love of your life, boy of your dreams:

If you want to fall in love, and you've had bad luck in the past, or you're just unclear/not sure about what you want in someone......Make a wish list! it helps you be clear, daydream, and specify what actually matters to you! here's mine- so you don't think I'm just trying to make you do something lame:

he's a facilitator of dreams

he makes me laugh sooo much

he listens to me and doesn't wish I'd shut the fuck up

he actually likes to listen to me and hear what i have been storing up in my mind

he likes me

i like him

he is my friend

he's the most gorgeous sexy man I've ever seen

he loves me

i love him

he's extremely smart

he's charming

he's great in social situations

nonsmoker

he drinks every once in a while-only socially

he's very successful and loves the work that he does

he's funny

he's witty

he's quick witted

i respect him

he respects me

he's the best sex I've ever had in my life

I'm the best sex he's ever had in his life

he's very stylish

he's great dresser

i make him laugh

he doesn't make me angry

i don't make him angry

we make each others lives BETTER

i am his best friend

he is my best friend

we have the best sex in the world

we don't fight

we laugh all the time

he loves me

i love him

i have no desire to cheat

he has no desire to cheat

we look great together

we are a handsome couple

i love how i see myself through his eyes

i am the most beautiful girl he's ever seen

he is my age or a little bit older

he totally gets my sense of humor

i totally get his sense of humor

he surprises me with presents: like Chanel bags (black jumbo classic lambskin bag with gold hardware-if not black, rosebud, but always lambskin NOT cambon and always gold hardware), flowers (white roses, tulips, red roses)

he has the money to pay for these things and not go bankrupt

he's cool

he's not a poser

he's confident

he knows who he is

he inspires me

i inspire him

we are in love!

*YES, i know i rambled and repeated myself, and said very BIG grandiose things! but who cares! love is crazy and exciting and amazing! and I'd rather dream big, rather than small! xoxo

what you want your life to be:

So, the new year is nearly upon us and LOTS of things need to change!!! Ask yourselves these questions: Are you happy? do you like who you see in the mirror? are you in love? Do you want to be in love? Do you have a serious crush on someone? Do you dress like a lame fucking asshole? Do you need a new haircut and color tweak? (I strongly recommend goodform on Fairfax if you live in Los Angeles, or are even just visiting la for a layover! Ask for jay! he's a whiz at cuts and a master of color! I'm not kidding, so stop laughing! The dude will change your life! Plus he's hot, AND straight, with abs of steal!) Do you need an attitude adjustment? Do you like how you make people feel? Or how you feel around people? Do you hate your job? Are you in a rut? Do you smoke? Do you do drugs or drink too much? Are you mean, jealous, vindictive and talk a lot of shit? Do you hurt peoples feelings and get off on making people feel small? Do you hate your family? Do you even really like your friends? Let's reassess why? Do you need to do some clutter control/spring cleaning/a winter wipe out- when it comes to toxic friends and or family that make you super bummed and only drain you of energy? If you're always coming home from a get together sad and in tears or tired...don't get together with the person you just got home from hanging out with. Do you care too much about what people think about you that it's sometimes debilitating and crippling your soul? Think about these questions! 2009 should be a fucking rad year for you (and me, let's not be selfish, geeze!)! Let's make that happen! Tomorrows post will zero in on love, but this post is for your overall life!!! Go through your closet and get rid of anything and everything you never wear/use anymore. Make piles! Don't be one! Once your piles are in order, take the most fashionable of the piles to be sold at wasteland! Don't waste their time with yellow arm pitted hanes t shirts thank you very much! They don't owe you shit! Tell Ernest and the gang that I say hi and I love you! Take the money you make, and RUN to get a Starbucks -there's one down the street by urban outfitters- and write your new years resolutions! What do you want your life to be? This is VERY important! I really do believe that you paint your own life picture! Listen, if you're reading this blog it means you probably care a lot about your outfits and how you present yourself/put yourself together-on a day to day basis! Why not care just as much about your life's future and where you end up!? The clock is ticking! The cigs and alcohol and drugs are aging you! And youth is power! So cash in on it now! Look at Cory Kennedy and mark hunter! They're making their youth count!!! How about you? I'm not even exactly sure what they do, but it seems super fun/providing them with money and notoriety. Back to the point: just sort yourself out, get your priorities straight! And make a contribution to the world by being the best you can be! didn't nelson Mandela have a quote about that or something "shine your light bright so you'll inspire others to shine their light" or whatever? Blah blah blah! Just try not to do drugs and be an asshole. I hope I've made my point. Stay tuned for the "get that love 2009 style" post tomorrow. I love you. Now make sure that you love you. Later! Xoxo
ps: i stole this from a lovely young woman's myspace page: "Say what you want, and do what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."~Dr. Seuss

the blind leading the blind PART 4:

