesn't actually sound so bad. if i HAD WANTED or been PREPARED to woo a dude into my room, or having a tawdry makeout on a lounge chair or the floating daybed, i would have been sporting one of two American Apparel bikinis that i'm waiting to be sent to me! the cobalt blue bandeau top and retro bottom or the grape colored ULTRA scandalous string bikini! they look rad. but, no. i wasn't wearing either. life is rough. i've said it before.

If you DO decide to come out to 'we care', don't bring the bf. it gets too gnarly and will ruin your relationship. instead, do what I did: lay in the floating day bed under a pyramid tee-pee/go swimming/sweat out more toxins and fat in the sauna/go in the jacuzzi/read a trashy novel/touch yourself/sleep/and write! Or bring your mom! she'll love it? Xo

they care:

'we care' is everything i forgot it was! i love it here. it's like a grown up version of summer camp. women are euphoric here! why? because none of us are eating and that only means one thing: we're losing weight! i'm the youngest person here. that won't always be the case, so i'll enjoy it while i can. you should too, whoever you are. after all, today is the youngest you're ever gonna be!

i had my colonic, and it wasn't even scary. the only things that came out of me were bad dreams and pixie dust. just as i suspected. i DID have to ask the colon therapist how the hell she got into this business. her answer was something along the lines of: i was a makeup artist and through learning about health and stuff, i got into this. wtf? i get it, if i squint while i think i about it. either way, i'm officially sold!even if i DO think the whole thing is an embarrassing nightmare of self indulgence! but, i take myself seriously, so if i'm not self indulgent, who else will indulge me? 

she said the colon is twenty five feet long and basically the garbage can of your body. you can't clean it out/scrape the plaque off of it (yikes) without getting  colonics. am i drinking the koolaide, cuz this makes sense to me? i'm not a cult member YET, i just see what they're saying. what? don't look at me like that! MY colon's cleaner than YOURS! 

there's some weird shaky machine called a vibra-trim that you stand on and makes your whole body vibrate. they say it's good to do before a colonic AND its good for your lymphatic system. but mostly it just makes me feel like a kid who likes to wiggle. which i am. in reality, it's probably on the verge of dislodging by brain from it's brain holder- but 'we care' said to do it, and they TOTALLY care. 

i have 2 more colonics to get while i'm here for the weekend.i guess i'll have to say goodbye to any more bad vibes and nightmares that lurk within me. every hour, i have to take a supplement or drink some kind of tea or juice or detox bev (slang for beverage). it makes not eating easy, cuz there's a very structured plan and you don't feel like you're being deprived. other than that, i'm trying to get out of my head and not be so mental. not OVER THINK so much. i still wanna over think, just not as much as I do.

here's what i'm learning while at we care:  

1. i have an addiction to the internet, texting, my cell phone (blackberry) in general, and  coffee. 

2. i usually live my life letting food control me. 

3. only i have the power to create my life. 

4. no one should be able to intimidate me.  

all of this sounds very new agey, so i will call this my 'new age phase' and leave it at that. i promise; back to trash talking, sexy, funny, boy stuff later this week. xo