31. drink earl grey tea. it's fancy and good.
32. make oranges your new best friend. they smell good and taste just as good as they smell. like supermodels! yes, i know i shouldn't advocate eating, but sometimes you have to! and these take a while to peel! so, in the time you could have eaten two snickers bars, you're still in the midst of enjoying your new bff...the orange! pow!
33. don't eat carbs.
34. everything has carbs.
35. if you hate his sheets, and you happen to have your period, just bleed on them. this may sound embarrassing, but it's a small price to pay for getting what you want.
36. you are a woman. you are always in control.
37. try not to spend EVERY night at his house! i know you're all excited and happy, but don't forget you have your own life to maintain! plus, this will make him respect and desire you even more! no joke!

38. don't eat as much as the boy you're dating. you will only gain weight! guys are a mysterious being that can eat whatever they like and never gain weight. at least the boys we are attracted to. you're not trying to date the bitter clerk at the dmv who has a gut and dreams about raping you.

39. I'm really sorry if your dad/uncle has a gut,works as a clerk at the dmv, or dreams of/or is currently raping you. seriously, i had no idea. I'm not looking to offend anyone here.

40. you're not allowed to buy art at ikea! it is not a quick fix. ikea doesn't sell art anyway! they sell mass produced posters. be careful. (this coming from the girl who shops at forever 21 and target. shut your mouth!) xoxo

shopping didn't make it better:

I'm a little glum. Lately I've been keeping away from even looking in forever 21. And today, when I decide to venture in....the inventory is seriously disappointing. I used to love going inside, getting lost for hours, running into stylish girlfriends of mine and making the covert hand to the lips gesture signifying "you never saw me here." But not today my sisters, not today. And what's worse is that it looked as though the men's selection was way hipper! What the fuck is that shiz all about? Oh well, at least we'll have cuter clothes to borrow from the boys we're making out with. (even though TECHNICALLY the dudes we sleep with should not even know what forever 21 is, and should only sport apc, American apparel, and MAYBE a touch of opening ceremony. but i said 'making out with', not 'fucking'! so that leaves the spectrum wide open!) oh xx1! although it wasn't your day....I haven't given up on you yet! Or even you, heritage 1981! I'll be back, I just hope you are too! WHOOPSIES UPDATE: I blogged too soon! I ended up finding an awesome pine green and black plaid flannel and a super cute spaghetti strapped billowy tank top. keep spending money at xxi! it's all good!

Hope your Christmas was awesome! did you watch 'a Christmas story' or 'home alone 2: lost in new york'? that's good. hope you didn't eat too much, you'll only regret it. i feel like I'm always telling you that. but you can handle it! i know you can! you sexy Christmas goddess you! well, in case you missed the hills last Monday.....allow me to show you what you missed. i know I'm supposed to be a hills hater, and my target audience would feel the same way, but if the hills is your guilty pleasure, like it is mine, this is the most epic hills yet! emotions will really start to flow and tension will escalate when Lauren and Heidi are at the same event. keep in mind, they used to be BEST friends, and now they never talk! all because of Spencer. i was in tears. check it out! xo H.A.G.S.

The Hills - MTV Shows

the blind leading the blind PART 3:

21. just because you have bangs, doesn't mean you can pick at your face-under your bangs.
22. Just because you exercise, doesn't mean you can binge eat.
23. don't be a stripper. It's not cool
24. don't get the lap band. even I'm not this lazy! and I'm a mulchy lazy couch monger.
25. always sleep with your bra on! I've spoken to a lot of women over 50 with great boobs- without having had plastic surgery-and they all say it's because they've always worn a bra. even when they go to bed!
26. watch gossip girl! why didn't anyone tell me how great gossip girl is? I should've listened to mike piscitelli! That dude knows! 
27. guys with no car, 4 roommates, and no job-are not to be fucked!!!!! sorry dudes, but this should be a wake up call to get your shit together! especially if you're almost 30! get your own place! merry Christmas brother.
28. meet dudes during the day! i can't stress this enough! some time soon, i will dedicate an entire post to this topic: supermarkets, the beach-(surfer patrolling=you can kill two birds with one stone 1. by catching a glimpse of their privates while they towel off and 2. you're deciding if you're even into them at all), 3rd st promenade-close to the beach, after you're done watching the dudes towel off. hollah! (slang for the pop culture phrase "holler".  fyi.) 
29. for those of you who live in Los Angeles- go to the 101 coffee shop* by yourself. when you see a table of cute boys or an adorable guy all alone, have the waiter send over a piece of chocolate cake. (don't be shy. I've done this MANY times. so put that in your pocket if you need a hand to hold for getting over your initial shyness.) the 'choco cake send over maneuver' can only lead to sweet deals! the move itself puts a whole new spin on the 80's movie scene where a meathead dude sends over a dirty martini to some buxom blond babe in a bar. if the 101 dude doesn't instantly fall in love with you, or at least come over and say hello with the need to praise your awesomeness- he's a woman hating/A sexual guy with a girlfriend! who needs him? not you! he's dead to you! *if you don't live in la, just go to any OOBERLY TRENDY diner type place where shaggy haired, more likely to be higher brow, hipster boys hangout! yeah!
30. don't cross your arms when you walk- or EVER! it makes you look SUPER insecure, and like a rape victim! even if you are, fight the urge!!! it'll make people more drawn to you.

just another day:

Please don't think I'm a COMPLETE asshole, but the other day- while I was eating at whole foods-(something I put together ALL BY MYSELF at the salad bar) I was TOTALLY put off my food when a homeless person walked by me. I didn't want to be put off my food/lose my appetite for sooo many reasons. I didn't want to be THAT shallow and judge mental/easily affected by dirty people. PLUS, I was starving. But she walked past me like 3 times and by the 3rd time, I was done! She had won. Oh fuck, now that I think back, I should have given her my food instead of throwing it away. But would that have been more insulting? Oh well. Too late now. I left and got a Starbucks. Then I drove to another whole foods without even thinking! (isn't that adorable?) I went grocery shopping. i can be so efficient and responsible when i put my mind to it. When did super markets become such a beacon of hope and a security blanket in my life? While there, I spotted a cute dude in the parking lot. I was hoping he'd walk into whole foods, but alas- no. He was heading into the 99 cent store. don't EVER pick up dudes at the 99 cent store. you're only asking for trouble. Inside whole foods #2, I bought some rice cakes, cuz I really wanted something sweet, but didn't want to feel guilty. Rice cakes are a meaningless food that do nothing for you, but at the time it seemed way better than a vegan piece of cake. I had a whole plan: caramel and/or cinnamon toast flavored rice cakes, with honey on them. This was a snack that made sense in my head. Sometimes, I truly feel that if I can wrap my head around what I'm eating/and it's not super processed, and there aren't too many components, it can't be that bad for me. And as long as I don't eat 12 of them, I'll be fine. So I get into the checkout line, and the dude who was originally going into the 99cent store got in line behind me! No way! I couldn't believe it. it was a pre Christmas miracle! I acted super aloof and quasi casj(casual). And only smiled when I caught him staring at me out of the corner of my eye. The market was super hectic and people kept bumping into us. the holiday rush and whatnot! YOU know what I'm talking about! That's when I ever so lightly, opened my mouth and said "its crazy in here!" Yeah! I DID IT! a man magnet i am! the ball was in his court! He smiled. he loved me! I looked down at my basket. i had to give him a break from my penetrating gaze. i mean, i didn't want him to faint or anything. And that's when I saw his feet pitter patter out of the line...... and away from me.......and he never came back. I guess I'm not as cute as I think I am. merry Christmas. 

because you're worth it (PART 2):

Handicapped toilet stalls=treating yourself. now that you've taken my advice and are venturing out of the hot babe's house, whose eyes you'd like to remain sexy in.....for public restrooms anywhere you can find one...i have another HOT TIP. When given the choice, and faced with an empty bathroom, ALWAYS choose the handicapped stall. It's WAY more roomy and lush. Live a little. By choosing the more spacious stall, it's your unconscious way of saying "I'm worth it. I matter. I deserve it." One could also take the stance that it's an ominous choice. that, in a way, you are manifesting the possibility of one day being handicapped yourself. oh pish posh!  I'm a believer in dreaming up your reality and manifesting your destiny/creating what you conjure up in your minds eye-but come on! you gotta draw the line somewhere, and a palatial toilet stall is where I'm drawing it. Now, just for the record- I'd like to remind everyone that women DON'T go to the bathroom. We don't do anything gross at all. This stall is to be used as an area to text, snort cocaine/powdered drugs, shop lift, and put on your makeup- away from the droves of commoners. YOU deserve this. It is your destiny. If you are reading this blog-it means that you are better! Go! be great! I love you!

because you're worth it (part 1):

Public restrooms will save your relationship. Doubt me all you want. tell me I'm crazy, and that I should fuck off-but I kid you not, don't use your boyfriends bathroom. In an early interview with Marilyn Manson and Dita Von teese-they answered the question: "what's the secret to a happy marriage?" Answer: "keep the bathroom door closed!" Sure, they eventually split-but the key word here is 'EVENTUALLY'! Just imagine how much sooner it would have ended-had they admitted to being human. Gross. Remain a creature of the night! Be mysterious! Say you're going to go to American apparel to buy a t shirt or something, when in reality, you're peeing at Starbucks. Be the beautiful, perfect woman you were born to be. We're already smarter-and trying to be sexy 24/7 (as hard as it fucking is) keeps us fine tuned and on our toes. It's like doing a crossword puzzle all the time! OR- it just sets us up to fail and feel full of shame and guilt when we ultimately CAN'T be perfect around the clock and face the fact that the reality of the situation is that we are in fact human after all. Either or. Just give it a go, and try not to fuck up your sexy factor. quitting is for quitters or whatever. is that the saying? you can let your hair down when you're around your girlfriends or when your dude's outta town. Lylas (love you like a sister) peace! Xoxo

what dudes HATE and LOVE about girls:

I'm sick of being such a negative/downer. only asking dudes what they hate about girls- so this is a very exciting, newly updated version of "what dudes hate about girls", entitled, "what dudes HATE and LOVE about girls" starring (like an elusive silhouette in the dark) Tim Barber! I'd never heard of this Tim Barber, or whatever his real name is, until i met him at space 1520 at an art show he curated. apparently he's totally cool or whatever/responsible for making cool stuff and putting neat & talented people together. Tim Barber, the man, seemed to have a hard shell that was fun to try and crack. i feel like i did this! and as a result, I'm pretty sure he fell in love with me. don't let him fool you with his put on, blatant disdain for me, and borderline cringing every time i spoke. the guy's in love....i just can't figure out why he kept running in the other direction whenever i came near him. oh well, that's another puzzle to solve on another day all together! for now, let's dive into Tim Barber's magical man soul and try to take some of it away from him!

 

PS: if you look in the background, you can see the original W.D.H.A.G. star trying to relive his glory. i think he knows that some of you have a crush on him...so we'll HAVE to get back to him later and find out what he actually LIKES about girlies! xo

mommy:

no! it's Sunday! you shouldn't even be on the Internet, let alone reading blogs! I'm flattered, but you shouldn't have. i understand that there's a lot of down time, and it's the perfect opportunity to read my blog-but I'm out humiliating myself now and collecting stories to tell you. if you're not all caught up with my previous posts, now would be a good time to do so! the following 5 days ahead have a lot in store for us. fun stories. cute boys. me looking like a retarded asshole! i can't wait! but, like i said, TODAY IS SUNDAY! the day of lazy craziness. you should be having sex with some dude you picked up last night at Teddy's OR getting ready to go to sway! so, put on a facial mask why don't you?! expensive or cheap....i don't give a fuck! just do it. have you tried the insanely affordable yet highly effective queen Helene mint julep masque? it's to die for! see you tomorrow! until then, here are some you tubes of the woman who made me.......(the 2 guys are my uncles. my mom's the one with the boobs.) xo

daddy.....

It's saturday. i have a ton of stories planned for next week. if this picture filled post is boring for you, then read this blog. or knock yourself out with this blog. BUT, here is MY post:

my dad is a photographer named Julian Wasser. These are some of his photos:

ps: i need street teamers. please contact me if you like cool stickers and/or the idea of spreading the word about this blog. i love you. xoxo

important things happen in cars late at night:

One time my friend (and by 'friend', i mean me) made out/kissed a boy so much and so passionately that my frenulum ripped. what's a frenulum? good question. I'm glad you asked. because i didn't know what a frenulum was either, until mine was ripped. a frenulum is basically the piece of skin that connects the bottom of your TONGUE to the inside of your MOUTH. it is a small fold of tissue that secures or restricts the motion of a mobile organ in the body. people have a frenulum  by your privates too-connecting your privates to your body or your bum or whatever. but that is NOT the one I ripped. yuck. i repeat, that is NOT what I ripped! HOW DARE YOU? what kind of skeeze do you think i am? don't answer that. anyways, i guess the boy sucked on my tongue too hard and it ripped. i started crying and my frenulum was bleeding. awkward! he's totally cute and meant well, and the kisses had always been delightful.....up until now. i guess that's the price you pay for being a makeout queen. and i thought aids would be my only potential danger! i thought wrong! wowzers. when i went to my dentist to ask him if i was OK, and what exactly had happened- he explained that my frenulum was ripped. i would've liked to have left it at that, but it got weirder. my dentist started coming onto me. my ripped frenulum was now a billboard saying "I'm easy! slut approaching!" gross. didn't he know i was only interested in previously '60s style mod dudes, turned fashionably modern circa now- with only a light nod to the '60s haircut /art faggy/hip cool casual indie kids between the ages of 18 and 37? I'm an elitist snob when it come to makeouts. and married, 57 year old, Beverly hills dentists were not on my agenda. so, now i go to a different dentist. one who doesn't know about my sordid makeouts or ripped parts. one who doesn't tell me that he used to be a drummer in his high school band. what the fuck?! xo ttyl

when you don't know how good you are:

I was gonna make this guy a  featured "what dudes hate about girls" or "dude of the day", but i changed my mind. i went to stalk him where he worked, and thought I'd say a quick hi, tell him about my blog, take a pic, and leave...but he made it so difficult i ended up staying there for like an hour till i got a photo. he was sooo camera shy. and the more i told him how gorgeous and good looking he was, the more shy he became. this dude i was trolling has a girlfriend and a baby, so there was no weird tension-(i DO have some boundaries) and i could be normal and not as nervous as i used to be when he was single and i would stalk him at wasteland (the clothing store he used to work at). I've been following his career for a while. i used to go into wasteland and start sweating and get dry mouth and totally freak out when i would see him! now, I'm free to be me! what a relief. i told him all this. how i used to stutter around him and think that he was a very striking young fellow who's exotic beauty could probably land him a lot of commercials for Levis! he wouldn't believe me! and laughed it off and said "shut up. yeah right." it made me sad that he doesn't think he's as gorgeous as he is-or at least as gorgeous as I've decided he should think he is! maybe he was just being super modest! i do come on pretty strong. either/or, for the sake of this blog post...his insecurities/modesty inspired me to write this! i hate it when i see some ugly, lamo girl or dude who thinks they're the shit and gods gift-when really they're just meatheads who moved to la and are trying to embody some cliche idea of what it means to live in la! like the tourist who visits NYC and acts super rude and harsh because that's what they think they need to be...trying to bring the cliche to life. meanwhile: an adorable, one of a kind boy is insecure and anxious when he's told he's beautiful/handsome. and refuses to believe it, all because he's different looking and not the norm! so, all you nerdy -cool-independent-interesting-individual-indie kids- what have you,  who walk around town not knowing how awesome you are, with your hands in your pockets and shoulders raised to your ears with anxiety-know how great you are! no matter what, you aren't the girl with the lip injections, and fake boobs, or the dude with calf implants wasting their life hanging around the coffee bean and tea leaf on sunset waiting for their big break/sugar mama or  daddy! i love you.

WHAT DUDES HATE ABOUT GIRLS #2:

THIS IS NATE: not only is he cool and fun, he also has special man thoughts and opinions all his own. care to take a peak inside his soul? i would if i were you......xo

ps: if you wanna date nate, send him fan mail, or just tell him how cute he is....leave a comment! that goes for all of the featured dudes you find on this site! you'll make a boys day! 

m cafe and what it means to me:

Eating food is not a crime! it just puts you at a serious disadvantage! so, if you must eat, i suggest m cafe! it's awesome! it's vegan, it's macrobiotic. only sexy people eat there, and it's my home away from home! need i say more? hang out with David. not only does he work there, but he's also my gay Latino boyfriend. he'll teach you how to speak like a gay man! for example: 'WORK. IT. OUT!' that's a phrase i learned how to say and pronounce from David himself. young, heterosexual, white, women speaking like gay men is ADORABLE! trust me, i know. people only smile when i act like David in public. with me, or at me...i DON'T GIVE A FUCK! i make bitches laugh! are you listening?! try phrases like: 'excuuuuse me!' or 'thank youuuuuuuu!' elongate any sounds you can! add 'bitch' to the end of a sentence and then pretend to throw your non existant long hair over your shoulder, like Cher! another habit to get into: when people say something to you, a simple statement such as "i read your zine." or "i saw you on tv." reply with a snazzy "you're welcome." it's an ironic way of being the asshole you wanna be, but are pretending not to be. and you know what? it feels great! there's an entire speech in art school confidential about how people long for the opportunity to be the asshole they're hiding on the inside! rent it. back to my rant: meet me at m. I'll give you a demo and life coaching at the community table! I'm good at it, i swear. now if i could only follow my own advice. we'll share a vegan dessert! those are the only desserts allowed on the program! and even though sharing TOTALLY sucks (I'm an only child-i hate sharing more than ANYONE) just do it! it will make you less fat! did i mention i love you, cuz i do beyaaatch! 'girfriennnnnd', 'heeeeey girl, heyyyyyyyyyy!' (all phrases i learned from David). In person, i can show you hand gestures and the Cher/mimed hair flips! later dude! xoxo

mistletoe is mandatory:

It's getting closer! Christmas is almost here! can you handle it? I'm so excited too! i waited in line for a half hour and tried to drain as much youth as i could out of all the kids that i cut in line and stood in front of! it's important to stay young and fresh! now, i meant to post this sooner, and spread this message, but i haven't had the chance until now: get some fucking mistletoe and bring it wherever you go! you could have started this on December 1st! that's what i did last year! i went to a club with my friend and there was some dude with mistletoe running around trying to make out with everything in a skirt! who was this guy? my male doppelganger? he was tall and stylish, and i wanted to slap him for breaking the mistletoe out first thing in December/beating me to it! a jealous girl, i stole the mistletoe from him and sat in a dark corner with my best friends....we were chatting, putting on lip gloss, shit talking and surveying the room. to my surprise, i spotted that sexy dude who starred in "the notebook" and "half nelson"! no way!? he's gorgeous. i was working on another adorable dude....but my friend wasn't! she was tipsy, which made her easier to suggest stuff to...so i gave her the mistletoe and dared her to hold it over her head and tap r.g. on the shoulder. AND SHE FUCKING DID IT! i will always love her for that! my brave, beautiful, talented friend. he turned around, looked at her, she smiled at him, and he turned right back around to the people he was talking to. I'm pretty sure she was officially mortified. oh well. it was a story. later that night, we were still in the same spot, talking and drinking. as was rg-to his friends, whoever they were. r.g took a seat on the banquet we were sitting on. still with his back to our party. braver and basically over it, my friend flopped over to r.g to regain her sense of dignity. her-"hey, i was only joking! it's Christmas, lighten up. i was tyring to be flirty." him-"what do you mean? i gave you my sexy face." her-"that was your sexy face? you need to go home and work on it buddy, cuz that's not a sexy face I've ever seen." all i could see was them talking, exchanging numbers, laughing! i can't remember what she told me they were saying....but i have to end the story here anyway, because this really isn't my story to tell. the point is, life is exciting and you MUST take chances. if you're a girl, you can basically get away with anything! ESPECIALLY if you look/are young, dress well, and are good looking! so buy some goddamn mistletoe and get the fuck out there! and hold it over your head! high and proud! and kiss the sexiest, most gorgeous, interesting, appealing  guys you wanna kiss! Merry Christmas!!!